Official joke of the day thread

Fence Post turtle,,

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President. The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle'." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him
what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, "When you' re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'." The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there!."'
 
Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher.

After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: 'Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?'

Leroy replies: 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.'

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy: 'Leroy, how is your hearing now?'

Leroy says, 'I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday
 
Isn't calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant", kinda like calling a dope dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist?"
 
The South---you Gotta Love It

Tennessee

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said , 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.

'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.

'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.

'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'. 'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.

Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Lou isiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'

Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'

The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'

Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D.?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'

The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'

And this from South Carolina

'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North. ;)
 
Two men are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a highway patrolman. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and ‘Whack!’ the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver asks, “What the hell was that for?”

The cop answers, “You’re in Alabama, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car.”

The driver says, “I’m sorry, Officer, I’m not from around here.” The cop runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and, ‘Whack!’ the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, “What’d you do that for?”

The cop says, “Just making your wish come true.”

The passenger asks, “Making what wish come true?”

The cop says, “Two miles down the road you’re gonna say to your buddy, ‘I wish that azzhole would’ve tried that shit with me!’”
 
A Top Secret

After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is still
alive', Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
hand writing to let him know he was still in the game.


Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her
aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, and then to
MI6. Eventually they asked the Mossad for help.

Within a minute the Mossad emailed the White House with this reply:
'Tell the President he's holding the message upside down.'
 
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Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there
 
A young guy from Illinois moves to Texas and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Illinois '

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

'How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says 'one'.

The boss says 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?'

The kid says '$101,237.65 '.

The boss says '$101, 237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a Twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'
 
New Sex Study...

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for
married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead
 
The wit of the Irish

A major International company was looking to recruit for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts the of British Isles.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same, question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was:
A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first, from England, says 'My answer is, there is no answer.'

The second, from Scotland, says 'My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.'

The third one, from Ireland, says 'I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names.
It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Naylor.'

The Irishman got the job...
 
Subject: WALLET CRIME ALERT

Guys, please read carefully...


A "HEADS UP" for men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping at Home Depot. Simply going out to repair or beautify your home has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends!

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your purchases into the trunk. Both girls start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex; their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look!

When you thank them and offer them a tip they say "No" that’s OK and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing!

Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th and 29th.

Also June 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, three times last Saturday, Father’s day and yesterday the 16th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful!


FYI Wal-Mart has wallets on sale $3.99 each
 
HYPNOTIST AT THE SENIOR CENTER

It was entertainment night at the senior center, and the amazing Claude was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced that unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, he intended to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

I want each one of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch, it 's been in my family for six generations.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...

The crowd was mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor breaking into a hundred pieces...

'SHIT!' said the hypnotist...

It took three days to clean up the senior center
 
Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer
for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey
the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but
I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then, just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What
happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off.
I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck grew up and now works for the government.
 
A Poem

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

The End
 
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