Official joke of the day thread

They came up with a new drink .....

called the Hurrycaine SANDY.....
























it's a watered down Manhattan..........:mobeer::mobeer::harhar:
 
Little Johnnies father took him to class his first day of school. Johnnies dad pulled the teacher aside and told her, Johnnie has a bad gambling problem so don't make a bet with him you can't win. The teacher agreed. When the teacher was passing out the text books Johnny said, teach I'll make a bet with you,she replied ok what? Johnny said I'll bet you fifty dollars I can tell you what color panties you have on. she agreed and told him after the last bell he was to stay in the room and then he could guess. while Johnny and the class were at recess the teacher took her panties off and put them in her purse. when school was out Johnny stayed in the classroom and the teacher locked the door and said okay Johnny what color are they? He replied yellow. so the teacher raised her dress and said no your wrong, I'm not wearing any. Johnny asked her to walk him out to his dads car and he would get her money. so as Johnny passed his dad going to the car the teacher told his dad that Johnny finally got beat. He said what do you mean she said Johnny bet me fifty dollars he could tell me what color panties I had on so I took them off. The father replied that son of a bitch he bet me a hundred dollars he could see your puzzy before the end of the day.
:smash::rofl:
 
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100

years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street

light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny

car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'



The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO.

It cost half a million dollars!'



'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.

'Why does it cost so much?'



'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!'

states the doctor proudly.



The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'



'No problem,' replies the doctor.



So the old man pokes his head in the window

and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man

says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll

stick with my Moped!'



Just then the light changes,

so the doctor decides to show

the old man just what his car can do.

He floors it, and within 30 seconds

the speedometer reads 160 mph.



Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.

It seems to be getting closer!



He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster!



'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.



He presses harder on the accelerator

and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.



Then, up ahead of him,

he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!



Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari,

he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at

275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he

looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining

on him AGAIN!



Astounded by the speed of this old guy,

he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all

the way up to 320 mph.



Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing

down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!



Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his

Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.



The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably

the old man is still alive.



He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor....

Is there anything I can do for you?'



The old man whispers,

'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'
 
Irish Birth Control

Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Streetin Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...' and they then parted ways..

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me , have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.
 
mrvette said:
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100

years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street

light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny

car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'



The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO.

It cost half a million dollars!'



'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.

'Why does it cost so much?'



'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!'

states the doctor proudly.



The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'



'No problem,' replies the doctor.



So the old man pokes his head in the window

and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man

says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll

stick with my Moped!'



Just then the light changes,

so the doctor decides to show

the old man just what his car can do.

He floors it, and within 30 seconds

the speedometer reads 160 mph.



Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.

It seems to be getting closer!



He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster!



'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.



He presses harder on the accelerator

and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.



Then, up ahead of him,

he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!



Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari,

he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at

275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he

looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining

on him AGAIN!



Astounded by the speed of this old guy,

he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all

the way up to 320 mph.



Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing

down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!



Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his

Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.



The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably

the old man is still alive.



He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor....

Is there anything I can do for you?'



The old man whispers,

'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'
Click to expand...

great old joke - I've heard versions of that with a tricycle, bicycle and roller skates... although the twist on the roller skates was a girl and a bra - same results, however :)
 
Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your
spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past
15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put
in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound
interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari then?
 
A cabbie picks up a Nun, She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds: 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
No.1, you have to be single and
No.2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'Why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.
 
This could explain the stock market as well.
INDIAN WINTER
It's late Fall, and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.

He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.'
 
guy asked a girl in the university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied with a loud voice, "I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT
WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said,
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. You felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ear:
"I study law, and I know how to screw people.:smash::smash::smash:
 
A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the
accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.

'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet
truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder.

By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible
pain just by her groans. Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a
motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her.

After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da fock would you say?'
 
I no longer have a problem.......

with Road Rage............
























but I do have a problem with.....














recoil......:gurney:
 

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Just Me & Leroy


A guy stopped at a local gas station, and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole,the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.

The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this", said the man, tossed the can into a trash container and headed down the road toward the men. "Hold it", he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer, and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back.

Elmer's job's been cut ... so now it's just me an' Leroy
 
I used to know a girl

who was like a Chinese phone book

Lot's of Chins




I used to know a girl

who liked me to come in her ear

Every time I tried to put it in her mouth

she'd turn her head
 
Retiree's Last Trip To Safeway

Yesterday I was at my local grocery buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time. And I'd lost 50 pounds before I woke up in the intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially the Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again, and my hair is nice and shiney too.

(Now, I have to add here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard - he pissed his pants!

Safeway won't let me shop there anymore and they made me clean up the pee.

Moral: Watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy shit to say. :smash:
 
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