Official joke of the day thread

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

A bible

A silver dollar

A bottle of whisky

And a Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door', the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school this afternoon, 'I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle. he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he' s going to be a skirt-chasing bum.
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this months centerfold.
'Lord have mercy.' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
'He's gonna run for Congress.'
--
 
Political joke of the day

A distinguished man dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, he is met by St. Peter who welcomes him.

St. Pete: Welcome. Before I can admit you, I have to check your clock.

Gentleman: Clock?

St. Pete: Yes clock. When you were born, we put a clock with your name on it on the wall. Every time you tell a lie, the arms move. There, for instance, is George Washinton's. Notice that its at !2 o'clock. He never told a lie.

Gentleman: I see that, but Thomas Jefferson's is at 12:05.

St. Pete: Yes, he only told one lie in his life.

The old man stops for a second and then asks "where is Hillary Clinton's clock?"

St. Pete: Oh, Jesus keeps that one in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.
 
YOUR PARROT IS DEAD SENOR



At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'

'Yes, Senor Rod.'

'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new tailor made Super Quad 460 golf club.'

SILENCE . . . . . . . . . . .LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . . . .



'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep trouble !!'
 
Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new .22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask, Do these new grips make me look fat?

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.
 
grand_theft_auto_somalia.jpg
 
pickup lines

1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea.
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
Woman - 'WHAT?'
Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as winder cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.


AND.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up
 
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his "private part" hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did,"! he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
 
Driving Rules for Los Angeles

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name. It is L. A.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush
hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday
morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph.
On the 105 or 110, your speed is expected to match the highway
number. Anything less is considered wussy.

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. L. A. has its own
version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest
muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires
go second. In Malibu, however, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking
moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended,
cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that
can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of L.A.,
Orange, San Diego, San Bernardino and Riverside counties.
Detour barrels are moved around at random nightly for your
entertainment pleasure during the wee hours, to make the next
day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Mapquest does not work here -- none of the roads are where they
say they are or go where they say they go, and all the freeway off and
on ramps are moved each night.

9. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the
shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally
activated.'

10. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph
zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be 'flipped off'
accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

11. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon
for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday appointments,
and right after religious studies or services on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

12. And finally, why is the San Diego
Freeway called the '405'?
Because no matter where you are going, it takes 4 or 5 hours to get
there.
 
Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"

6. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

9. Sing Along At The Opera

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood

11. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom

12. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

13. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling, "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

14. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
 
A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it over
onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the
trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of
the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench
coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.
It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged,
approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?"
"My car broke down, officer" says the woman calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the
road?" he asks.


"Helllooooooo!!!!" says the blonde. "Those are my emergency flashers!"
 
Please excuse the rough language in the following story...



A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got

back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother,

"so how was the honeymoon?"

Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So

romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we

returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd

never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got

to take me home..., PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your

husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT

4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so

embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother

these horrible 4-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.


:confused2:
 
Southwest Airlines

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines
From Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the
Window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby
Dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes
Have baby planes?"

The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could
Ask the stewardess."

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby
Dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes
Have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to
Ask me?"

The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then,
Tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your
Mother to explain it to you."
 
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