Official joke of the day thread

Three Scousers and three Mancunians are travelling by train to a football match in London . At the station, the three Mancunians each buy a ticket and watch as the three Scousers buy just one ticket between them. 'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the Mancunians. 'Watch and learn,' answers one of the Scousers.

They then board the train. The Mancunians take their respective seats but all three Scousers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed the conductor arrives to collect the tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket please.' The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Mancunians are mightily impressed by this, so they decide to copy the Scousers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip... To their astonishment, the Scousers don't buy any ticket at all !! 'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asks one perplexed Mancunians.

'Watch and learn,' answers one of the Scousers. When they board the train the three Scousers cram into a toilet and soon after the three Mancunians pile into another nearby.

Shortly after the train departs one of the Scousers leaves the toilet and sneaks across to the toilet where the Mancunians are hiding. The Scouser knocks on the door and says, 'Ticket please...'
 
Guy in Fla. was walking back to his car and saw a bumper sticker that read "I miss Detroit". He broke the car's window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left a note saying "I hope this helps".


:hunter::club::clobbered:
 
At dawn the telephone rings,

"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Bob."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Bob."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!!
 
MEDICAL SCHOOL EXAM


When I was young my intent was to go to medical school, but I was
confused by the entrance exam.



The deciding question was, "Re-arrange the letters P N E S I to spell
out an important part of the human body that is more useful when
erect."



Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. The rest are in Congress.
 
548236_10151277515523132_469913430_n.jpg
 
CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement..

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS also didn't SAY. . ........

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood !"
 
Why am I Divorced?

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
he barely said good morning,
let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...... well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts
and didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my handsome Boss Rick, said,
'Good Morning, lady,
and by the way
Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Rick knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me....'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Rick said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day...
we don't need to go straight back to the office,
do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house,
Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
he came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ....
followed by my husband
my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch......

Naked.:lol:
 
You don't have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.


A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solutution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.


With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.


Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.


"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang."





Have a wonderful day!
 
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
 
A jet is making its final approach to St. John's Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into St. John's Newfoundland. I want to thank you all for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the "ROCK".


He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.


The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Rock?' 'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap, then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'


Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.


Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.


The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.....He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first.
 
Sorry I don't have a horse in this race, I am only the messenger on my trusty steed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.

So they have found a horse burger in Tesco, what's next, my Lidl pony?

Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.

A waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger, so I had £5 each way!

Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the pony that she's always wanted!

Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night….I still have a bit between my teeth.

Unused HMV vouchers are now being accepted at Tesco, just tell them HMV means 'Horse Meat Voucher'

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of uniquorn!

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer…AND THEY'RE OFF"

I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse….. I guess Tesco just listened.

Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?' Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horses d'oeuvres.

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead.. NO! NO! NO! NO!

Said to the Mrs these Tesco burgers are giving me the trots

To beef or not to beef, that is the equestrian
 
Subject: Sex after Death




A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact....

" Marion .... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, Bob, are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina."
 
Why a man should always let the woman talk first


When a high powered career woman is asked on a romantic date by her boyfriend, she decides to end their relationship there and then. Not content to let her man down gently, she goes in all guns blazing, prepared even to vent her spleen, but is she really prepared for the outcome?

Lucky Escape is a four-minute short.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=E3pjq0WAupc
 
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office trailed by 15 kids.

"Wow!!!" The social worker exclaims, "Are they all yours!?!"

"Yep, they are all mine", the flustered momma sighs deeply, having been asked that question a thousand times before. She turns towards the kids and says "Sit down Terry", and all the kids rush to find seats.

"Well" says the social worker, "Then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

The mother replies "Well to keep it simple, the boys are all named Terry and the girls are all named Terri".

In disbelief, the case worker says, "Are you serious? They are all named Terry?"

Their momma replied, "Well yes. It makes it much easier for me. When it's time to get them out of bed for school I yell, 'TERRY!!!' and when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'TERRY!!!' and they all come a running. If I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'TERRY!!!' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, calling them all Terry".

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want one kid to come and not the whole bunch?"

The mother quickly replies, "Oh that's easy! I just call them by their last names!!!"
 
An old guy named LeRoy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets
sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check yourprostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,
'99'.
The old guy Obeys and says,

"99".

The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,

'99".

Again, the old guy says,

'99'."
The doctor said, Very good.

Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penisB to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say,

'99'.

Old LeRoy begins,

"One...

two&

three&"
 
Ol' Naval Aviator
A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver, flying off carriers back in 'Nam', but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officer's Club happy hours, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.

The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.

What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Center Line", excused himself and headed for the john.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours; but, do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?", the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
 
"Hell, I wrote it!" good one Gene...lol


Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful
with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be
her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me"
and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the
guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach
her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had
joined a parachute club.
She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and you 're
going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that
I even got a membership card. She said to me, "Good grief, where are
your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a
Parachute Club."

"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up
for five jumps a week." I told her. She fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it
can be fun.
 
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