Go Back   VetteMOD.com > Off Topic (No PR&C) > Off Topic

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1951  
Old 07-24-2017, 07:10 PM
Douglas Mariani's Avatar
Douglas Mariani Douglas Mariani is offline
United States | Addict
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Anaheim Hills,California
Posts: 1,029
My Photos: (15)
Default

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL 600." The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks." "Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.." "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
__________________
08 Coupe LS3/auto
80 Coupe L48/auto
68 Coupe 427/390/4sp
Reply With Quote
  #1952  
Old 07-25-2017, 03:51 AM
BangkokDean's Avatar
BangkokDean BangkokDean is offline
Thailand | Addict
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Bangkok
Posts: 3,352
My Photos: (14)
Default

A BAD Day

I was sitting there at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs
my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" He says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.” I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

"I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and I sit here watching the poison dissolve..............… and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, enough about me, how are you doing?"
__________________
[Only registered and activated users can see links. Click Here To Register...]
From the land of smiles
Bangkok Dean
Reply With Quote
  #1953  
Old 07-25-2017, 03:53 AM
BangkokDean's Avatar
BangkokDean BangkokDean is offline
Thailand | Addict
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Bangkok
Posts: 3,352
My Photos: (14)
Default

That Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, ‘I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?'

'No,' the woman replied. ‘Divorce Lawyer.'
Reply With Quote
  #1954  
Old 07-25-2017, 10:20 PM
JPhil's Avatar
JPhil JPhil is offline
United States | Huh?
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Loveland, Colorado, USA
Posts: 1,382
My Photos: (140)
Default

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
__________________
Kill the Buddha
Reply With Quote
  #1955  
Old 07-25-2017, 10:23 PM
JPhil's Avatar
JPhil JPhil is offline
United States | Huh?
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Loveland, Colorado, USA
Posts: 1,382
My Photos: (140)
Default

[Only registered and activated users can see links. Click Here To Register...]
Reply With Quote
  #1956  
Old 07-26-2017, 11:59 AM
Douglas Mariani's Avatar
Douglas Mariani Douglas Mariani is offline
United States | Addict
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Anaheim Hills,California
Posts: 1,029
My Photos: (15)
Default

A salesman knocks on the door of a house. When the door opens, he is greeted by a 10-year old boy smoking a cigar, a glass of whiskey in one hand and a Penthouse magazine in the other.
A bit taken aback, the salesman says, "Good afternoon, sir. Are your mother or father at home?"
The boy looks at the salesman for a moment and replies, "What the fuck do you think?"
Reply With Quote
  #1957  
Old 07-27-2017, 11:10 AM
Douglas Mariani's Avatar
Douglas Mariani Douglas Mariani is offline
United States | Addict
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Anaheim Hills,California
Posts: 1,029
My Photos: (15)
Default

Students at a local college were assigned to read two books, “Titanic” and “My Life” by Bill Clinton.
They were asked to do a book report and contrast the 2 books.
One student turned in the following book report with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

Titanic: Cost = $29.99
Clinton : Cost = $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a ******** artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During the ordeal, Roses dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica’s.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Lets not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn’t remember anything.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica… Ooh, lets not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary; basically the same thing.

His professor gave him an A+
Reply With Quote
  #1958  
Old 08-01-2017, 01:19 PM
Douglas Mariani's Avatar
Douglas Mariani Douglas Mariani is offline
United States | Addict
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Anaheim Hills,California
Posts: 1,029
My Photos: (15)
Default

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO…

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.

The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.

He floors it, and within 20 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your damn side mirror"
Reply With Quote
  #1959  
Old 08-07-2017, 12:45 PM
BangkokDean's Avatar
BangkokDean BangkokDean is offline
Thailand | Addict
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Bangkok
Posts: 3,352
My Photos: (14)
Default

Life just gets better as you get older, doesn’t it?
I was in a coffee shop recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realised that I desperately needed to fart. The place was packed but the music was really loud so, to get relief and reduce embarrassment, I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my IPod.

This is what happens when senior citizens use technology!
Reply With Quote
  #1960  
Old 08-07-2017, 12:45 PM
BangkokDean's Avatar
BangkokDean BangkokDean is offline
Thailand | Addict
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Bangkok
Posts: 3,352
My Photos: (14)
Default

REDSKINS DROP OFFENSIVE NAME .


The Washington Redskins finally drop offensive name:
Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced today that the team is dropping " Washington " from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as, "The Redskins."
It was reported that he finds the word 'Washington' imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:43 AM.
 


Design by: vBulletin Skins Zone
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.6.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.