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  #1971  
Old 08-26-2017, 05:32 AM
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A man wanted to get married .
He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed .

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.


The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.


Men are like that, you know.
And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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  #1972  
Old 09-28-2017, 12:56 PM
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1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.


3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.



4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.



5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.


7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.


8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.


9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.


10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.


11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.


12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.


13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.


14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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  #1973  
Old 10-06-2017, 01:32 AM
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A young guy from Idaho moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"



The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Idaho."



Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.



"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did"



His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

"That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida One sale a day might have been acceptable in Idaho, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."



The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"



The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65."



The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"



The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."



The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"



The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing!"
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  #1974  
Old 10-10-2017, 07:46 PM
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I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday?.....

She said- "Nothing would please me more than a diamond necklace."

So I got her nothing!!!
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  #1975  
Old 10-16-2017, 03:15 AM
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Paraprosdokians:

First time I heard about paraprosdokians, I liked them. Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them).

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ..
but it's still on my list

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of
Emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
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  #1976  
Old 10-17-2017, 03:06 AM
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Michigan State Police announced the discovery of an arms cache of
200 semi-automatic rifles,

with 250,000 rounds of ammunition,
10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers,

2 tons of heroin,
$12 million in forged bills and
a ring of 14 prostitutes,
all in a housing project behind
the Detroit Public Library.
Detroit folks were stunned

A community organizer said:
"We be shocked! - We never knew we had a library."
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  #1977  
Old 10-20-2017, 07:56 AM
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A farmer in Eastern Arkansas had five female pigs. Times were
hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the
fair, he met another farmer from nearby Missouri who owned five male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles
each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with
the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which
was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know
if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the
grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off,
loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try
again. This continued each morning for more than a week.

The next Morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his
wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the
mud or in the grass."
"Neither, "yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them
is honking the horn."
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  #1978  
Old 10-23-2017, 02:31 AM
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The Adjutant.


In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was
sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin
and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) which protocol decrees, the
retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers,
He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His
talent is simply boundless."


Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised
to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and
pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less
than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the
regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions
behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian
events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the
Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
At that point, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that
Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day
you told the witch doctor to fuck off."
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  #1979  
Old 10-23-2017, 04:50 PM
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Why Some Athletes Can't Get Regular Jobs
The danger of having just any sports figures as role models for kids....

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.''

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
Ah, but they ride to the bank in a Mercedes...
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  #1980  
Old 10-24-2017, 06:28 AM
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A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
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