Official joke of the day thread

I like Southworst Airlines. If I have to change a return reservation, they don't charge $200 like United does....it's usually no cost unless the particular flight segment is more expensive.

For most of my life, I really enjoyed an airline trip. Now I don't. Domestic economy air travel is awful and domestic "first" class is not really that much different.
 
AYGO Crazy
Little roller skate cars can have the last laugh sometimes.

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3RfwVyz50Q[/ame]
 
A Russian and a Polish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic
Gold medal.

Before the final match, the Polish wrestler's trainer came to him and said,
"Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's
Never lost a match
Because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.. Whatever you do, do not let him
Get you in that hold!
If he does, you're finished."
The Polish wrestler nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Polish and the Russian circled each other
Several times,
Looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,
Grabbing the
Polish wrestler and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh
Of disappointment
Arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for
He knew all
Was lost . . . He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd
And the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go
Flying up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and the Polish collapsed on top of him,
Making
The pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked,
"How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it
Before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in
That 'pretzel' hold
But at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles
Right
In front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of
Strength,
I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

The trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off?"
"Not really . . . You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your
Own nuts."
 
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question forced its way out . . . she simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked,"Will I be acquitted?"
For some reason wives seem to like this joke!
 
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds..
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car..

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

We can't drive.'

Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a Used car here
we'd get screwed ......so we're just waiting.
 
The media really hyped up the storm in our area. The Sheriff's office is having fun with it.

Quote:
Oconee County Georgia Sheriff's Office

There are no reported road closures in Oconee County. If you want us to close a road so you don't have to go to work, make us an offer. Other than that, you are on your own

Oconee County Georgia Sheriff's Office

As part of your winter storm preparations, please lock up all your skillets, kitchen knives, rolling pins and scissors. You may be forced to actually talk to some of your family members if your power goes out. You may be tempted to whack 'em or stab 'em if they aggravate you. Please don't do that, this stuff will melt and you will still be in jail. Winter storm preparations go beyond milk and bread. Consider staying out of jail too!!!
 
A friend told me the other day that he was going to get a vasectomy . I asked him was he worried about cancer and he said no. He said he has 9 kids and in America, the statistic are 1 out 10 children born in America will be Latino .

He said that would be terrible, neither he nor his wife can speak Spanish.
 
A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated
Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So
she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.
Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest
and chant, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'
She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement
she grew to a terrific D-cup!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic
realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might
lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood
right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said,
'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ' Are you a patient of Dr.Bumbutu?

'Yes I am.. How did you know?'

He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock'...
 
A Blonde Woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
a was pulled over by a woman police officer who as it happens was also
blonde.

The Blonde cop asked to see the blonde drivers license. The blonde
driver dug through her handbag and was getting progressively agitated
not being able to find it.

" What does it look like?" she finally asked, the Police woman replied.
" it's square and it has your picture on it."

The the woman found a square mirror in her hand bag, looked at it and
handed it to the police woman. "here it is," she said.

The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying "
Ok you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop......"
 
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red dot
on their
foreheads.

Most of us have
naively thought this was connected with tradition or
religion, but the Indian
embassy in Washington has recently revealed the true
story.

When a
Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the
union.

On her
wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see
whether he has won

a convenience store, a gas station, a
donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States

If nothing is
there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and
provide us with
Internet Customer Service and technical
advice.
 
A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him, but drop it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare rod with a Zebco 404 reel with 10-lb test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00." She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it."

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up, and accidently farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The clerk rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."
 
The Last Kiss

Back on June 9th, a group of North Dakota bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

Chuck, their leader, a big burly man of 70ish, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', Chuck also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole Chucky here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, Chuck gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"


"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
 
Fifty shades of..........golf?
The annual golf trip......

Four guys have been going to the same Golfing trip to St. Andrews for many years....Two days before the group is to leave, Jim's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Jim's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later, the three get to St. Andrews only to find Jim sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jim, how long have you been here, and how did you talk to your missus into letting you go?"

Well I have been here since last night....Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, "Guess who?" I pulled her hands off and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey.

On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, here I am!!!!!
 
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a Washington State University chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
 
A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter — yelling and using foul language.

However, the agent was polite, pleasant and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her.

When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the agent, "Does that happen often? I can't believe how nice you were to him."

The agent smiled and said, "No problem, I took care of it. He's going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok."
 
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famously erudite (comic) scientist who once said:
"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."


His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems.




1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite:

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
 
On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.

In his highly aroused state,
her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.



Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the
Bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut!

Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!
 
High School Reunion


Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion, after meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he
is yawning and overly bored.


The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.



Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."



"Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
 
Ear Infection

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...


Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose
 
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