Official joke of the day thread

Two old guys talking:
One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday.. Wife gave me an SUV"
Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
 
An engineer dies and goes to hell.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake – he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
 
A woman walks into an accountant's office and she tells him she needs to file her tax return for 2014.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, tax file number, etc. and then asks," What is your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let us try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised 650 cocks last year.”
 
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a
nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full,so they had to
put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. How
do you like it here?" asked the grandson."

It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for
you since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents,
"Abdullah said with a big smile.

"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in
20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!

There is a judge in here - he's 95 year old.. He hasn't been on the bench in
30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor.

There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years,
and everyone still calls him Doctor!

And me – I haven't had sex for 45 years, and they still call me the fu@king
Arab.
 
THE BLONDE WINS ONE

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2 x 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"

"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on,” she replied.
 
Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,
watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much
about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something..
But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so,
Bob really got worried. However, since the only time
they ever got together was at the park,
Bob didn't know where Larry lived,
so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry,
but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold --
there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?

Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Larry said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress
at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old,
I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.
 
THE NAVY WINE TASTER

At a wine merchant's warehouse in Halifax on Lower Water St., the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A retired Chief Petty Officer, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The Director wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass of wine to taste.

The old Chief tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."

"That's correct," said the boss. "Another glass, please."

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

"Absolutely correct. A third glass."

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the Chief.

The director was astonished and winked at his blond secretary to suggest something.
She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.

The old Navy Chief tried it and said. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
 
Terrorism High Alert Causing Me Problems
When I was at the checkout and ready to pay for my groceries the cashier said,
“Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this security rubbish,
I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out
that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.
I hate this getting older stuff.
 
The new Ford/Renault Joint Venture

With the Euro going down, Ford to acquire Renault


Ford has announced plans to acquire French auto maker Renault and engineering teams have already joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault “Clio” and the Ford “Taurus”, they have designed the “Cli-Taurus”.

It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real bitch to start in the morning!

Some have reported that on cold mornings, when you rerally need it, you can’t get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status.

Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it as needed.
 
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about.

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."



Don't you just love Lawyers?
 
EX AND GOOD GRAMMAR
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.' When you do, you will
become more manly than you have ever been in your life,
and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home,
showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine,
and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,
and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
 
An Engineer could not find a job, so he opens a clinic, and puts
a sign outside that says get treatment for $50, if not cured get back $100.

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to show up the
engineer and earn a quick $100. And so he visits the clinic.

Doctor: I have lost my sense of taste.

Engineer: Nurse , bring the medicine from box no 22 and place 3
drops in the patient's mouth.

Patient (Doctor): Spits out the medicine and says "This is not
medicine, it's Gasoline".

Engineer: Congrats.. you have your taste back ..that will be $50

Doctor gets annoyed, and returns after several days to recover
his money.

Doctor : I have lost my memory and can't remember a thing.

Engineer : Nurse , bring medicine from box no 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.

Doctor: "This medicine is for the sense of taste" protests the Doctor.

Engineer : congrats. your memory is back.. ..that will be $50

Doctor leaves, but after several days angrily returns for one last try.

Doctor : My eyesight has become weak.

Engineer : Well I don't have any medicine for that. Take this $100

Doctor : But this is $50 Note

Engineer : Congratulations, your eyesight has gotten better.
. . . that will be $50
 
Potatoes
Well,
A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,
And finally they got married, and had a little sweet
Potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts Of life.
They warned her about going out and getting
Half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed,
and Get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and
End up with a bunch of tater tots

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get Her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe , Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam
To watch out For the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French fries.

And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped... Yam said she would stay on the straight and
Narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all The trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home
And announced she was going to marry Brian Williams.

Brian Williams!

Mr. And Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't
Possibly marry Brian Williams because he's just.......

Are you ready for this?

Are You sure?

OK!

Here it is!
*
*
*
*
A COMMONTATER

(and here you thought I was going to say something about Williams current problems) LOL
 
Osama Bin Laden was living with 4 wives in one compound and never left the house for 5 years.

It is now believed he called the US Navy Seals himself.
 
Two police officers call into the station on their radio.

"Hello, is this the Sergeant" ?

"Yes, it is" !

"We have a case here, Sergeant, A woman just shot
her husband for stepping on the floor that she had
just mopped clean."

"Have you arrested the woman"?

"No sir. The floor is still wet."
 
A CONFUSED boyfriend was faced with a tricky choice after both his ex and current girlfriend threw themselves into a river to see who he would rescue.
Wu Hsia, 21, had broken up with long-term girlfriend Jun Tang, 20, after meeting new love Rong Tsao, 22, in Ningbo city in east China’s Zhejiang province.
But over the following three months, jilted Jun kept hassling him to get back with her and pressuring Rong to leave him.
Eventually, Wu decided to arrange a meeting between the three of them at a nearby park next to a river.
“I was sick of being nagged from both sides,” he said.
“Rong was moaning about Jun and Jun was moaning about her and it all go too much.
“I became confused about who I wanted so I thought it would be best if we all met and talked about it.”
But when they got to the river, the situation went from bad to worse.

​“The girls began arguing and then Jun flipped and jumped off the bridge and straight into the water.
“She was calling for help but then Rong also leapt over saying it was her or my ex.
“I was completely dumbfounded about what was going on.
“But then I realised that I had to do something so I also jumped in but to save Rong.”
After dragging the soaking wet girl ashore, Wu phoned his brother to rescue the floundering ex before taking Rong home.
Meanwhile Wu’s brother called the fire brigade who arrived at the scene and helped Jun out of the water.
“She was taken to hospital but was released soon after without any major injuries,” a hospital spokesman said.
“I was put in a difficult situation and had to make a choice between right and wrong,” Wu admitted.
“And I chose Rong.”
 
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note
for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.


When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought
she probably meant 2.5 gallons.


So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.


The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.


Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"


The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take
a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."


The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"


Wait for it............



The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"
 
THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over three years.

Upon her return, her father yelled at her,
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us?
Not even a line. Why didn't ye call?

Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff....
"Dad.....I was too embarrassed,
I became a prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless hussy! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so ye are."

"OK, Daddy...as ye wish...I just came back to give Mammy
this luxurious fur coat, title deeds to an eight bedroom mansion
plus a €5 million cheque.

For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex.

And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible
that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club.

She takes a breath and continues,
"and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve
on board my new yacht in the Caribbean."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad

Girl crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl!
I thought ye said a PROTESTANT.
Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."
 
From "RACINJUNK"

Too funny not to share:
For Sale: Driver (and preferably Wrench) sought for
CA,
Ad #182402426 Posted:2015-03-20 21:45:39
This ad expires in 51 days.
We need a quality driver to round out our team. Driving
reasonably fast, having your own safety gear, and paying
your share of expenses are the real requirements to join
us. Preference will be given to someone who can turn a
wrench and/or lives near Santa Barbara.

About Us:
We’ve raced our ‘92 525i, The Goleta Valley Lemon Festival
Special, 10 times or so. It’s a fast car and will be going
faster soon. When we don’t blow up, which hasn’t
happened the last few races, we’re a top 10 team. We
want to win some damn races and be a Top 5 team
regularly.

We need a 4th as our youngest and fastest driver got a
sudden case of the smarts. It seems he thinks saving
money to buy a home and travel to exotic places is better
than racing. (Youth! What can you do?) He’s a young
professional so it’s hard to hold this against him.

We Are:
Dave -- a brilliant fabricator and welding shop owner. He
built the roll cage. And, the muffler too! He started the
team a dozen races ago. A fiercely competitive guy, but
also one that can down a beer, tell a good joke, chill with
the boys, and drive well.

Matt -- now our fastest driver for sure. He’s a gearhead.
He cut his teeth racing karts for a long time and brings
that knowledge and precision to every lap. He’s strong with
a wrench too. He does the least damage to the body and
can drive an incredibly long stint. Which is good because
he’s fast…

Jim -- me. A reasonably good driver, I show improvement
with every stint. I can’t turn a wrench. I live out of town.
But I can write a wickedly funny, acerbic, probably too
long, but hopefully effective for sale or driver wanted ads.
I don’t seem to have the bladder to drive incredibly long
stints. Sigh. I do have a willingness to drive 200 miles
round trip during a race weekend to get that clutch plate,
bushing, tire valve cap, or other parts we need.

Terry -- the best wrench on the circuit. For some reason
this dude doesn’t want to drive. (Sensibility runs in the
family -- he’s the father of the aforementioned young
professional.) But give him the opportunity to take
something apart and rebuild it faster and you’ll seem him
light up. An absolutely brilliant mechanic without whom,
we’d be last and lost. If it’s mendable, he can fix it.

Our Philosophy:
We drive hard. We have fun. We want to win.
Typically we insure everyone gets at least one stint per
weekend. You race as long as you can hold out -- till the
fuel bladder is empty or your’s is full. Fewer stops means
more laps means a better chance to win.

When we have 4 drivers, we parcel out the extra seat time
amicably. Over the course of a few races everybody gets
the same amount of drive time. We take turns being the
driver at the end of the race -- bringin’ it home through
the crowd is a helluva lot of fun. Everybody gets their turn
at that.

You:
You just need to make an effort to have fun and fit in. And,
that’ll be easy.

Write me at IWannaRace ‘funny little circled ‘a’”
VagabondJim point Com We’ll arrange for you to meet the
boys and see if you want to win with us.

Seller Phone Number: This user has not entered a phone
number yet.
Send message to seller below.
This item is USED
Trades NOT ACCEPTED
:nuts::nuts::nuts:
 
Florida

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”

The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my earrings.”

Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .”

When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ‘cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”

Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”

The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”

The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”

The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”

The driver replied, “Bout whut?”

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.”

“Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”

Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘about the South, but y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ an’ movin’ North.:hunter:
 
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