Official joke of the day thread

Hey Jim, did you finally retire?? Now that I have retired, I have been diagnosed with:
Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first...

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my
e-mail... and VetteMod

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who I've shared it with.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

Bullshark
 
What happens if you fart in a smart car???
 

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Seems a teacher was asking her Sunday school class "who here knows what the resurrection is?"

A seven year old boy raises his hand.

She says, "OK, Bradley, what does resurrection mean?"

Bradley replies, "I'm not sure what resurrection means but I do know if it lasts for more than four hours, you are supposed to seek emergency care immediately."
 
Fantastic News from the DHSS (Department of Health and Social Security)


LATEST NEWS

نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما


If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.:rolleyes:
 
Phone call from an old girl

Phone call from an old girl

The Old Flame

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning
called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to
enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up
and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really
have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am
developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she
was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to fuck off. :quote:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: Gun Control. It already has started at Cabela's
There was a bit of confusion at the Cabela's Sporting Goods store this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!:cussing:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.


Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's an optician.":tomato:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Smith for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist
two years before.

"Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?"

The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on
the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph
when it smacked me right in the testicles."

The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have to
do with your dentures?"

"It was the first time my teeth didn't hurt....." :amazed:
 
Clever....
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down..

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period...

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!
 
A couple of laughs




Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?" "No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
 
This is the best I've heard in a while:


A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
 
One day my wife, told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit drinking.
Then I caught her spending $65 on make-up.

I asked her,"How come I have to give up stuff and you don't?"

She said "The make-up is to make me pretty for you."

I told her "That's what the beer is for."


I don't think she's coming back.
:rofl:
 
Cookies and Milk
A grandfather was sitting oh the front porch with his grandson, and the old man told the boy. "Run into the house and get me a beer from the fridge". The kid ran in got beer, brought it to his grandfather and asked "Grandpa, can I have a sip?"

The old man look at him and said "boy, can your wiener reach your asshole?" The boy laughed and said "no" and the grandfather replied "Then you can't have any"

A few minutes later the grandfather said "boy, run in the house and fetch my smokes". The boy did as he was told and when he returned he asked "Grandpa, can I try one?" Again the Grandfather asked "boy, can your wiener reach your asshole?" The grandson replied "no", so his grandfather said he could not try one.

About a half hour later the grandmother called her grandson to the kitchen handed him a small plate of cookies and a glass of milk and said "here dearie, I made these just for you"

The boy went back to the porch and his grandfather asked "whatcha got there?" The grandson said "cookies grandma made for me". The old man said "let me have one of those cookies, boy". The boy looked at his grandfather and asked "Grandpa, can your wiener reach your asshole?" The old man said yes, so the boy responded "Then go f**k yourself, these are my damn cookies"
 
SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story:

In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2`

When a lady is pregnant,

all her friends touch the stomach

and say, "Congrats."

But, none of them touch the man's penis

and say, "Good job."

Moral of the story:

Hard work is never appreciated.


FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness,

but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette

than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy,

but remember the asshole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble,

they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive

only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems,

but then neither does milk.


Bonus:

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.



Just some thoughts to share...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,

'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Single Black Female

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to
have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

Love the response this ad got!!

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me....

Call (404) 875-6420 (404) 875-6420 and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting.....

page down











Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.
 
A Muslim friend was saying he had the entire Koran on DVD.

Being interested, and not religion intolerant, I asked him to burn me a copy.










Well, well….. talk about getting all defensive, snooty & upset!:evil:
 
Making De Love. The Italian says:. 'When I've a Finisheda makina da Love with my girlfriend
I go down and Gently Tickle the back of her knees,. She Floatsa six inches above a da Bed
in Ecstasy '. The Frenchman replies:. 'Zat. is nothing, when Ah 'Ave Finished making Ze Love
with Ze girlfriend,. Ah Kiss all Ze Way down her body and Zen Ah Lick zer soles of her Feet
Wiz Mah Tongue and. She Floats the 12th inches above Ze Bed in Pure Ecstasy '.
The Aussie. says:. 'Mate, that's nothing. I've Finished Shaggin when my Missus,
I get out of Bed,. Walk over to the Window and Wipe my d. ! CK on the curtains.
And MATE!! She Hits the F *! king Roof.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Impossibilities IN THE WORLD.
the 1st) You can not Count your hair.
two) You can not Wash your eyes with soap.
three) You can not breathe when your Tongue is out.
Tongue Put your back in your Mouth, You silly person. .

Ten (10) Things I know about you.
One) You are reading this.
the 2nd) You are human.
3) You can not say the letter'' P'' without separating your lips.
four) You just Attempted to do it.
sixth) You are laughing at yourself.
7th. ) You have a Smile on your face and You skipped No. the fifth.
eight) You just checked to See if there is a No. five.
9) You laugh at this because You are a fun loving person & everyone does.
it too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pun definitely intended---SOME PRETTY GOOD ONES!!

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period...

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection. urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

`~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
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