Official joke of the day thread

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters". The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred
Isis "S.O.B.s". Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought .... Then silence.




Eventually one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men... it's a trap. There's two of them.
 
An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West
African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the
Black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and
On the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the
Penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower,
His wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African
String-and-Weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string
And a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little
Tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black.
 
One day, Bruce 's mom came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career.

The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of San Francisco, relocating to LA.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.

She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died. The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Bruce, working as janitor on the floor, had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner!

Don't tell me you thought Bruce became a heart-surgeon?
 
I know this has been around but still a good one..

Here's your English Lesson for the day!
"Complete" or "Finished"?

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: "Some say there is no difference between 'complete' and 'finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand."

Mr. Balgobin's response: "When you marry the right woman, you are 'complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'finished.' And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished.'"

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
 
Men just don't listen....
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

See - Men just don't listen....
 
Japanese Hotel Service

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan ..

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called
down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down
the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your
purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted
15.00 Yen, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the
machine started to buzz and whirl.

Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed
his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures, 20.00 Yen'.

'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands
into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen
seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly
manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read,
'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 1 Yen.'

The salesman looked both ways, put one Yen in the machine, unzipped
his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the
opening.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony
and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender
unit, which now had a button sewn neatly on the end. |
 
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the prairies without water.

His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie,

'You know how I work. You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy,

'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

'OK! I wish I were along side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich ...

beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.

Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says,

'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***


He was turned into a Tampon.

Moral of The Story:

If the Government Offers To Help You, You Can Bet There's Going To Be A String Attached!
 
Bob and the Blonde
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
 
Billy Bob is walking on the farm with his friend. He points in a field. "Lookie yonder, Zeke, that's the spot where I had sex for the first time."

Zeke asks "How was it?"

"It was good until I looked up and saw her mamma watching us."

"No shit! What did she say?"

"Baaaaa"
 
• Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.


• Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.


• The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.


• An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.


• Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.


• Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"


• Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."


• Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."


• Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.


• Finbar: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finbar: Waitin' for me to come home .


• Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."


• "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"


• Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?


• My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
 
A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down
slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One
day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.


He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the
sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked
closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.


He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for
myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."


He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk
so happy, and going on with his life."


He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no
arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of
his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked
him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm
if the guy could go on with no arms.


The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.


He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"



He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."

Heart-warming stories like this just bring a tear to my eyes..
 
A man received the following text from his neighbor:


"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, I have probably been getting more than you. I do not get it at home -- but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again.


Bob, anguished and betrayed, went directly into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife dead.


A few moments later, a second text came in, "Damn Auto spell!! Sorry Bob, the second sentence should refer to your WiFi, not wife."
 
I went to a club last night to do some dancing...

They played The Twist and I twisted
They played Jump and I jumped
They played Come on Eileen...I got kicked out for that one.
 
I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.


One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired."
His buddy says: "Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.
​She's after me 3 and 4 times a day,​I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age (70+), sitting a couple of stools down,also overheard the conversation.


He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit real quick.
 
Hilarious Southwest Airline Safety Presentation (Open Captions)
Southwest continues to provide some entertainment,
as well as cheap fares !
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxNrizGdhtY[/ame]
 
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