An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.
A silver dollar
A bottle of whisky
And a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door', the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school this afternoon, 'I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle. he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he' s going to be a skirt-chasing bum.
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this months centerfold.
'Lord have mercy.' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
'He's gonna run for Congress.'
Kill the Buddha
Political joke of the day
A distinguished man dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, he is met by St. Peter who welcomes him.
St. Pete: Welcome. Before I can admit you, I have to check your clock.
St. Pete: Yes clock. When you were born, we put a clock with your name on it on the wall. Every time you tell a lie, the arms move. There, for instance, is George Washinton's. Notice that its at !2 o'clock. He never told a lie.
Gentleman: I see that, but Thomas Jefferson's is at 12:05.
St. Pete: Yes, he only told one lie in his life.
The old man stops for a second and then asks "where is Hillary Clinton's clock?"
St. Pete: Oh, Jesus keeps that one in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.
YOUR PARROT IS DEAD SENOR
At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane?? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'
'Yes, Senor Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'
'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new tailor made Super Quad 460 golf club.'
SILENCE . . . . . . . . . . .LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . . . .
'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep trouble !!'
Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new .22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask, Do these new grips make me look fat?
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.
'77 350 4-bolt bored .030 over, stock crank and rods, KB hypereutectic pistons, Comp 275DEH cam, ported and polished vortec heads, Comp Valve Springs, Harland Sharp fulcrum roller rockers 1.5:1, custom length Manley pushrods, Edelbrock Performer intake, Holley fuel pump, Edelbrock 600 cfm carb, Accel super coil, Taylor spark plug wires, modded 700-R4, 3:55 rear gears, TCI roll control, upgraded front and rear suspension. B&M Megashifter.
1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea.
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
Woman - 'WHAT?'
Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as winder cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
AND.... the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up