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  #1861  
Old 07-08-2016, 06:21 PM
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mrvette mrvette is offline
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Default It Is So Hot That......

The chickens are laying hard boiled eggs......
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I have a little list, let ALL of them be MIST......
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  #1862  
Old 07-11-2016, 02:16 AM
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This is what all of us: 70+, other seniors, and kids (south of 60) have to look forward to!! This is something that happened at an assisted living center.



The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.



An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hard time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.



When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
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  #1863  
Old 07-11-2016, 07:05 AM
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Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race, they ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger, then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. A geologist exploring an earthquake fell to his death through no fault of his own.
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  #1864  
Old 07-11-2016, 07:06 AM
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A good looking blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

One day whilst supervising the children she notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone,while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says,

"Because I'm the Goalie !"
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  #1865  
Old 07-11-2016, 07:07 AM
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For Those Who Love The Philosophy Of Ambiguity, As Well As The Idiosyncrasies Of The English Language, Read On……..


1. One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila...... Floor.


2. Atheism Is A Non-prophet Organization.


3. If Man Evolved From Monkeys And Apes, Why Do We Still Have Monkeys And Apes?


4. I Went To A Bookstore And Asked The Saleswoman, "where's The Self- Help Section?"
She Said If She Told Me That, It Would Defeat The Purpose.


5. What If There Were No Hypothetical Questions?


6. Is There Another Word For Synonym?


7. What Do You Do When You See An Endangered Animal Eating An Endangered Plant?


8. If The Police Arrest A Mute, Do They Tell Him He Has The Right To Remain Silent?


9. Why Do They Put Braille On The Drive-through Bank Machines?


10. How Do They Get Deer To Cross The Road Only At Those Red Triangular Road Signs?


11. What Was The Best Thing Before Sliced Bread?


12. One Nice Thing About Egotists: They Don't Talk About Other People.


13. Do Infants Enjoy Infancy As Much As Adults Enjoy Adultery?


14. How Is It Possible To Have A Civil War?


15. If You Ate Both Pasta And Antipasto, Would You Still Be Hungry?


16. If You Try To Fail, And Succeed, Which Have You Done?


17. Whose Cruel Idea Was It For The Word 'lisp' To Have 's' In It?


18. If You Spin An Oriental Man In A Circle Three Times, Does He Become Disoriented?


19. Can An Atheist Get Insurance Against ‘acts Of God’?


20. Why Do Shops Have Signs, 'guide Dogs Only' - The Dogs Can't Read, And Their Owners Are Blind?
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  #1866  
Old 07-16-2016, 04:54 AM
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  #1867  
Old 07-20-2016, 02:35 AM
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  #1868  
Old 07-20-2016, 02:36 AM
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Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy, on a recommendation I decided to have it done while visiting friends in
​ ​
San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

"I haven't got an erection," I replied.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco ......................
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  #1869  
Old 07-20-2016, 03:41 PM
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George was a single guy living at home
with his father and working
in the family business.

When he found out he was
going to inherit a fortune
when his sickly father died,
he decided he needed to find
a wife with whom to share his fortune

One evening, at an investment meeting,
he spotted the most beautiful woman
he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy,"
he said to her, "but in just a few years,
my father will die
and I will inherit $200 million."

Intrigued and impressed,
the woman asked for his business card;
three weeks later
she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better
at financial planning than men.
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  #1870  
Old 07-23-2016, 04:45 AM
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