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  #11  
Old 05-08-2008, 02:59 PM
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JPhil JPhil is offline
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John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of
unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him
to change.

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual
purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 13 year
old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting
home?', they asked.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project' said Tommy.
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went
after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
''The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy. The Robot went around
to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry
I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I
never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse
right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all,
He is your son!'
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha and decked her
too.
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  #12  
Old 05-10-2008, 11:13 PM
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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making
love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset.


"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me --
a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"


And the husband replied, "Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can
tell you what happened."


"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed," but they'll be the last words you'll say
to me!"
And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive
home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down
and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the
car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion,
I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last
night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on
weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she
was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I
threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer
jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say
they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your
anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good
taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you
don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought
at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a
pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for
my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please ..... do you have anything
else that your wife doesn't use?"
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  #13  
Old 05-11-2008, 03:06 PM
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  #14  
Old 05-11-2008, 03:09 PM
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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. Thinking nothing of it, the man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman had a cold, the man was somewhat curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man finally turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?'

I am sorry if I disturbed you,' she replied. 'I have a very rare medical condition - whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'

The man, although more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before,' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded. 'Pepper.'
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  #15  
Old 05-11-2008, 04:04 PM
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A blonde is driving down a country road, and suddenly she slams on the brakes, skids to a stop, and rolls down her window.
Off to her left is another blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a corn field.
She screams out,"You stupid blonde bitch. It's stupid blonde bitches like you that give us blondes a bad name. And if I could swim, I'd swim out there and kick your ass."
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  #16  
Old 05-11-2008, 05:14 PM
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  #17  
Old 05-11-2008, 07:33 PM
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  #18  
Old 05-11-2008, 07:57 PM
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APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement,
job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
__________________________________________________ ___________
__________________________________________________ ___________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
__________________________________________________ __________________

__________________________________________________ __________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van?
__Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires?
__Yes __No

C. A waterbed?
__Yes__No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back?
__Yes __No

E. A tattoo?
__Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
__Yes __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend __________________________________________________ _

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

__________________________________________________ ____________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

__________________________________________________ ____________

C: A woman's place is in the:

__________________________________________________ ____________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

__________________________________________________ ____________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

__________________________________________________ ____________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, and RED HOT POKERS.


__________________________________________________ _______
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


________________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature
Father's Signature

_______________________________ _______________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State
Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not
try to call or write (since
you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your
application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
(you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating .



Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at
her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you
cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will
remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age
to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of
your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open
minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to
the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big,
and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes
do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my
daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers
securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me
elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill
you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the
day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is
an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my
house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities
to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with
my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl,
you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with
you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you
want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My
daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than
painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why
don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than
a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is
dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank
tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater,
and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong
romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature
chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are
better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my
daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I
ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell
me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a
shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with
me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake
the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a
rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the
voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for
you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway
you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the
perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no
need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is
mine.
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  #19  
Old 05-12-2008, 02:09 PM
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big2bird big2bird is offline
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  #20  
Old 05-12-2008, 02:23 PM
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