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  #1481  
Old 12-24-2014, 03:39 AM
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THE LIE DETECTOR ROBOT


Another Day in Paradise!

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He tests it at dinner.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some school work."

The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."


Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.
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  #1482  
Old 12-25-2014, 06:17 AM
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Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes;
come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management I just need people to stop pissing me off.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a short vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap.

I don't have gray hair, I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me.

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound.

Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW!!

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... That makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad.
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  #1483  
Old 01-03-2015, 01:35 AM
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Sister Maryellen entered the Monastery of silence The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome hereas long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.

Sister Maryellen lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Maryellen, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Maryellen said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Maryellen was summoned by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Maryellen.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Maryellen, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Maryellen in to his office. 'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.'
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  #1484  
Old 01-05-2015, 01:58 PM
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ITALIAN MOTHER
Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that
he is going to get married.
He says, 'Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to
bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to
marry.' The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful
women into the house, sits them down on the couch & they chat for a while.
He then says, 'Okay,
Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry?'
Mama says immediately, 'The
one on the right. '
'That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How
did you know? '
Mama replies: 'I don't like her
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  #1485  
Old 01-13-2015, 04:11 AM
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PHONE REPAIR
Lawrence , Kansas, NOVEMBER 12, 2014.
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called

and that on the few occasions, when it did ring,

her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Just thought you'd like to know.
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  #1486  
Old 01-14-2015, 08:37 AM
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High School Graduation In Detroit....

A student played high school football in Detroit. He was a great running
Back, but a really poor student.

At graduation, he didn't have enough credits but he was a great
Football star and the students held a rally and demanded the principal
Give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the principal
Agreed if Dwayne could answer one question correctly he would give him a
Diploma.

The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students
Packed the place. It was standing room only. The principal was on the
Stage and told Dwayne to come up. The principal had the diploma in his
Hand and said, "Dwayne, if you can answer this question correctly I'll
Give you your diploma."

Dwayne said he was ready and the principal asked him the question.
"Dwayne," he said, "How much is three times seven?"

Dwayne looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just
Pondering the question. The other students began chanting, "Graduate him
Anyway!" "Graduate him anyway!"

Dwayne held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. He said, "I
Think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."

A hush fell over the auditorium and all the other students began another
Chant. "Give him another chance!" "Give him another chance!"
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  #1487  
Old 01-14-2015, 03:34 PM
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DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law?
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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  #1488  
Old 01-16-2015, 03:25 AM
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Why Some Athletes Can't Have Regular Jobs

These need no explanations . . .


WHY SOME ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height.."
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye
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  #1489  
Old 01-16-2015, 01:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BangkokDean View Post

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye
He missed the next 6 games.....and had to retire.....
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  #1490  
Old 01-17-2015, 01:24 AM
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Default 50 years together.....

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.



"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1.
'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."


"Not to worry," said the father.
"Important thing is we're all together today."


Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad.
I just flew in from LA between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."


"It's nothing," said the father.
"We're glad you were able to come."


Just then the daughter arrived.
"Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."


After they had finished dessert, the father said,
"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.

"You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.

Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."


The three children gasped and said,
"WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"


"Yep", said the father,
"Cheap ones too..."
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