Official joke of the day thread

Subject: MARITAL ADVICE


Dear Abby,
I've been married to my husband since college, but he is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job fourteen years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless


Dear Clueless:
For crying out loud, grow up and dump him. Good grief woman, think about it. You're running for President of the United States. You don't need him anymore
 
Now Here's A Realistic Gal
​ Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

* Phyllis Diller


Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

* Phyllis Diller


Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

* Phyllis Diller


A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

* Phyllis Diller


The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

* Phyllis Diller


Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

* Phyllis Diller


A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

* Phyllis Diller


I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

* Phyllis Diller


Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

* Phyllis Diller


Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

* Phyllis Diller


Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

* Phyllis Diller


We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

* Phyllis Diller


Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

* Phyllis Diller


You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

* Phyllis Diller


I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

* Phyllis Diller


What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

* Phyllis Diller


The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

* Phyllis Diller


I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

* Phyllis Diller


Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

* Phyllis Diller


My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

* Phyllis Diller


There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

* Phyllis Diller


I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

* Phyllis Diller


My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

* Phyllis Diller


Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

* Phyllis Diller


I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

* Phyllis Diller


The reason the pro-golfer tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

* Phyllis Diller


You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
* Phyllis Diller ​
 
Beer & Colonoscopy
It was my first time visiting Dr Putz for a colonoscopy.
I went into his office for my first rectal exam.
His new blonde nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room.
She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer
.
When Dr. Putz finally came in I said, "Look Doc", I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the
K-Y
is for,
And I know what the
glove is for,
But can you tell me what the
BEER is for?"
At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse, "Damn it, Evelyn !
I said a
BUTT LIGHT"
 
Redneck College Grad

A redneck family's only son returns home from college. The father asks, "Well son, you done gone to college, so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?"

The son says, "Pi R squared."

The father yells, "Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pies are round, cornbread are square."
 
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"Why that's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. So the boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - now they have a program here that will teach Fido to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "That's amazing! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." So his father sends the money.

At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.

"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner and reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked 'So, is your daddy still messin'' around with that little redhead that lives down on Oak Street?' "

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that lyin' sack of trash!"
 
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Bob, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Bob must have experienced.
"Bob was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Bob's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Bob.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Bob is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "Hi, I'm Bob." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."
 
EIGHT WORDS WITH TWO MEANINGS!


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.



2. VULNERABLE (vul-NE-Ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-in-Kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (RI-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?

He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while
I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said.... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
 
Golden Years - Car Keys!!!

After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys.

I quickly gave myself a personal "TSA Pat Down."

They weren't in my pockets.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's

ignition.

He's afraid that the car could be stolen.



As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right.

The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police.

I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and

that it had been stolen.



Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:

"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a moment of silence.

I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice:

"Are you kidding me?" he barked,

"I dropped you off!"



Now it was my turn to be silent.

Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."



He replied, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn

car!"

Welcome to the Golden Years! :lol:
 
After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:

"Let me see if I've got this right.
You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behaviour,
observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages
and instil in them a love for learning.

You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually
transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play,
and how to register to vote, balance a chequebook, and apply for a job.

You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behaviour, and
ensure that they all pass their final exams.

You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps,
and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language,
by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few
books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

You want me to do all this, and then you tell me......

I CAN'T PRAY or wear a little cross or say "Happy Christmas" because someone
might take offence? "
 
It's only a game!

The coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside
and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is?
What a team is?" "Yes, coach", replied
the boy.

"Do you understand that what matters is we win or lose as a
team?" The boy nodded in yes.

The coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is
called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire,
or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you
understand all that?" Again, the boy nodded yes.

And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a
chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your
coach a dumb ass or damn puzzy is it?" "No,
coach.


"Good," said the coach, "Now go over there and explain all that
to your Grandmother"!
 
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner,'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned,
'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say three Hail Mary's.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sat down right in front of the priest.

Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
The altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,
'No Father, "I think it's just a reflection from her shoes.."
 
Pinocchio, Snow White and

Superman

are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?
"First Place," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar
in the world?"

Pinocchio says "this is mine."

Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Hillary Clinton?" asked Pinocchio.
 
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music.
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827."

Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says: "He's decomposing."
 
There Was A Catholic Priest Speeding Down The Highway In Ireland. A Traffic Cop Pulls Him Over And As The Cop Peers In The Window, He Sees A Wine Bottle On The Floor And Smells Wine. The Cop Then Asks The Priest, "have You Been Drinking?" The Priest Replys, "only Water." The Cop Then Says,"why Is It Then That I Smell Wine?" The Priest Replys," Holy Jesus, He's Done It Again!"
 
Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth."
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions: First - whatever happened in Benghazi? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And, Third –whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different boy—little Johnny--puts his hand up; Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. "Johnny."

"And what is your question, Johnny?"

"I have five questions: First - whatever happened in Benghazi?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third- whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And, Fifth - where's Kenneth?
 
Digging to a depth of 1,000 meters last year, French scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years. The French came to the
conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network centuries ago.
Not to be outdone by the French, English scientists dug to a depth of
2,000 meters. Shortly thereafter headlines in the UK newspapers read:
"English archaeologists have found traces of a 2,000-year-old fiber-optic
cable and have concluded that their ancestors had an advanced high-tech
digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the French."
One week later, Israeli newspapers reported the following: "After digging
as deep as 5,000 meters in a Jerusalem marketplace, they found absolutely
nothing. They thus concluded that 5,000 years ago Jews were using
wireless."
 
mrvette said:
Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth."
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions: First - whatever happened in Benghazi? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And, Third –whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different boy—little Johnny--puts his hand up; Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. "Johnny."

"And what is your question, Johnny?"

"I have five questions: First - whatever happened in Benghazi?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third- whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And, Fifth - where's Kenneth?
Click to expand...

FOX new I guess....:censored:
 
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