Official joke of the day thread

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

Not really, Grandpa Gene, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horse's ass, tree hugger, socialist left wing lib, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun like when I go with you.

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it
 
Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy........than to
fumble THIS football"
John Heisman



"Show me a good and gracious loser.......and I'll show you a failure."


Knute Rockne /Notre Dame



"I make my practices real hard ........because if a player is a
quitter.....I want him to quit in practice, not in a game."
Bear Bryant / Alabama


"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle.....You can hear it!

Knute Rockne / Notre Dame


"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat.......That costs money and we
don't have any."

Erk Russell / Georgia Southern.


"Football is only a game.
Spiritual things are eternal.
Nevertheless, Beat Texas ."

Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.


"After you retire, there's only one big event left....
and I ain't ready for that."

Bobby Bowden / Florida State



"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be
the one who dropped it."

Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Norte Dame


"When you win, nothing hurts."

Joe Namath / Alabama


"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated."

Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Norte Dame


"If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold...
you gotta know the password, "Roll, tide, roll!"

Bear Bryant / Alabama


"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a
medieval study hall."

Frank Leahy / Notre Dame


"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting
the hell kicked out of you."

Woody Hayes / Ohio State


"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on
NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant
an investigation."

Bob Devaney / Nebraska


"In Alabama , an atheist is...
someone who doesn't believe in
Bear Bryant."

Wally Butts / Georgia


"I never graduated from Iowa , but I was only there
for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's."

Alex Karras / Iowa


"My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest
route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor."

Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee


"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar.......except for my grades."

Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State


"Always remember .....Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David."

Shug Jordan / Auburn



"They cut us up like boarding house pie... and that's real small pieces."

Darrell Royal / Texas


"They whipped us like a tied up goat."

Spike Dykes / Texas Tech


"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas
Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said:
"Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't
any good."

Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State


"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands
aren't on the steering wheel."

Bobby Bowden / Florida State


"Football is NOT a contact sport - it is a collision sport.
Dancing IS a contact sport."

Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State



After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post game
message to his team: "All those who need showers...
take them."

John McKay / USC


"If lessons are learned in defeat... our team is getting a
great education."

Murray Warmath / Minnesota


"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb.
To be a back, you only have to be dumb."

Knute Rockne / Notre Dame


"Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard
puke this afternoon."

Spike Dykes / Texas Tech



"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches."

Darrell Royal / Texas


"We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by
not blocking."

John McKay / USC


"Three things can happen when you throw the ball...
and two of them are bad ."

Darrell Royal / University of Texas



"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players."

Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
 
Blonde Mortician.........
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I am very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' says the widow.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to is grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
 
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

OKAY?








Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?




The moral is this.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way......
Things are going to get ugly!!!
 
Stop laughing at us seniors....

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper
was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him
and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your
garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door,
and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open,
and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about
his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask,
'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't All I saw was an old minivan
with two flat tires..


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center
were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and
says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'


A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty..'


Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with
a gorgeous young woman on his arm
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma
and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur; be careful.'



One more. . ...!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
 
English test

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference
between these two words.

In a recently held linguistic competition held in London and attended by
supposedly the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man,
was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over
5 minutes.

The final question was:

How do you explain the difference between
COMPLETE and FINISHED
in a way that is easy to understand.

Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Here is his astute answer
...

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED,
and when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!

He won a trip to travel the world in style and a case of 25 year old rum.
 
I head of an Englishman who knew his widower father was very lonely and coming up for his 80th birthday.
He found a 'lady of the night' who liked older men and would do 'Simply Sex' for 50 pounds, 'GREAT Sex' for 100 pounds, or an all-night anything-goes package she called 'SUPER Sex' for 150 queenies.
He bought the most expensive option and told her to knock on his dads door at 7.00pm on birthday night. This she did, wearing only high heels and a fur coat.
As he opened the door she flashed open the fur coat and exclaimed:
"I'm here to give you Super Sex!"
"Oh thanks very much love" the man replied. "I'll have the soup."
 
Late one night in the capitol city a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
:hunter:
 
A little twisted but funny

A beautiful but seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve up to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman shouted back, "Hell no ... now get away from me!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
 
True story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test in France.
The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was extremely drunk ..
The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.'
'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'
'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's black label.'
Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?
The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, as is my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, behind the wheel?'
 
FROM THE Gulf Shores.....TEXAS

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked at me deep & steady and I heard her slowly say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'

I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'
 
Bedtime is a gas
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
 
A man named Bob received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced
with profanity.

Bob tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by
consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music
and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, Bob was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
yelled back. Bob shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
In desperation, Bob threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Bob quickly opened the door
to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bob's outstretched arms and said...
'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and
I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior.'

Bob was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic
change in his behavior, then the bird continued:

'Now, sir...May I ask what the turkey did?'
 
Murphy applied for a job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin

A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Pole the job." Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that?" "We both got 19 questions correct." "This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."
Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
Manager: "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don't know.'
You put down, 'Neither do I'."
 
Pakistani Pile driver


The recent, horrible and tragic building collapses in South Asia have already resulted in the adoption of new building construction standards and practices... In a regulatory effort to ensure this type of disaster never again occurs.

Only a month after more than 1,100 Bangladeshi garment workers lost their lives in the collapse of a badly-built and poorly-maintained eight-story building, the new building code has, thankfully, gone into force... And its rigid practices are already being applied by highly-skilled and properly-trained construction teams laboring on jobsites all across the sub-continent.

For you construction Gurus, click on this link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFb0nLCKypg
 
Waiting Room At The Dr's Office Not The Best Place To Share A Joke
Perusing through my mail on the phone when I read this joke .
Cracked up and 85 year old Mother who was filling out forms at a new Dr Office looked at me with that stern look that said WTF is wrong with you .
I showed her the Joke and she cracked up too .
The office staff were looking at us so I apologized at the window and shared the joke with them .
Well the Dr then came through so he had to know what was causing the commotion .
Well we didn't get ejected and were lucky there wasn't a room full of people so it was a memorable day at the Dr's office .
I won't read jokes at the Dr's office again . Glad they had Kleenex handy .


The phone rings and the lady of the house answers. "Hello?" "Mrs. Sanders, please." "Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well.

We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we could have, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "

"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
 
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
 
BangkokDean said:
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Click to expand...

border patrol: yeah, we saw the rabbit, we gave him a hot meal and a place to live until we can sort out just how many kids he has.

DEA: we're pretty sure the rabbit is actually a mule, but the tracks don't match our handbook.

DHS: we have no record of a rabbit being a terrorist, but we are going to add him to the no fly list anyway. can't be too safe.

secret service: he's on our kill list, after all, we once had a rabbit threaten president Carter, and we can't be too safe when it comes to rabbits.

IRS - We believe the rabbits name is Jimmy Hoppa.
:devil::D
 
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