Official joke of the day thread

A man going thought a messy divorice meets a friend in a bar, and starts telling him of his troubles. The friend replys, " ALL lawyers are assholes". A guy sitting a couple of stools down replys, " hey, I resent that!!!". The first guy ask's are you a lawyer? To which the guy replys, "no, I'm an asshole".
 
An Irish View

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.



He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."



As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.


Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!


She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"


"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.


With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.


He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"



"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.


Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."


Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.


He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"


At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"


With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"
 
A guy escapes from prison after 15 years.
Finds a house and breaks in to steal some money.
he surprise a couple who's in bed.
Tie the guy on a chair in front of the bed and tie down the woman on the bed.
He start to kiss the woman around the neck and suddenly runs for the bathroom.

Meanwhile the guy tied to the chair tells his wife.
Honey dont resist him, he could get dangerous if you do.
I saw him kiss your neck, if he wants sex let him have it even if he disgust you, if you dont, he could kill us both.
Please let him have it and he'll go away.
Be strong!
Woman answer him,
he didn't kiss me.
He wispered in my ear that he was gay and asked if we had Vaseline!
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey!
 
Guts or Balls?

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
 
big2bird said:
Guts or Balls?

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
Click to expand...

I'll add-

BRASS- Walking thru Wal-Mart with your wife, picking up a new broom and telling her she needs a new car.
 
Washington college classroom, they were discussing the
qualifications to be President of the United States . It was pretty simple -
the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair
was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was
that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming
president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's
jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating,
'What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this countrythan one born by C-section?'

Yep, these are the 18 year olds that just voted for the President of the
United States ..
 
Horseback Riding Blonde

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when, to her great fortune....
Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say 'Hello'
 
Wal-Mart has everything!


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds20later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
 
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

"And by the way, "the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
 
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40


Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you will find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand, and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I am at this level.) Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.
 
A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food... On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Thirty-four," she replied..
 
A man and a penguin are walking down the street.
A cop stops them and says to the man, "You need to take that penguin to the zoo!"
The man thinks for a moment and then replies, "Yes, sir, you're right. I'll take him to the zoo right now."
The next day the cop sees the man and the penguin walking down the street again. He comes over and says, "You said you were going to take that penguin to the zoo yesterday!"
The man replies, "I did, sir! And today I'm taking him to a movie!"
 
Creation of the Jersey Shore

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven , God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the Archangel , found Him resting on the seventh day. He inquires of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh Of satisfaction and proudly pointed downward through the clouds. "Look, Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of the earth, "For example, Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Africa is going to be poor.
The Middle East over there will be a hot spot." God continued, pointing to different countries, "This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered with ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass with an ocean as it border and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God, "that's the Jersey Shore, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, rivers, lakes, and climate. The people from the Jersey Shore are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high achieving people, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then exclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!
Everyone and everything seems so totally perfect in this place you call the Jersey Shore "

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the assholes I'm sending down from New York every summer."
 
Letter to the Bank:

Dear Bank Staff:

Recently, one of my checks was returned marked "insufficient funds".

Does that refer to me or you?
 
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk..

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop.. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"


"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, "$20 or off it comes".

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"



"Well, you know, not everybody pays". .
 
Blonde and an old man

A young blonde and an old man walk into a Chevy dealer. The old man asks "how much for the convertable". The salesman tells him $42,000. Then he shakes his head. Asks the saleman "how much for the ZR-1?" The saleman tells him $145,000. The old man says "I'll take it and writes a check. The saleman tells him come back monday morning and it will be ready. When he shows up the salesman tells him his check wouldnt clear. Old man says, "Thats alright, I sure had a hell of a weekend anyway!":bounce:
 
Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off his helicopter in front of the
White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir"

The President replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says,

"Excellent trade, sir."
 
An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!" (which means: "Don't drink the water. The cows and pigs have shit in it!)"

The man shouts back: "I am a Muslim. I don't understand, nor do I care to understand, your gibberish. Speak English, stupid Infidel!"

The Amish man shouts back in English: "Use two hands, you'll get more!!"
 
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