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  #2001  
Old 04-04-2018, 02:41 AM
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Subject: Harley Rider

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, and severely banged my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up and the beautiful woman driver asked "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I will take you to my house so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, “but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!”

"Oh, come now, I am a nurse" she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty, and very persuasive and being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away, and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, unbuttoning her blouse. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything, and by the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess." I replied.
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  #2002  
Old 04-13-2018, 04:26 AM
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There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipshit's.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me there.

I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with ’Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Left Tackle?’

I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.

Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison.
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  #2003  
Old 04-13-2018, 12:52 PM
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Good ones.
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  #2004  
Old 04-16-2018, 03:31 AM
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His boss wanted proof that he was really sick and

in the hospital, so he sent his boss this picture:
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  #2005  
Old 06-15-2018, 04:18 PM
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An atheist got a scare while walking through the woods. This was the last thing he expected… 3 Days Ago
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An atheist was walking through the woods.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot, grizzly bear charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear was right on top of him; reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man a voice came out of the sky, “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you really expect me to help you out of this predicament?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”
“Very well,” said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

“Lord bless this food which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”
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  #2006  
Old 08-01-2018, 01:51 AM
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Default Chrysler Turbo explained in detail

I couldn't explain it so you will need to watch it

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  #2007  
Old 10-05-2018, 05:16 AM
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ISAF Drops Candy To Afghan Children, Kills 51


Operation Reese's For Peaces
MAZAR-I-SHARIF, AFGHANISTAN –In a tragic accident earlier today, aircraft belonging to the International Security Assistance Force (ISAF) inadvertently killed 51 Afghans near the city of Mazar-i-Sharif while attempting to drop candy to a group of children.

According to accounts from both Afghans and international observers, two NATO aircraft, later identified as American C-130s, made a low pass over a village of several hundred Afghans outside the city.

Approximately 1.4 million M&Ms were to be delivered via Container Delivery System in a single package with a weight of 1500 lbs. Due to a malfunction in the static line, the parachute failed to deploy and the container crashed through the roof of a local school at nearly 100 miles per hour.

Upon impact, the force of the rapidly settling candies caused the sides to explode outward, causing what physics professor Dr. Rosella Schwartz described as “essentially a 360 degree anti-personnel mine full of chocolate flechettes.”

By “flechettes,” Schwartz is referring to the M&Ms’ candy shells, which shattered and spalled upon entering the bodies of the victims and also caused more numerous and severe secondary injuries.

Dr. Manuel Velez of the Red Cross, one of the first medical personnel at the site of the impact, had a similar assessment of the candy shells’ damage.

“I’ve seen a lot of injuries inflicted on civilians by military ordnance, but this was much worse,” Velez said, stooping to change the bandages on one of the victims while pointing out the many blue, green, and yellow splotches.

“The worst were the peanut M&Ms. The soft chocolate acted as a sabot around the peanuts, so basically these things were candy-coated penetrator rounds.”

ISAF spokesperson Col. Mark Marshall, who spoke to reporters today at a press conference in Kabul, said the candy drop was only the latest phase of a new operation called “Reese’s for Peaces.” He added that while ISAF regrets the accidental loss of civilian life, it would not deter them working to relieve the suffering of the Afghan people.

Sources at ISAF headquarters in Kabul said the operation was first proposed by Deputy Commander Gen. Bill Whitehead as a way to help boost the morale of Afghans as western forces began their long-anticipated drawdown.

Whitehead said he first got the idea after reading a book about the 1948 Berlin Airlift. After finishing their cargo deliveries, American pilots would drop pieces of candy to impoverished children, which earned the United States a lot of good publicity.

“Counterinsurgency is all about winning the hearts and minds of the people,” said Whitehead, “and as we transition to a much smaller footprint, the Air Force is going to have to take on some of the roles traditionally filled by soldiers, such as handing out candy.”

In early March, Whitehead gave ISAF the authority to begin planning a series of humanitarian airdrops over population centers in Afghanistan. Operation “Reese’s for Peaces”, referred to informally as “Dessert Storm”, was launched two weeks later with MQ-9 Reapers dropping several tons of licorice on Kandahar.

Over the next few weeks, ISAF warplanes dropped tons of assorted chocolates, sweets, and even ice cream over the war-torn country. Other NATO countries also took part, with French planes dropping bon bons and German planes dropping Bavarian chocolate. The United States, however, is contributing the bulk of the candy being used in the operation.

The incident in Mazar-i-Sharif is unfortunately not the first setback for “Reese’s for Peaces.” Other blunders included a crate-load of Baby Ruth bars being dropped short of its target on March 19 and plowing into a bus full of madrassa students, killing 22. On April 27, several Snickers bars hit a wedding party near Kunduz, killing 35. And on May 8, several packs of Starbursts inadvertently hit an orphanage and killed 8 children and an adorable kitten named Mittens.

Following the press conference, Col. Marshall tried to exit the podium, but tripped and crashed into a group of civilians, killing 9.

Duffel Blog investigative writer Dark Laughter also contributed to this report.
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