A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please"
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" Asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right…whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say…"
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From the land of smiles
Six retired Jewish men from Florida were playing poker in the condo
clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest,
and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the
other five continue playing standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They
cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They
tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my
middle name. Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the dead man's apartment and knocks on the door. His
wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares:
"Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come home.
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"No problem - I'll let him know," says Goldberg.
Oh dear, not on a Saturday night I trust.
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat,” agreed to look after her
neighbor's male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.
She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable
to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was very late at night, she
called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked for me," he replied.
Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon. “You are in luck,” said the surgeon. “I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in four hours when I have completed the operation.”
So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, “I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub.” Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon. “Legs are harder,” said the surgeon, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in six hours.”
Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished early – John’s playing football.” Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skilful surgeon would do the job.
“Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach,” the surgeon muttered, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in 12 hours.”
Sam returned in 12 hours. “How did it go, Doc?” he asked. “I’m sorry. John died,” the surgeon replied.
“He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!”
Aphorism is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner.
♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
♦Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
The first surgeon from New York says "I like accountants. When you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
The second surgeon from Chicago responds. "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color coded.”
The third surgeon from Dallas says, "I really think librarians are best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The fourth surgeon from Los Angeles chimes in. "You know I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.”
But the fifth surgeon from Washington DC shut them all up when he observed. "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus the head and ass are interchangeable."
Men Teaching Classes for Women
Men Teaching Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By March 15, 2018
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULT LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM
Up in Winter, Down in Summer -
How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs. beginning at 7:00 PM..
Which Takes More Energy -
Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart
Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Fundamental Differences Between a
Purse and a Suitcase--
Picture and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and
Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet. Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and
Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different
Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--
Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes
Without an Insurance Claim.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes
Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Ahhh, granddads, and the wisdom they’re able to pass on to future generations .....
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between grandmothers and grandfathers?
Well,here it is.
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time – including pancakes, ice cream, and candy -- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and couldn’t get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out instead.
When they returned, the little girl eagerly ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked."Not really, Papa, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, dipshit,horse's ass, tree hugger, socialist left-wing punk, uglybastard, Muslim camel-humper, or son-of-a-bitch anywhere we went. We just drove around and around, and Grandma smiled at everyone we saw. Really, it just wasn’t much fun at all."
Almost brings a tear to your eye,doesn't it?
Shall I prepare Curry or Soup today?
Husband : First make it, we will name it later.
A frustrated husband in front of his laptop :
Dear google, please do not behave like my wife...
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.
A married man's prayer :
Dear God, You gave me childhood, You took it away. You gave me youth, You took it away.
You gave me a wife ... Its been years now, just reminding You.
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done,
I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! Why the hell did you bring him home for?"
Husband answers "Because he's thinking of getting married".
Employee : Sir You are like a lion in the office! What about at home ???
Boss : I am a lion at home too, But there we have a lion tamer !!!
A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and wife didn't speak to him for 6 months.
Was the necklace FAKE?
Nooooo ! That was the deal.
Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt :
"Please Do Not Disturb me,
I am Married and already very Disturbed"
Sunday At Church
A TEXAS MINISTER SAID TO HIS CONGREGATION, "SOMEONE IN THIS CONGREGATION
HAS SPREAD A RUMOR THAT I BELONG TO THE KU KLUX KLAN. THIS IS A HORRIBLE LIE AND ONE WHICH A CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY CANNOT TOLERATE. I AM
EMBARRASSED AND DO NOT INTEND TO ACCEPT THIS. NOW, I WANT THE PARTY WHO SAID THIS TO STAND AND ASK FORGIVENESS FROM GOD AND THIS CHRISTIAN FAMILY."
THE PREACHER CONTINUED, "DO YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO FACE ME AND ADMIT THIS IS A FALSEHOOD? REMEMBER, YOU WILL BE FORGIVEN AND IN YOUR HEART YOU WILL FEEL GLORY. NOW STAND AND CONFESS YOUR TRANSGRESSION."
AGAIN, EVERYONE WAS QUIET.
THEN, SLOWLY, A DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS BLONDE, WITH A BODY THAT COULD STOP A RUNAWAY TRAIN, ROSE FROM THE THIRD PEW. HER HEAD WAS BOWED AND HER VOICE QUIVERED AS SHE SPOKE, "REVEREND, THERE HAS BEEN A TERRIBLE MISUNDERSTANDING. I NEVER SAID YOU WERE A MEMBER OF THE KU KLUX KLAN.
I SIMPLY TOLD A COUPLE OF MY FRIENDS THAT YOU WERE A WIZARD UNDER THE SHEETS."
THE PREACHER FELL TO HIS KNEES, HIS WIFE FAINTED, AND THE CONGREGATION ROARED.
LIFE IS SHORT. SMILE WHILE YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TEETH.