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Old 05-01-2008, 01:23 AM
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Default Official joke of the day thread

This guy goes into a bank and robs it. The police arrive, so he takes the people in the bank hostage. He walks up to the first hostage and says, "Did you see my face?". The first guy says "Yes."
Bam, he shoots him dead.
He goes to the second hostage. "Did you see my face?"
The second hostage says, "No, but I'm pretty sure my wife did."

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Old 05-01-2008, 02:06 AM
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Broke Back Deer Camp

The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."
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Old 05-01-2008, 02:08 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by big2bird View Post
This guy goes into a bank and robs it. The police arrive, so he takes the people in the bank hostage. He walks up to the first hostage and says, "Did you see my face?". The first guy says "Yes."
Bam, he shoots him dead.
He goes to the second hostage. "Did you see my face?"
The second hostage says, "No, but I'm pretty sure my wife did."

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Old 05-01-2008, 12:44 PM
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Blonde in Starbucks....

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it o ff and starts screaming, 'I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!'

The waitress says, 'That's impossible the biggest prize is a free Lunch..?' But the blonde keeps on screaming, I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!'

Finally, the manager comes over and says, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!' and she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...







'W I N A B A G E L'
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Old 05-01-2008, 06:54 PM
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How to Call The Police When You're Old and Don't Move Fast.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'


George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available.
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Old 05-02-2008, 11:27 PM
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Summer Classes for Men at (sure your wifes will enjoy this )

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Tuesday, July 1, 2008
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.



Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Sunday 12:00 for 2 hours.



Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor,
Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Sunday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Sundays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.



Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM



Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM



Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.



Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Saturday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined



Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Sunday noon, 2 hours.



Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM , location to be determined



Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.



Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Saturday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.



Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
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Old 05-05-2008, 12:55 AM
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big2bird big2bird is offline
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Default Letter to Dr. Ruth

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Old 05-06-2008, 07:26 PM
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JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the Hell out of me!'
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my first day driving a cab..... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'
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Old 05-06-2008, 10:25 PM
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Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'W ell, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blond hair, blue eyes, long legs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'



The old guy says...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'
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Old 05-07-2008, 07:57 PM
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Default A Riddle

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through. Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor. The other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old toothless woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?




































Don't look down.
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