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  #1971  
Old 08-26-2017, 05:32 AM
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BangkokDean BangkokDean is offline
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A man wanted to get married .
He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed .

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.


The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.


Men are like that, you know.
And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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  #1972  
Old 09-28-2017, 12:56 PM
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BangkokDean BangkokDean is offline
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1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.


3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.



4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.



5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.


7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.


8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.


9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.


10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.


11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.


12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.


13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.


14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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  #1973  
Old 10-06-2017, 01:32 AM
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A young guy from Idaho moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"



The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Idaho."



Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.



"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did"



His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

"That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida One sale a day might have been acceptable in Idaho, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."



The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"



The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65."



The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"



The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."



The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"



The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing!"
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  #1974  
Old 10-10-2017, 07:46 PM
Richard454 Richard454 is offline
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I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday?.....

She said- "Nothing would please me more than a diamond necklace."

So I got her nothing!!!
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  #1975  
Old 10-16-2017, 03:15 AM
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Paraprosdokians:

First time I heard about paraprosdokians, I liked them. Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them).

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ..
but it's still on my list

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of
Emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
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  #1976  
Old 10-17-2017, 03:06 AM
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BangkokDean BangkokDean is offline
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Michigan State Police announced the discovery of an arms cache of
200 semi-automatic rifles,

with 250,000 rounds of ammunition,
10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers,

2 tons of heroin,
$12 million in forged bills and
a ring of 14 prostitutes,
all in a housing project behind
the Detroit Public Library.
Detroit folks were stunned

A community organizer said:
"We be shocked! - We never knew we had a library."
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