Official joke of the day thread

[BBShark]

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed
instantly..

As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, b*gger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife'.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave
you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says..
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, "You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow."
Then I said, "I'll betcha a case of beer you are.."'

 

[mrvette]

Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

 

[BBShark]

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there. "No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."



"This is incredible," said the first man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?" The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."



"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"



The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

 

[BBShark]

Did you hear the one about …

… the Irishman who was so terribly overweight, his doctor put him on a diet?



'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.



The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.



When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!



'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'



The Irishman nodded....'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'



'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.



'No’ he answered, “from all the fuckin' skippin”

 

[big2bird]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days!


A customer walked into a store and asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"


The clerk asked, "Are you Polish?"


The guy, clearly offended, said, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something: if I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?”


The clerk said, "No, I probably wouldn't."


The guy demanded, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"


The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

 

[BBShark]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
"God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk

 

[BBShark]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,?"I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"?

"Good question ," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back
to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a
free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way.?"What about all these plaster purchases?
What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they
will send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

 

[mrvette]

FOX NEWS BOWS TO THE PRESSURE:

Fox is already cowering down to the President. In response to President Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will now air "America's Most Wanted" TWICE a week.

I don't care who you are, that's funny!


:nuts::hissyfit:

 

[mrvette]

A jewish pregnancy...
A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period
for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to
you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone
and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of
their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing
a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
life.

"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture
stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account."

"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a
$25,000,000 bank account."

"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do
you suggest?"

All silent at this point, the mother, placed a hand firmly on the man's
shoulder and tells him, "So, you'll try again:clap:

 

[BBShark]

 

[mrvette]

Yup, about 4 years ago.....:crylol:

 

[Twin_Turbo]

Those prices are what it was like here last year, replace $ with E and Gallon with Liter

 

[mrvette]

Those prices are what it was like here last year, replace $ with E and Gallon with Liter

YOU all get raped stupid about that shit....taxes up the ass, so % wise you don't notice the increases like we do....

last ~3.5 or so years gas has more than doubled....

:hissyfit:

 

[JPhil]

And so it came to pass.....

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
__________________

 

[mrvette]

Young Chuck, moved to Texas...
...and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for the government.

 

[mrvette]

How I became a pilot...

How I became a pilot...............

One of the questions from the career placement test given applicants for flight training and a military commission.

"Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of human body that is more useful when erect!"

Those who spell spine become doctors...the rest of us went to flight school...


:nuts:

 

[CTVETTE78]

A gift from God

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation
and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that
whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided
to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the
pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it
could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair
and spoke,

"Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady
struggled to stand,

and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when
we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen.

 

[mrvette]

Pick your battles.....

Sometimes you gotta pick your battles (joke)
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note.
"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co."
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co."
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads: "Dear Sir,
please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co." :hissyfit::nuts:

 

[mrvette]

A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.

"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replied the agent.

With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago."

Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago?"

The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle.":club:

 

[mrvette]

A man walked into a Wal-Mart and the Greeter said, "Automotive, aisle
15." The man asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?"

The Greeter replied, "That's my job."

Another man walked in and the Greeter said, "Sporting goods,
aisle 28."

The man asked, "How did you know I wanted fishing supplies?

The Greeter replied, "That's my job."

A woman walked in and the Greeter said, "Tampons, aisle 5."

The woman said, "No, I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine."

The Greeter said, "Damn, I missed it by an inch!"