THE WIFE :
Wife : "Why are you home so early?"
Hubby : "My boss said, go to hell!"
Doctor : How is your headache ?
Patient : She's out of town!
No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life:
Because, there is always a better model in his neighbourhood...!
Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.
It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!
Whisky is a brilliant invention...
One ‘double’ and you start feeling single again...
It is said that,
when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she loves the most!
and when a man does that,
The slide show begins.
Q - If a Woman is Quiet, which day is it?
Answer - Who Cares, just Enjoy the Day.
There are 3 kinds of men in this world.
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
Rest get married and wonder what happened...
Wives are magicians.......
They can change anything into an argument...
Women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, as compared to men.
A very INTELLIGENT man replied:
Women don't have a wife!
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From the land of smiles
"Hell, there are no rules here ... we're trying to accomplish something." Thomas Edison
I have a little list, let ALL of them be MIST......
Rare Blood Type !
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery,
but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to have
some of his blood type stored
in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood
that couldn't be found locally,
the call went out around the world.
Finally a Scotsman was located
who had the same rare blood type.
After some coaxing,
the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman
a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife,
and$100,000 US dollars
in appreciation for the blood donation.
A few months later,
the Arab had to undergo
a corrective surgery procedure.
Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman
who this time was more than happy
to donate his blood.
After the second surgery,
the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card
and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked
that the Arab did not reciprocate
his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He then phoned the Arab and asked him:
"I thought you would be more generous than that -
last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money,
but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card
and a crappy box of chocolates ?"
To this the Arab replied: "
but I now have Scottish blood in me veins".
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: About three
Woman: How much do you pay for each beer?
Man: About $5.00, including tip
Woman: And how long have you been drinking
Man: 20 years or so
Woman: So beer costs $5.00 and you have three a day which puts your spending each month at about $450.00. In a year that would be $5400.00. Is that correct?
Women: If in one year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000. Correct?
Woman: Do you realize that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after compounded interest for the past 20 years you could have now bought an airplane?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No I do not
Man: Where is your airplane?
You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here are the 2016 Darwin Awards:
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Sylvester Briddell Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS....
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
Random Thoughts of a Senior Citizen
Just sharing some thoughts meandering in my senior mind.....
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"
Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!
The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.
On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This
is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their noses?
Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam,
Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,
“YES, I HAVE YOU NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
“NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR
THAT DID YOURS.”
The room erupted in applause!
DON’T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS