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  #1001  
Old 03-28-2013, 11:55 PM
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mrvette mrvette is offline
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Default Plus one more.....

Bruce Willis found dead.

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Lying beside a container of Viagra.

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Yep.

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Died Hard.
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I have a little list, let ALL of them be MIST......
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  #1002  
Old 03-29-2013, 02:59 AM
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BangkokDean BangkokDean is offline
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Scotch with two drops of water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'


As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'


The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
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From the land of smiles
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  #1003  
Old 03-29-2013, 03:00 AM
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BangkokDean BangkokDean is offline
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'OLD' IS WHEN....

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...

A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.


'OLD' IS WHEN...

Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.


'OLD' IS WHEN...

You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police


'OLD' IS WHEN...


'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.



'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.


'OLD'IS WHEN...

An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.



AND

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You are not sure these are jokes?

Blind Clerk

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir.. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this
week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card
drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way
the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know
that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod
and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is
$11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
She paid it and left without saying a word.
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  #1004  
Old 03-30-2013, 01:27 AM
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mrvette mrvette is offline
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A woman's trip to gyno! (clean joke)
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”I told her to get another one from the cupboard.She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”Never going back to that doctor again……….. never
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  #1005  
Old 03-31-2013, 06:48 AM
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BangkokDean BangkokDean is offline
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Default Subject: Not Politically Correct Humor.....

1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother.
__________________________________________________ ________
2) How do you embarrass an archeologist?

Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
__________________________________________________ ________
3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore sleeps with everybody at the party; A bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
__________________________________________________ ________
4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
__________________________________________________ ________
5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
__________________________________________________ ________
6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
__________________________________________________ _________
7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during orgasm.
__________________________________________________ _________
8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

A mechanic.
__________________________________________________ _________
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
__________________________________________________ _________
10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

The one who can eat the last donut.
__________________________________________________ _________
11) Jewish dilemma:
Free PORK.
__________________________________________________ _________
12) The three words men hate to hear most during sex:
'Are you in?'
__________________________________________________ _________
13) The three words women hate to hear most during sex:
'Honey, I'm home!'
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  #1006  
Old 03-31-2013, 09:22 PM
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mrvette mrvette is offline
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Default Golf FAIL.....

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  #1007  
Old 04-01-2013, 03:54 AM
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SuperBuickGuy SuperBuickGuy is offline
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mrvette View Post
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I liked the very first clip.... no matter how hard you tried, there is no way you could pull that off on purpose - of course, there's also no way you'll convince her that you didn't do it on purpose lol
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  #1008  
Old 04-01-2013, 02:53 PM
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BBShark BBShark is online now
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Default

THE WIFE FROM HELL



A police officer pulls
over a speeding car. The officer says, "I
clocked you at 80 miles per hour ,
sir ."





The driver says, "Gee,
officer, I had it on cruise control at
60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."





Not looking up from her
knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear --
you know that this car doesn't have cruise
control"




As the officer writes out the
ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"




The wife smiles demurely and
says, "Well dear you should be thankful
your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been
higher."




As the officer makes out the
second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says
through clenched teeth,



"Woman, can't you keep
your mouth shut?"





The officer frowns and says,
'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine. '





The driver says, 'Yeah,
well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me
over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '





The wife says, "Now,
dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never
wear your seat belt when you're driving."





And as the police officer is
writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and
barks, ' WILL YOU
PLEASE SHUT UP?? '





The officer looks over at the
woman and asks, "Does your husband
always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "




(I love this part)




"Only when he's been
drinking."
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  #1009  
Old 04-04-2013, 01:46 PM
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mrvette mrvette is offline
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Mom
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.S...he had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.
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  #1010  
Old 04-04-2013, 03:38 PM
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mrvette mrvette is offline
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?”

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.

She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory. All she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of ten Iraqi troops. She shot six of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets, killed three more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

''Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this story?”

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
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