Official joke of the day thread

Ralph & Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you
want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good
news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since
you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in
and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that
your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hanged himself in the bathroom
with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but
he's dead.'

Edna
replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry...
How soon can I go home?'
 
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At the Bar
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,
"Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back
door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on ... It doesn't matter to me. I just love it."

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding ...
I'm in Government, too. Are you federal or state?"
 
A widowed Jewish lady, still in very good shape, was
sunbathing on a totally deserted beach near Tel Aviv.



She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good
shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near
hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to
strike up a conversation with him. "How are you
today?"



"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.



"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.



"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago,"
he replied and turned back to his book.



"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago
and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?"
she asked.



"Yes, I live over in Haifa,"
he answered, and again he resumed reading.



Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted,
"Do you like pussy cats?"



With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket,
tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate
lovemaking of her life.



When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the
man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"



The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
 
The English Plural 1

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,

But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,

Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

The English Plural 2

If the plural of man is always called men,

Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,

And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

The English Plural 3

Then one may be that, and there would be those,

Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,

And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

But though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

The English Plural 4

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;

Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England.

The English Plural 5

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,

We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,

And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,

Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

The English Plural 6

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,

What do you call it?

The English Plural 7

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

The English Plural 8The English Plural 12
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English

Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?



The English Plural 9
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...

We have noses that run and feet that smell.

We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.

And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,

While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?



The English Plural 10
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language

In which your house can burn up as it burns down,

In which you fill in a form by filling it out,

And in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing...........

If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop.??????
 
Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.

'Who is credited with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that is the question'?" asked the teacher.

Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'.

'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off."

'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

'Well okay,' said the teacher.

The next quote is, "I had a dream!"

Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!"

"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"

"No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Fri Sum Kat.

'Okay,' said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "Fucking Asians!"

"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday ..........."
 
AT THE NEW SENIORS COMPLEX !!!

This is the laugh of the day or maybe the season! What we have to look forward to!
On the first day at the new senior's complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male quarters to the females.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued,
"Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.
Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.
Are there any questions?"
An older gentleman stood up in the crowd and inquired:
"How much for a season pass???
 
Two elderly friends - Jack & Tom - met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels & solve the world's problems.

One day Jack didn't show up.

Tom didn't think much about it & figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Jack hadn't shown up for a week or so, Tom got worried.

Unfortunately he didn't know where Jack lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

After a month passed, Tom figured he had seen the last of Jack, but one day when he went to the park - lo & behold, there sat Jack!

Tom, excited & happy, said how glad he was to see him, then blurted out: "For crying out loud, what on earth happened to you?"

"I've been in jail." Jack said, with some embarrassment.

"Jail?" cried Tom "What in the world for?"

"Well," Jack said "you know Marilyn, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Tom "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and at 89 years of age, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty."

"And you were convicted of rape?" asked Tom, stunned.

Jack replied: "No, the judge gave me thirty days for perjury."
 
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . .Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead!

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . Dead!.cid:

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive!!?

So the Minister asked the congregation,
"So, my friends? What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service!
 
Blessed are those that can give without remembering; and take without forgetting.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and

the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'

The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there
were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
As Ronald Reagan said:
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
 
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed the telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but after a moment the dog moaned and then the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current every time the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.
 
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bible

2. A silver dollar

3. A bottle of whiskey

4. A Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up."

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man and that would be okay, too.

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old preacher waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."
 
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What I never knew about vodka

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka.. The stuff dissolves adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on wine stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp,removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka and spray bees or wasps to kill them..
9 Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.
10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.
11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.
12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
13 Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.
15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

And silly me!
I've only been drinking the shit ! HUMMMMMM
 
A retired guy sits around the house all
day so one day his wife says, "Joe, you could do something useful, like
vacuum the house once a week". The guy gives it a moment's thought and says:
"Sure why not. Where's the vacuum?
Half an hour
later, the guy comes into the kitchen to get some coffee. His wife says,
"I didn't hear the vacuum running, I thought you were going to do
the vacuuming"? Exasperated, Joe
answers,"The stupid thing is broken, it won't start. We need to buy a
new one". "Really", she says, "show
me - it worked fine the last time". So he did

https://videos.files.wordpress.com/Xblfe4qf/retired-vacum-cleaner_dvd.mp4
 
Not for the squeamish!!

SECONDS before Death (totally unaware).

WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO.

THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS TO LIVE

(CHILLING!)









lard-a-.jpg
 
Husband and his wife had a bitter fight on the day of their 20th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here lies my wife – cold as ever."
"Yeah" she replies, "And when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here lies my husband – stiff at last!":thankyou:
 
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