Official joke of the day thread

big2bird

big2bird

Charter Member, Founder Bird-Run, Cruise-In Bird-R
Joined
Mar 5, 2008
Messages
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Location
Anaheim, Ca.
This guy goes into a bank and robs it. The police arrive, so he takes the people in the bank hostage. He walks up to the first hostage and says, "Did you see my face?". The first guy says "Yes."
Bam, he shoots him dead.
He goes to the second hostage. "Did you see my face?"
The second hostage says, "No, but I'm pretty sure my wife did."

:lol::lol::lol:
 
Broke Back Deer Camp

The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."
 
big2bird said:
This guy goes into a bank and robs it. The police arrive, so he takes the people in the bank hostage. He walks up to the first hostage and says, "Did you see my face?". The first guy says "Yes."
Bam, he shoots him dead.
He goes to the second hostage. "Did you see my face?"
The second hostage says, "No, but I'm pretty sure my wife did."

:lol::lol::lol:
Click to expand...

:lol::lol::lol:
 
Blonde in Starbucks....

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it o ff and starts screaming, 'I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!'

The waitress says, 'That's impossible the biggest prize is a free Lunch..?' But the blonde keeps on screaming, I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!'

Finally, the manager comes over and says, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!' and she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...







'W I N A B A G E L'​
 
How to Call The Police When You're Old and Don't Move Fast.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'


George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available.
 
Summer Classes for Men at (sure your wifes will enjoy this :D )

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Tuesday, July 1, 2008
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.



Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Sunday 12:00 for 2 hours.



Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor,
Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Sunday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Sundays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.



Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM



Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM



Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.



Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Saturday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined



Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Sunday noon, 2 hours.



Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM , location to be determined



Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.



Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Saturday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.



Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
 
JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the Hell out of me!'
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my first day driving a cab..... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'
 
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'W ell, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blond hair, blue eyes, long legs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'



The old guy says...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'
 
A Riddle

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through. Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor. The other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old toothless woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?




































Don't look down.
 
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of
unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him
to change.

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual
purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 13 year
old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting
home?', they asked.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project' said Tommy.
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went
after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
''The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy. The Robot went around
to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry
I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I
never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse
right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all,
He is your son!'
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha and decked her
too.
 
Damn fine explanation

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making
love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset.


"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me --
a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"


And the husband replied, "Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can
tell you what happened."


"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed," but they'll be the last words you'll say
to me!"
And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive
home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down
and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the
car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion,
I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last
night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on
weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she
was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I
threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer
jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say
they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your
anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good
taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you
don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought
at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a
pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for
my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please ..... do you have anything
else that your wife doesn't use?"
 
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. Thinking nothing of it, the man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman had a cold, the man was somewhat curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man finally turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?'

I am sorry if I disturbed you,' she replied. 'I have a very rare medical condition - whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'

The man, although more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before,' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded. 'Pepper.'
 
A blonde is driving down a country road, and suddenly she slams on the brakes, skids to a stop, and rolls down her window.
Off to her left is another blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a corn field.
She screams out,"You stupid blonde bitch. It's stupid blonde bitches like you that give us blondes a bad name. And if I could swim, I'd swim out there and kick your ass.":huh:
 
Fishinglicence.jpg
 
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement,
job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van?
__Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires?
__Yes __No

C. A waterbed?
__Yes__No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back?
__Yes __No

E. A tattoo?
__Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
__Yes __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

______________________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, and RED HOT POKERS.


_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


________________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature
Father's Signature

_______________________________ _______________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State
Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not
try to call or write (since
you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your
application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
(you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating .



Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at
her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you
cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will
remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age
to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of
your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open
minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to
the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big,
and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes
do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my
daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers
securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me
elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill
you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the
day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is
an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my
house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities
to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with
my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl,
you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with
you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you
want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My
daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than
painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why
don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than
a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is
dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank
tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater,
and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong
romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature
chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are
better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my
daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I
ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell
me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a
shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with
me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake
the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a
rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the
voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for
you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway
you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the
perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no
need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is
mine.
 
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