Official joke of the day thread

​Medical advice​

A man passed out drunk on Southport beach for four hours on the hottest day of the year.

He received horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his knees.

He went to the hospital in Liverpool, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,
'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?'

The Doctor replied,
'It won't really do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.
 
Subject: Paddy Logic
>
>
>
> A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned
> by the Eversweet Company.
> In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning
> Paddy.
>
> 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
> fine?' asked the solicitor.
> Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded
> my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da...'
>
> 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just
> answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
> 'I'm fine!'?'
>
> Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was
> drivin' down da road...'
>
> The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to
> establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
> the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
> accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
> Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
>
> By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and
> said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
> favourite cow, Bessie'.
> Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had
> just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin'
> her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came
> tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was
> trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I
> was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could
> hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain
> just by her groans.
>
> Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He
> could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her.
> After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and
> shot her between the eyes.
>
> Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me,
> and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
>
> 'Now wot da foock would you say?
 
Pharmacist to customer:

"Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription... Simply showing marriage certificate and wife's picture is not enough".



A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – "Which book has helped you most in your life?"
The woman replied – "My husband's cheque book !!"

A prospective husband in a book store "Do you have a book called, 'Husband – the Master of the House'?
Sales Girl : "Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!".

Someone asked an old man : "Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Luv. What's the secret ?
Old man : I forgot her name and I'm scared to ask her.

A man in Hell asked the Devil:Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making the call he asked how much he had to pay.
Devil : Nothing. Hell to hell is Free.

Wife : I wish I was a newspaper. So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband : I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day !

Husband to wife – Today is a fine day. Next day he says : Today is a fine day. Again next day, he says same thing – Today is a fine day. Finally after a week, the wife can't take it and asks her husband – since last week, you have been saying "Today is a fine day'. I am fed up. What's the matter?
Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said, "I will leave you one fine day." I was just trying to remind you……"
 
Date: Mon, 9 Nov 2015 23:08:15 +0000
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Fw: ACTS 2:38


----- Forwarded Message -----
From: andrew barclay <[email protected]>
To:
Sent: Monday, November 9, 2015 2:47 AM
Subject: ACTS 2:38

You gotta love compassionate Christian seniors.

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled to see an intruder there.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Axe and Two 38s!"
 
The Natural Law Of The Universe

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. But surprisingly it lands butter-side-up.

He looks at what's happened in astonishment, for he knows it's a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest....

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious what we havehere. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father - No, Father, Oi dropped it and it landed just loike dat. Oi swear so."

"Well," says the prıest, "it's certainly a natural law of the Universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it's not for me to say that it's a miracle. I'll report the matter to the bishop, and see what he has to say.

A rigorous investigation is instigated to evaluate if a 'Miracle' did in fact occur, not only by the local archdiocese, but by a bishop from Cork who was fresh back from the Curia in Rome.

After much thought the final ruling read: -

On conclusion it stated certainly an extraordinary event occurred in Murphy's room, quite outside the normal run of phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening to be miraculous & rule out all possible natural explanations.

"In this particular case we have declared that there was no miracle.

The Irish Bishop then explains


"It's obvious, Murphy must have buttered the toast on the wrong side."
 
A wise person once said:


1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the
best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

> 2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend
on a cold night after a few drinks - Priceless.

> 3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

> 4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.


5. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

> 6. On average, an American man under 75 will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man the same age will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese!
 
fetch
 
After retiring, a former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit coat.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence..............
The rest of the year went smoothly.
 
I believe the above joke, because me being age 71 and went to Jr. College in late '62, having hated/flunked Englush klass every year in HS...

the mandatory Englush klass was conducted by Dr. Everett Jacoby....a person I will NEVER forget, why?? first, he had wild almost hippy hair, full beard/mustache and glasses....wore sloppy pants, and a sweater with a open suit jacket almost every day, no tie most of the time.....

SO he walks into the class first day, table/lectern in front, tosses his briefcase on the table with papers and shit hanging out of it in a sloppy fashion.....hits the lectern and stops it short of the floor, walks to the window, massages his beard.....

as typical for all those soft courses, Englush included, the guys/jocks in back leaning back rocking the chairs, and the chicks up front.....

SO he walks back to the table, stands there and exclaims

'ANYBODY KNOW HOW LARGE A HORSES' PENIS IS IN ERECTION?? HE HOLDS HIS HANDS OUT WIDE AND SO THE ENTIRE CLASS CRACKS UP HOWLING LAUGHTER......

some of the guys actually tipped the desk/chairs over backwards laughing to hard, a few of the chicks hit the floor also....

talk about SHOCK effect......turns out he was a WW2 vet of the Normandy invasion, as I recall maybe another famous battle,.....and he told some interesting tales of those times through that semester.....I even managed to bet a B outta the course......:rofl::rofl:
 
On a London underground train to St John's to watch the cricket at Lords, an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip puts you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME!"
I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that ?"
The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"
 
Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty!"

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man : "I don't give a fuck what you think."
 
BIRTH CONTROL FOR GRANDMA The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through the list, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills? "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks…and believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."

THE NICE MAN BECAME IMPATIENT A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!

BIOLOGY EXAM: This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A.

WISE ITALIAN GRANDFATHER An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated...38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns…How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos." "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' ?"


A RIDE IN THE TAXI A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings."Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" "She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
 
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