Official joke of the day thread

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked

him to answer a question. "Johnny, If there were five birds sitting on a fence and

you shot one with your gun, how many would be left"?



"None" Johnny replied, "cause the rest would fly away".



Well, the answer is four, said the teacher, but I like the way you're thinking.



Little Johnny says, I have a question for you. If there are three women eating ice

cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone

and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"



"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking her cone"?



"No", said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
 
A man walks into a bar.............
The bar jar

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first...... Those are the rules,' says the bartender. So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it. Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands. Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex.... You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender..... 'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?' He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body. He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'

The moral to the story: Listen carefully to the directions, and don't trust your judgment when alcohol is involved!
 
Church Humor
Three Holy Men And A Bear

“A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee.
Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, spoke first.
Well, he said, 'I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and said, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.'
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip. 'I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible!
But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill, until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision might not have been the best way to start…”
 
A priest was invited to attend a house party.

Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.

Little Jackson kept staring at him the entire evening.

Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.

The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.

When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked him, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"

The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."
 
Kevin had shingles.
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!
Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Kevin:

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had....Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room..

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.


An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.


Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck.

Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

HOPE THIS MAKES YOU LAUGH OUT LOUD LIKE I DID....
THAT'S WHY I HAD TO SEND THIS TO YOU.....
THESE DAYS WE NEED ALL THE LAUGHS WE CAN GET
 
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'
 
rtj said:
BangkokDean said:
Happy New Year
Click to expand...



Ummm, not funny.
Click to expand...

THE OSTRICH !

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please"

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.

"The usual?" Asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right…whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say…"
 
Six retired Jewish men from Florida were playing poker in the condo
clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest,
and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the
other five continue playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They
cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They
tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my
middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the dead man's apartment and knocks on the door. His
wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares:
"Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come home.

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"No problem - I'll let him know," says Goldberg.
 
Oh dear, not on a Saturday night I trust.

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat,” agreed to look after her
neighbor's male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.

She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable
to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was very late at night, she
called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.

I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked for me," he replied.
 
Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon. “You are in luck,” said the surgeon. “I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in four hours when I have completed the operation.”

So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, “I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub.” Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon. “Legs are harder,” said the surgeon, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in six hours.”

Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished early – John’s playing football.” Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skilful surgeon would do the job.

“Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach,” the surgeon muttered, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in 12 hours.”

Sam returned in 12 hours. “How did it go, Doc?” he asked. “I’m sorry. John died,” the surgeon replied.

“He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!”
 
Aphorism is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner.


♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
 
The first surgeon from New York says "I like accountants. When you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”



The second surgeon from Chicago responds. "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color coded.”



The third surgeon from Dallas says, "I really think librarians are best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”



The fourth surgeon from Los Angeles chimes in. "You know I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.”



But the fifth surgeon from Washington DC shut them all up when he observed. "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus the head and ass are interchangeable."
 
Men Teaching Classes for Women

Men Teaching Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By March 15, 2018

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULT LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer -
How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs. beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy -
Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart
Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a
Purse and a Suitcase--
Picture and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and
Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet. Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and
Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different
Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--
They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--
Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes
Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes
Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
 
Ahhh, granddads, and the wisdom they’re able to pass on to future generations .....

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between grandmothers and grandfathers?
Well,here it is.

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time – including pancakes, ice cream, and candy -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and couldn’t get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out instead.

When they returned, the little girl eagerly ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked."Not really, Papa, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, dipshit,horse's ass, tree hugger, socialist left-wing punk, uglybastard, Muslim camel-humper, or son-of-a-bitch anywhere we went. We just drove around and around, and Grandma smiled at everyone we saw. Really, it just wasn’t much fun at all."


Almost brings a tear to your eye,doesn't it?
 
English humour.

Shall I prepare Curry or Soup today?
Husband : First make it, we will name it later.





A frustrated husband in front of his laptop :
Dear google, please do not behave like my wife...
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.





A married man's prayer :


Dear God, You gave me childhood, You took it away. You gave me youth, You took it away.
You gave me a wife ... Its been years now, just reminding You.





A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done,

I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! Why the hell did you bring him home for?"
Husband answers "Because he's thinking of getting married".



Employee : Sir You are like a lion in the office! What about at home ???
Boss : I am a lion at home too, But there we have a lion tamer !!!



A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and wife didn't speak to him for 6 months.
Was the necklace FAKE?

Nooooo ! That was the deal.



Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt :
"Please Do Not Disturb me,
I am Married and already very Disturbed"
 
Sunday At Church

A TEXAS MINISTER SAID TO HIS CONGREGATION, "SOMEONE IN THIS CONGREGATION
HAS SPREAD A RUMOR THAT I BELONG TO THE KU KLUX KLAN. THIS IS A HORRIBLE LIE AND ONE WHICH A CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY CANNOT TOLERATE. I AM
EMBARRASSED AND DO NOT INTEND TO ACCEPT THIS. NOW, I WANT THE PARTY WHO SAID THIS TO STAND AND ASK FORGIVENESS FROM GOD AND THIS CHRISTIAN FAMILY."
NOBODY MOVED.
THE PREACHER CONTINUED, "DO YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO FACE ME AND ADMIT THIS IS A FALSEHOOD? REMEMBER, YOU WILL BE FORGIVEN AND IN YOUR HEART YOU WILL FEEL GLORY. NOW STAND AND CONFESS YOUR TRANSGRESSION."
AGAIN, EVERYONE WAS QUIET.
THEN, SLOWLY, A DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS BLONDE, WITH A BODY THAT COULD STOP A RUNAWAY TRAIN, ROSE FROM THE THIRD PEW. HER HEAD WAS BOWED AND HER VOICE QUIVERED AS SHE SPOKE, "REVEREND, THERE HAS BEEN A TERRIBLE MISUNDERSTANDING. I NEVER SAID YOU WERE A MEMBER OF THE KU KLUX KLAN.
I SIMPLY TOLD A COUPLE OF MY FRIENDS THAT YOU WERE A WIZARD UNDER THE SHEETS."
THE PREACHER FELL TO HIS KNEES, HIS WIFE FAINTED, AND THE CONGREGATION ROARED.
LIFE IS SHORT. SMILE WHILE YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TEETH.
 
Subject: Harley Rider

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, and severely banged my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up and the beautiful woman driver asked "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I will take you to my house so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, “but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!”

"Oh, come now, I am a nurse" she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty, and very persuasive and being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away, and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, unbuttoning her blouse. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything, and by the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess." I replied.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Latest posts

Back
Top