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  #1961  
Old 08-18-2017, 04:44 PM
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  #1962  
Old 08-18-2017, 04:46 PM
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Lucas the Prince of Darkness


Not many people know that Land Rovers attempted to market a computer. Why did they stop? They could not find a way to get it to leak oil!
A Land Rover doesnīt leak oil, it marks itīs territory. Did you hear about the man whose Land Rover didn't leak oil? The factory took it backand worked on it until it did.
Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night? They all look the same. " - "He replied, "It does not matter which one you use, nothing happens !"
The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."
Lucas is the patent holder for the short circuit.
Lucas - Inventor of the first intermittent wiper.
Lucas - Inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.
The three position Lucas switch - Dim, Flicker and Off.
The Original Anti-Theft Device - Lucas Electrics.
>Lucas is an acronym for Loose Unsoldered Connections and Splices
Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency.
"I have had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never had any trou..."
If Lucas made guns, wars would not start.
A friend of mine told everybody he never had any electric problems with his Lucas equipment. Today he lives in the countryside, in a large manor with lots of friendly servants around him an an occasional ice cold shower...
Back in the 70's, Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which did not suck.
Q: Why do the British drink warm beer? A: Because Lucas makes their refrigerators
Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone.Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.
Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: Check the position of the stars,kill a chicken and walk three times clockwise around your car chanting:" Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant.."
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  #1963  
Old 08-18-2017, 11:16 PM
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Lucas (British spelling for Lucifer):

The Prince of Darkness
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One thought leads to another. If these thoughts link into a chain we become bound to the project. This bondage is subtle and remains until we complete the tasks -- or, STOP Thinking!
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  #1964  
Old 08-19-2017, 09:09 AM
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This would be funny if it weren't so close to being true!

- Hello! Gordon's Pizza?
- No sir, it is Google Pizza.
- So, I have the wrong number?
- No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza.
- OK. Take my order please ..
- Well sir, do you want the usual?
- The usual? How do you know me?
- According to your caller ID, the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, thick crust ...
- OK! OK! That's it.
- Sir, may I suggest to you this time ricotta cheese, arugula with sun-dried tomatoes?
- No, I hate vegetables.
- But your cholesterol is high!
- How do you know?
- Through the Laboratory subscriber's guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
- Okay, but I want my regular pizza, I already take medicine.
- But sir, you have not taken your medicine regularly. Four months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Drugsale Network.
- I bought more from another drugstore.
- It is not showing on your credit card statement.
- I paid in cash.
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement.
- I have other sources of cash.
- This is not showing on your last Income-Tax return, unless you got it from an undeclared source.
- WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without Wi-Fi or internet. Where there are no cell phones or satellites to spy on me.
- I understand sir, but you will need to renew your passport, as it expired 5 weeks ago!
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  #1965  
Old 08-20-2017, 11:55 PM
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Need find a friend with a Mutsobitchy Eclipse, so he can drive and I hang my ass out the window......

and a buddy said I would get shot in the ass.......

I replied the car would then have a MOON ROOF!!!!!

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  #1966  
Old 08-21-2017, 12:40 PM
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The Urinal Is Too High:


A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about
thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to
see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach
the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their little
'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
"You must be in the 5th grade."

"No ma'am he replied, "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race,
but I appreciate your help."
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  #1967  
Old 08-24-2017, 02:30 PM
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Superman was kinda bored so he just started flying around looking for something to do. He's flying over Wonder Woman's house and sees her bedroom window is open. He stops for a glimpse and sees her lying on her bed naked. She's lying there and squirming around looking real hot.

Superman was getting turned on looking at her so he decides what the hell, I can just fly in real quick, give her the ole' in-out and be out of there before she even knows what hit her. After all he is Superman. So, in he goes, wham-bam and he's out of there.

Wonder Woman knew something happened and says, "What was that?" The invisible man says, "I don't know but, damn, is my ass sore."
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  #1968  
Old 08-25-2017, 11:02 AM
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Simple Truths

Simple Truth 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However, after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---

Simple Truth 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats"

But, none of them come and touch the man's weenie and say "Good job."

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated. "

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---

Simple Truth 3

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well... last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---


There You Have It... and remember, life is good.
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  #1969  
Old 08-25-2017, 11:05 AM
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Five Rules to Remember in Life

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable crying in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
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  #1970  
Old 08-25-2017, 02:08 PM
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Lizard Woes

Q: What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?

A: A reptile dysfunction.
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