Official joke of the day thread

Florida

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I've never before heard – I'll let you go.."

The old gentleman paused then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'"

Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.:hunter:
 
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered from a real word. Some are terrifically innovative:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people, that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action

13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out .

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
​
 
Guts or Balls

There is a medical distinction between "Guts" and "Balls".
We've heard colleagues referring to people with "Guts", or with "Balls".
Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom,
and having the "Guts" to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the "Balls" to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.
 
Oo or oO ?
Difference between Oo and oO



Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.



The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court next Monday."



On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"



"Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."



"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "



"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."



"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do, son?"



"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."



"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"



"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, "This is your asshole BEFORE prison.........."
 
The Talking Clock
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

offivegong.jpeg


'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'
 
Thought this was pretty cute.

Grandma's natural remedies:
Yes, our grandmothers had their own natural remedies. Here one grandma passes on her knowledge to her
grandchild from her own personal experiences:

"To improve my digestion I drink beer, for loss of appetite I drink white wine, for low blood pressure I drink red wine,
and if I have a cold I drink whisky."

"And when do you drink water?"

"I never had such a serious illness!"
 
> TWO CATHOLIC PARROTS...
>
> A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
> I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing.'
>
> 'What do they say?' the priest asked.
>
> They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
>
> 'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment……
> 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.
> I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
> Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
> My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'
>
> 'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
>
> The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house....
> As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...
>
> Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them…
> After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:
> Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
>
> There was stunned silence...
> Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said...
>
> 'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered !!!
>
 
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.


Robot for sale
 
A young woman joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. She went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take her first jump from an airplane. The next day, she called home to tell her mother the news.

"So, did you jump?" asked the mother.

"Well, let me tell you what happened," the girl said. "We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen people got up and just walked out of the plane."

"Is that when you jumped?" asked her mother.

"Uh, no. The sergeant then started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

''Did you jump then?" asked her mother.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last one left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?''

"No. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go."

Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, "Are you gonna jump or not?''

I said, "No sir, I'm too scared."

"So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took out his you-know-what. I swear, Mom, it was about ten inches long and big around as a baseball bat!"

He said, "Either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked her mother.

"Well, a little, at first."
 
A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."



I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."



One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."



A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?" The mom said, "We were baking a cake." A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake?" She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I was just licked the frosting off the couch."



There was an old couple laying in bed. The man turns and tells the woman, "If you want to have sex, pull on my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my dick one hundred times."
 
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
 
the above joke was my favorite lawyer joke... I have a new favorite

And, if you think lawyers don't have heart, read the best lawyer story of all time... bar none.

The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.



So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.



The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is
over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to
your community?.

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying
after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a
wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving
her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning
disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
 
A police officer responding to a domestic disturbance calls the dispatcher on his radio:

"We have a bad situation here sir. A woman has shot her husband 6 times for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."

The dispatcher responds:

"Have you taken the woman into custody yet?"

"No sir," the officer responds. "The floor is still wet."
 
Letter to My Animals:

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food, Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not mean it becomes your food and dish, not do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm and disrespect.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or stick your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is: kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog or cat's butt, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit And Always Complain About Our Pets
1. They live here, you don't.
2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture!)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
 
Paddy was a youthful and hardworking Irishman at a Coastal village in Ireland.
Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.
Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.
One day he failed to come home, so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing.
They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard.
Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper' said.........................................
Wait for it!
Wait for it!




















OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!
 
A friend who just returned from a visit to a CVS in Baltimore said all that was left was suntan lotion and Father's Day cards.:evil:
 
50 Shades of Grey for Seniors
Back and forth . . ...
Back and forth . . ..
In and out . . . .
In and out .. . . .
A little to the right ..
A little to the left . . .. .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . .
And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end.

He was in ecstasy . . . .
with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . .
Forwards then backwards. . . .
Forward then backward. . . .
Again . . . .
and again . . . .
; Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . .
softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . ..
Finally . . . .
totally exhausted . . . .
she let out a piercing scream . . . .
"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"
 
Life's Demerit System
All men who have been married will attest to some real wisdom in this email...

...In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!



Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:




SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer. (-5)



PROTECTIVE DUTIES
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It's her pet Schnauzer. (-30)



SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-20)
Tina has breast implants. (-40)



HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)
And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)



A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)



YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say to her, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)



THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
(Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
You give any other response. (-40)



COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)
 
Mars Bar Method

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "Quickie" with their 8-year old son in the flat
was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;

'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove past'

'Looks like the Anderson's have visitors,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skateboard!

After a few moments he announced,

'The Coopers are having a shag!

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.
 
It's Yogi Berra's 90th birthday on Tuesday. In his honor here of some of Yogi's most famous Yogisms.


As a general comment on baseball: "90% of the game is half-mental."

On why he no longer went to Ruggeri's, a St. Louis restaurant: "Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded."

"It ain't over till it's over." In July 1973, Berra's Mets trailed the Chicago Cubs by 9½ games in the National League East. The Mets rallied to win the division title on the final day of the season.

When giving directions to Joe Garagiola to his New Jersey home, which was accessible by two routes: "When you come to a fork in the road, take it."

On being the guest of honor at an awards banquet: "Thank you for making this day necessary."

"It's déjà vu all over again". Berra explained that this quote originated when he witnessed Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris repeatedly hit back-to-back home runs in the Yankees' seasons in the early 1960s.

"You can observe a lot by watching."

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours."

"I usually take a two hour nap from one to four"

"I didn't really say everything I said"

"We made too many wrong mistakes"

"The future ain't what it used to be"

"It gets late early out here"

"If the people don't want to come out to the ballpark,
nobody's going to stop them"

"Pair up in threes"

"Why buy good luggage, you only use it when you travel"

His stock answer to a writer's cruel nickname, "The Ape": "It doesn't matter if you're ugly in this racket. All you have to do is hit the ball, and I never saw anyone hit with his face."
 
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