Official joke of the day thread

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield.........


Because he said ....

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.


It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!


Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.


A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!


A hooker once told me she had a headache.


I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.


If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.


I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'


I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.


I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.


My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.


I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.


The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'


My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.


I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.


My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.


My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.


My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
 
Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."
So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"
 
Panties On A Plane

Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for
the very first time.

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me on
sum hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane.'

'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked. The first replied,
'Cuz, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up

in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some floe
resant orange panties.'

'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cuz if dis hare plane is goin' down and I
be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties.' 'Wot?
No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, 'Dat's right girls, you hears me right. I ain't
wearing no panties, cos, honey,
dey always look for da Black Box first.
 
MOVING TO DETROIT

Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Detroit , when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Bob asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit - I've heard the people are crazy there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
 
HE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Nominated as the world's best short joke....

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
 
Medical Distinction

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is NO difference in the outcome.

Both are fatal.
 
"Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."

1prettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."

1fuckingprettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."

1FUCKINGprettyrose

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."

1FuckingPrettyRose

"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."

1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow.

"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."

1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow

"Sorry, that password is already in use."
 
Grandma And Grandpa Were Watching A Religious Healing Program On Tv ...

The Evangelist Called To All Who Wanted To Be Healed, To Put One Hand On The
Tv And The Other On The Body Part They Wanted Healed ...

Grandma Hobbled To The Tv And Put One Hand On The Tv And The Other On Her
Arthritic Hip ..

Grandpa Made His Way To The Set And Put One Hand On The Tv And The Other
On His Crotch ...

Grandma Looked At Him With Disgust: "you Just Don't Understand,you Old
Coot .. The Purpose Of This Program Is To Heal The Sick, Not Raise The
Dead .....
 
Sometimes getting old is okay............

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally
deserted beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and noticed that a man her
age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near
hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you
today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned
back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is
very lonely, "she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again he resumed
reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like
pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her
swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How
did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
 
Paddy has a broken leg

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How ya doin?"

Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate... run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.

So mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19 year -old twin daughters lying on the bed.






He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with the both of you."

They say, "Get away with ya… prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, Paddy, both of em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one!!??"
 
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.


I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for awhile, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel alot better. So I thought, soldier on.

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

I bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Big Wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 metre final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?" "No," she said,
"Eight black men and a gun."

A Catholic boy in confession says, Bless me Father, for I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.That's a disgrace, said the priest, especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own Doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
 
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of
assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?"

"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"
 
50 Shades – the Sequel

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth...
back and forth..... in and out..........

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.

She was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding..... Her face was flushed.....

Then she moaned, softly at first, and then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"Okay, Okay!!! I can't park the car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!"=
 
A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra.

The mom then asks, "why on Earth do you need that?"

The boy replies, "Isn't that what you give dad when his shit won't get hard?"

:bump:
 
5 Minute Management Course

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologised 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity..

Lesson 2 :

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin. clerk..… 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'



'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.


Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.
 
Apple does it again

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499..00 and $699.00, depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.
 
-Another older but goodie

-Another older but goodie

I ended up with an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 65-year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a 'Sportsman's Double'?

'What's that? I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I > haven't.'

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs,




"Hey 'Mom...you still awake?"
 
Leave it to a little kid to put a smile on your face!!!!
This is truly first grade logic,

Undies
Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them.
Mom said : "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies".
Susie said: " I know they do ... that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!:shocking:
 
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He starts the stop by asking the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer, in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
 
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