Official joke of the day thread

Wife/her daughter and me setting here talking about poly-ticks, and so they cracked this joke.....'If an American goes to the bathroom, they become YouraPeean when they come out they be American again......

please, NO offense to anyone here....just a good joke....:drink:
 
A Curmudgeon's Perspective

1.I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met?That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to change the name for the bathroom from "the John" and renamed it "the Jim." I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
 
Fred was driving home from one of his business trips, in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly
Navajo man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the Indian got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Fred tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man
just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown
bag on the seat next to Fred.

"What in bag?" asked the old man.

Fred looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an
elder, he said: "Good trade . "
 
A headsup for Home Depot shoppers......
A "heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously ! good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen April 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th,& 29th. Also May 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. WalMart has wallets on sale $1.99 each
 
PICTURE OF AN NYPD OFFICER BEATING AN UNARMED BLACK PERSON
IN BROAD DAYLIGHT WHILE ANOTHER OFFICER STANDS IDLY BY!

b8ed1e4704c37250e8e84ec0f26bf49fa00d2af225d2ce7e356003cc03a58996_1.jpg
 
A new generation?

Daughter to Dad TEXTING And Communicating in Today's
Generation...


Daddy, I am coming home to get married, soon. Get out your check
book. LOL I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in
Australia, and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became
friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype,
and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber.

My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes,
and a really big wedding." Lots of love and thanks,

Your favorite daughter, Lilly

Dads reply... also by texting...



My Dear Lilly:

Like Wow! Really? Cool!

Whatever... I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have
fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal.

And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.

LOL. (lots of love),



Daddy
 
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nudist beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is.'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother, 'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'
 
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with he pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."

Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well. I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his f...........!! wife" !!!!!
 
A very prestigious wealthy man and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant.
An absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table and gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she will she him later.

The wife glares at her husband and demands "Who was that?"
"Oh" replies the husband. "That is my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw. I have had enough. I want a divorce" says the wife.

"I can understand that" replies her husband, "But just remember if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more winters in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more sports car in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then a colleague of the husband's enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who is that woman with Matt?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress" says her husband.
"Ours is prettier" she replies
 
A friend hosted a dinner party for family far and wide and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well.

All during the sit-down dinner one four-year-old girl stared at the uncle sitting across from her.

The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

The uncle checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at him.

He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him.

He finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said "I just want to see how you drink like a fish."
 
Making a Baby....
This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny as heck!

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted!!!
 
Came home from golfing today.

My wife had left a note on the refrigerator:

"IT'S NOT WORKING, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay with my mother."

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold.......

What the HELL is she talking about???
 
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.

"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says;



"Well, maybe that's a good thing, you know, ..a little peace and quiet ? "

"Yeah. But today is the last day!"
 
Manure... An interesting fact.

Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas of course.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ', (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golfing term.
 
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