Official joke of the day thread

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard of people having 'Guts' or having 'Balls'. But, do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby!'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

Both are fatal:smash:
 
Eight-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so, from now on you will be known as Frank."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is no longer Mohammad. I'm in Ireland now and my name is Frank."
"What?" she said. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat him.
Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day when Mohammad returned to school the teacher saw all of his bruises.
"What happened to you, Frank?" she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming Irish I was attacked by two f***ing Arabs."
 
Husband takes the wife to a Club.
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.
Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy?
25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
 
A guy goes
into the confessional box after years being away from the church.He
pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully
equippedbar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness
on tap,
cigars andliqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic

display of buxomladies who appear to have mislaid their
garments. He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's
been a very longtime since I've been to confession and I must admit
that the
confessional boxis much more inviting than it used to be". The
priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my
side". :surrender:
 
So, you want to be a Salesman !!!!!

Subject: Wink issue

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.

However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."

"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
 
The following items have NOT been stolen by the looters in Ferguson:

Pens, pencils, resume kits, work boots, work gloves, work coveralls, father's day cards.
 
INDIAN WINTER PREDICTION


> >It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reserve in Alberta asked
> their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
>
> Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the
> old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter
> was going to be like.
>
> Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the
> winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should
> collect firewood to be prepared.
>
> But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He
> went to the phone booth, called Environment Canada and asked, 'Is the
> coming winter going to be cold?'
>
>
> 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at
> the weather service responded.
>
> So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even
> more firewood in order to be prepared.
>
>A week later, he called Environment Canada again. 'Does it still look
> like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
>
> >
>
> 'Yes,' the man at Environment Canada again replied, 'it's going to be
> a very cold winter.'
>
> >
>
> The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
> every scrap of firewood they could find.
>
> >
>
> Two weeks later, the chief called Environment Canada again. 'Are you
> absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
>
> >
>
> >'Absolutely,' the man replied.'It's looking more and more like it is
> going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
>
> >
>
> >'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
>
> >
>
> >The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'
>
 
BangkokDean said:
The following items have NOT been stolen by the looters in Ferguson:

Pens, pencils, resume kits, work boots, work gloves, work coveralls, father's day cards.
Click to expand...

I grew up not far from Ferguson. Road my bike, cruised Steak & Shake in my first car, etc. Nice neighborhood then, and still is for the most part, except for the hood rats. :smash:

Cris Rock- How not to get your ass kicked by Police

175403d0642c511.jpg
 
Anything for a "shot" at fame

Check out this video on YouTube:

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFkTg6lhvQY[/ame]


Ice ice oh shit

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-HgHomgNKA[/ame]
 
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.

A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.

A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' the old man said simply.

'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.

As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,

'And how many have you caught?'

'You're the eighth one so far,' the old man answered.
 
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest,
said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four
pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like
a charm. The front of the church always fills first
now.'

The young priest nodded, and the old priest
continued, 'And you told me adding a little more
beat to the music would bring young people back
to church, so I supported you when you brought in
that Rock 'n Roll Gospel Choir. Now our services
are consistently packed to the balcony.'

'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I
am pleased that you are open to the New Ideas of
Youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said
the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too
far with the Drive-thru Confessional.'

'But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my
confessions and the donations have nearly doubled
since I began that!'

'Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate
that.... But the flashing neon sign on the church roof that says, 'Toot 'n Tell or
Go to Hell' has got to come down!




:smash:
 
At one point during a game, the team coach called one of his 9-year-old footballers aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is and what a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is taking part together as a team not whether we win or lose?
The little boy nodded 'yes'.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a fowl happens you shouldn't argue, swear, attack the referee, or call him a 'Prat, Dickhead or Asshole'. Do you understand all that?"

The little boy nodded 'yes' again.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not sportsmanship to call your coach 'A dumb ass or Shithead' is it?"

The little boy shook his head 'no'.

"Good", said the coach . . . "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!"
 
WOMEN DON'T FORGET THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 11

WOMEN: PLEASE THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 11!!!
WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY

Don't forget to mark your calendars...

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide.

So on September 11th, at 10:00 A.M. Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove
that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.


P.S.
If you don't send this to at least 1 person, you're a terrorist-sympathizing, lily-livered coward and are possibly aiding and abetting terrorists. :smash::loveletter:
 
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" she asked
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked: "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded: "Three were on a beer can; two were on the phone".
 
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