Official joke of the day thread

And she gets the last word




An old man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there as a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!".
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone's relief he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at his funeral. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?".

The wife said "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions."
 
My first day at Walmart as a greeter...
My one day of employment after retiring

After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day…..
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart."
I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be ****ing stupid. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam..I just couldn't believe someone fu@ked you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart."
My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
 
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
 
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.



As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see that her husband was nowhere around. She became quite upset because they had a lot to do.

She was so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."


He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."


Flowers and get well cards can be sent to room 247 at General Hospital!
 
The Afgan quarterback.....

The Afghan Quarterback
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
 
"Dear Santa, This year all I ask for is a big fat bank account and a slim body. Please don't mix them up like you did last year."

:censored::hissyfit:
 
I get a kick out of reading Craigslist sometimes, one title I saw. Lost my job, everything must go, $25.00. Hmmm......
 
Santa letter gone bad

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the

reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I

would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for

Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

* *



Dear Timmy,

Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all

fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the

time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to

get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you

something you can go outside and play with.*

Merry Christmas,*

Santa Claus***

* *

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract,

set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to

granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this

joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at

my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit

trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

* *



Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria,

need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it

a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,

well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been

on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be

more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I

alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social

skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the

bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

* *



Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was

attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends

into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys

and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console,

my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

* *



Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on

one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees

you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar,

genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your

shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people

that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll

all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you

asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in

you're ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

* *



Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

* *



Timmy,

That's what I thought you little bastard.

Santa
 
An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they're getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You're not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."
 
The lie detecting robot
A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps a person when he lies.

The father decides to test it out on his son at supper....

"Where were you last night?"

"I was at the library." The robot slaps the son.

"Okay, I was at a friend's house."
"Doing what?" asks the father." Watching a movie, 'Toy Story.'"

The robot slaps the son.
"Okay, it was porn!" cries the son.

The father yells, "What? When I was your age, I didn't know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother.
 
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1VuMdLm0ccU[/ame]


Well worth the click, knock you outta your chair......:twitch:
 
World-wide Telephone Survey...


Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

A single question was asked:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions for the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a total failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.


2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8. In Canada, they all hung up as soon as they heard the East Indian accent.
 
Sex After Surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
"How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
"Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
 
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A married couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out some problems.

The counselor sits them down and says "Let's start by talking about what you
both have in common."

The husband says, "Well for starters, neither one of us will suck a d!ck."
 
Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.



Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming...



One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes.



There is a woman out there floating in our direction."



The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."



But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.



The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time... So... do you think we should... well... you know... Screw her?"


"Out of WHAT??" asked the other lawyer.
 
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big,
old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two
boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree,
out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,'
said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his
bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices
from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike
and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with
a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe
what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery
dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard
for me to walk.'

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled
slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you,
one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin'
me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence,
yet were still unable to see anything. The old man
and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence
tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the
kid on the bike passed him.
 
UK Weather


The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal
Commission for Political Correctness announced today that
the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as
'English Weather'
Rather than offend a sizable portion of the
UK population, it will now be referred to as:

'Muslim Weather'

( Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite )
:lol:
 
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