Formerly the guy known as "clutchdust"

GENE, I think I actually understand your response less now. (where's the :willy: smilie?)
GT6Steve said:
"The purpose of the RLE is so that the person has as much experience as possible living exactly how life will be after transition. It's not something that can be reversed so doctors and psychologists don't take it lightly."

Hey Jen,

How's the medical community been with this project? Is it difficult or easy to find the Doctors? What's the acceptance level? Is there any Insurance support?

Are you going this alone or is there support at home?
Are you going to be able to stay working? Have you talked to the folks at the shop?

Steve
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Steve, believe it or not this is currently being handled through the VA. It is a legitimate diagnosis and is being treated as such. I am very surprised and please at the acceptance and cooperation I'm receiving. And I'm not the only one. You would be stunned at how many veterans identify as transgender. I attend a TG support meeting from time to time and would say probably 20-25% of the trans identified people that attend are veterans.

A couple of theories exist to explain the phenomena. One is that they are in so much internal conflict that they willingly put themselves in harm's way, thinking ending it will ease the burden. I call these people "transition or die". If you want a really good story about this very thing, read "Warrior Princess" by Kristen Beck. She is a US Navy SEAL who served in multiple combat theaters and openly came out as transgender last year. I related to her story and it's a major factor in why I finally accepted my own transgenderism.

The other type is what I call "transition to live", I consider myself to be in this class. I joined the military partly to prove to myself and others that I really was a man. Never worked though. I have never been suicidal but there have been times when I've thought that if something happened, it would end my problems. I have really pretty much hated my identity my whole life. I finally like myself now. I feel like I am prettier as a woman than handsome as a man. I may be deluding myself about that but I feel very comfortable as a woman.

FWIW, the VA will cover HRT. But for everything else I'm on my own. My electrolysis is out of my own pocket, my rhinoplasty and GRS (if I can afford it) will all be things I pay for.
 
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Well, wow. For so many reasons. I’ve not been on here as often as many of you, but have participated when I thought I had something to add to a conversation or idea. I’ve followed Clutchdust/Jen’s posts, threads and comments, like others, and always thought he (in all seriousness should we now refer to you as she?) added to the community, and don’t expect that to change in the least.

Vegas/Jen, I’m as comfortable with who I am as one can be, so that’s my perspective, and we tend to see things from our own perspective. I can’t imagine how conflicted you must have been for most of your life. Good for you that you’ve taken steps to be who you feel you are, that has to take an immense amount of courage. I won’t pretend to understand, and don’t know that I ever could, but I will tell you that I believe we all have a right to be who we want to as long as we don’t try to force others to be like we are. You certainly fit that bill, and for what it’s worth, have my appreciation, respect and best wishes. I look forward to you’re progress, and your continued posts and ideas for our mutual interests and passions with corvettes.
 
Over the last two years I have been reading and re reading a book written by Dr. Brian Weiss called "Many Lives, Many Masters". He describes his theory on life sort of this way... We are spiritual beings that visit this earth, this life for a short time, then we go back to the spiritual state where we are met by the "Masters" who guide us. We visit life again and again, sometimes male, sometimes female and we have many experiences (we are supposed to learn from them). Some lifetimes are peaceful, others traumatic. Some of us may feel some form of anxiety in this life, lets say claustrophobia, that is brought on by a traumatic experience from a prior lifetime, lets say being trapped in a mine or something like that. Or you may meet someone and feel like you have known them before, even though the present facts tell you that it can not be... the truth may be that you have met this spiritual being in another lifetime and something deep inside of you recognizes them.
We have many life experiences stored inside of us, some stronger and more influential than others, they make us who we are.

When I was 10 yrs. old I went to Puerto Rico on vacation with my Mother. I was warned to not spend too much time in the sun but I did not listen and I got a bad case of sun poisoning. That evening my Mother went to the hotel ball room for drinks and dancing with her friends, then came back to the room to find me in a terrible state. I was in my bed, red as a lobster, running a fever and going in and out of consciousness. One of the times I passed out, when I came to I was behind my mother's shoulder, looking back down at myself in bed. I was having an out of body, near death experience. I started to float upwards slowly, like a balloon, into a warm, gentle, welcoming place and I became aware of many loving hands, spirits, reaching out to me and welcoming me. I was being given an invitation and a choice, cross over or go back. I never heard any words but I felt the message. I made my choice to go back. I floated back down the same way I had gone up, slowly and peacefully until I was at my Mother's shoulder again, looking back down at myself in bed. The next thing I knew I was back in my body and in my bed with my Mother leaning over me, mopping my forehead with a wet washcloth that felt like coarse sand paper.

I believe in multiple life experiences and it helps me to not be afraid.
 
My first entry to this, although I've followed it since you first broached the subject.

My initial reaction is, "Wow! Interesting!"
And, "Wow, you do have big balls (!) to come out with it, to actually do it-- but on the other hand, what else can you do. At some point you have to or else die, psychologically or physically or both."
I'm proud of our 'community' here on VM to see the unquestioning acceptance you are receiving, Jen.

Due to things that have happened in my life the last few years (& especially after the girl I loved died in 2012), I've been reading a lot of psychology trying to learn, to understand, to make some kind of sense of-- of it all, I guess. Myself, others, the world.

Coincidentally, recently I read about Jung's theory of the 'anima' (the female aspect of the male) & 'animus' (the male aspect of the female) within us all. Wow, I had had such a concept vaguely floating in my head for a while, trying to work out some of the changes I'm going through mentally, trying to recognize, understand things I need to to grow, to progress in this life, rather than wither and die as it seemed I had been for years. The recognition of the anima in me has been very revealing for a number of reasons. Among other things, it has had a profound effect in how I feel about women as a 'species'. Believe me, that's big, although I still have a lifetime of habitual thought patterns to work on dealing with.

(from wikipwedia: )
"Jungians warned that "every personification of the unconscious - the shadow, the anima, the animus, and the Self - has both a light and a dark aspect....the anima and animus have dual aspects: They can bring life-giving development and creativeness to the personality, or they can cause petrification and physical death".

I choose life. It is not always easy, but it seems it would be a betrayal of the life I was given to choose otherwise. I have to, for her sake. She no longer has that choice.

Congratulations, Jen (if that's the right phrase), on finally making the decision to quit living the 'untruth' of who you are--or were, and best wishes for the transition.

Even though most of us are only 'cyber', you have friends & support here.

John
 
GENE, I think I actually understand your response less now. (where's the :willy: smilie?)


Even though most of us are only 'cyber', you have friends & support here. John


Jen, what John said, for sure.... I sorry my comment was taken in a negative light, as I figgered the opening post for a joke of some kind, like a buddy hijacked your account, I had absolutely NO warning or clue....:amazed:
 
GENE, not to worry. The post that Marck saw that I subsequently deleted was a knee-jerk response to your initial post. I might have been offended in that instance but got over it as quickly as it came.

John, thanks for your understanding. I also hope you find the things in life you're searching for as well. I can tell you that as for me, I am far more at peace with who I am now than I've ever been before. I'm not ready to post a picture yet, but what I will tell you is that I finally see the me I've always felt. There were times in my life where I would look in the mirror and I was quite literally shocked at my own reflection. I did not recognize the man staring back at me. I still have a lot of work to go though. Not just emotionally, financially and hormonally, but surgically as well. And not just the obvious one either. I'm planning on getting a nose job this year to make it less masculine. I had planned on getting it done next month, based on an expected (work) bonus, but that came in far lower than what I had hoped so I will have to put it off until later. Plus, I got braces last week. I figured I've gone 35 years with these same jacked up teeth but I'll be damned if I'm going to go through all of this and go from the ugly duckling into the beautiful swan only to have the ratty teeth bring me down.

I do plan on keeping my car hobby too. Granted, it will be on a pretty strict budget for the time being. I'm looking to try and save somewhere around $30k in the next 1.5-2 years for various transition related expenses so I won't have a lot of extra money to devote to the hobby like I used to. I've been trying to figure out ways to make extra cash just to fund this but I'm having a hard time. I thought about getting a part time job and just putting all that money in savings but I'm also going back to school to finish my degree. I've been supporting myself as a mechanic for the last 20 years but it's never something I wanted to do for a career and I'm even less interested in it now. I don't want to retire a 60-some-odd year old female mechanic. Not particularly sexy.

To all others who have commented with support, thank you.

Like I said previously, if you have any questions, public or private, I am willing to answer to the best of my ability.
 
Okay Jen,
You have the thoughts or desires to be a woman. But I am guessing you also have feelings of a man, to do manly things? Your a car girl/guy for one! So you go through the medical procedures for a change to female. A year later after, do you start feeling or noticing you have desires to again be a man? What I'm wondering is, are the female wants heightened because your not fulfilled? And little did you know you have the same urges to be a man? However it's gone unnoticed since you are, a man? Will you discover your real confusion that your mind actually flips from one gender to the other? I find this very interesting, the human mind and just how strong it is.

One reason I ask is, app. a year ago I read. Something like 50% of all transgendered patients wish they never followed through with the medical procedures. I also did read this is not something you can do or start immediately. There's some heavy psychological testing before hand.

I sincerely hope you find what your looking for!:thumbs:

Ralphy
 
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Fair enough. Believe me, it is something I know I have struggled with for years, decades even. I have spoken with several transwomen who have stated something similar. None have said they regretted the surgery, but many express regret over the difficulties involved. Many of us lose friends and family (family seems to be the primary loss for most), not to mention the significant financial burden transition costs. Then there is the social aspect of it. I have been told on a couple of occasions that if they could have figured out how to live their lives happily without transitioning, they would have. But none have told me they actually regret transitioning. These are things that must be considered before one takes those steps.
But like I said, that is part of the purpose of the RLE. We're supposed to live life "as if" for a full year, experiencing all of the trials and tribulations that one can expect. Typically, the transitional part (RLE) is the hardest part. For me, I hate the "in between" part, going from male (I'm not out at work) and female (just about every minute I'm not at work, I live as a female). All the more reason as I explained to Dean why I'm not cheating. I could very well go for the next year or two or even forever, never divulging this aspect of my life on this board, but that violates the spirit and intent of the RLE. And the RLE is there for a reason. It was developed by people who have been down this path before me. It would be stupid not to learn from them. This is absolutely a huge step in someone's life and should be given the utmost consideration. I know a few transwomen (MtF) that violate the RLE. Most have known with absolute certainty their entire life that's what they want and don't regret it. Not that I'm uncertain, but as you stated, it's not something you can reverse.
I'm very early in my transition so I could "detransition" at any point if I want and nothing would happen other than having to explain to people why I changed my mind. But I haven't seriously considered it. So far my metric whenever I run into any doubt or difficulty is "if surgery were tomorrow, would you still do it?" And so far without hesitation I can say with absolute confidence "yes".
But one other point to what you're were asking, I can't imagine ever feeling the desire "to be a man again" since I never felt the desire or comfort with "being a man" to begin with. I always felt it was simply a hand I was dealt at birth, like some kind of birth defect (I refer to it as the male birth defect). I'm not saying that being male in general is a birth defect, just in my particular instance.
And kind of as an aside, part of my problem is how I identify. I think I touched on this previously, but I have never felt fully male and know I never will feel fully female. It makes me sad knowing now, even as I begin this process, that I will never feel fully as I believe I should (natural born female). I have always felt like I'm kind of stuck in between this male/female paradigm. In transgender parlance it's called "the (gender) binary". Men do this, women do that. Men like this, women like that, and so on and so forth. But it's becoming more acceptable for those lines to be blurred. We're seeing women as pilots or other traditional male oriented professions and more men as nurses or home maker, etc. There is more acceptance of breaking those definitions society likes so much. So aside from a purely sexual role, I really don't see what I can't do as a female that I can do as a male.
That's the way I read your question. If that's not the intent, then please ask again. I very much enjoy this. It does help me clarify and verbalize what I'm feeling, thinking and doing.

One other point (ok, maybe more than one) I want to make. I may have said this previously also, but I've said a lot and can't always remember what blather I actually commit in type. I have wanted to do this for at least half my life, probably longer. The loss, or at least the fear of loss, of family mentioned above has been the primary thing holding me back. To the point that I had seriously consider moving and just "going dark", essentially dying as far as everyone I ever knew considered.
Another factor is the social stigma that has been largely cast on the transgender community. We're often the butt of jokes, ridiculed and/or mocked. Many trans-identified people suffer from various mental illnesses. I believe this is largely due to having to go through this without support and acceptance in general. I know that I have seen in the past people who I believe were transgender and how the rest of society treated them and I thought "I don't want to be like that person". So I denied and suppressed it. I always associated being transgender with mental illness because that is what I saw. I never realized that I had probably seen hundreds of trans identified people that were just living their lives completely normally and I never knew (this is called "woodworking" or "going stealth"). The book I mentioned earlier is what really opened my eyes to the fact that being transgender did not automatically mean being mentally ill. Many transgender people suffer from mental illness, the most common is depression, while many of us develop coping mechanisms that allow us to either transition or live life in our birth gender with relative peace.

I have no desire to be a crusader for transgender rights but if this thread does anything to enlighten readers about the difficulty of being transgender and encourage cispeople to be accepting, it is worth every rambling word I've written.
 
That was really informative, you answered well and that was where I was going. Now I can't speak for others, but me? I never wished to be a female, but also I never wished to be a male. I am! I don't consciously think about my orientation. So I'm trying to put myself in your shoes with wonder. Do you identify more strongly with your gender role? Is this something that is a raised conscious for transgendered?

Ralphy
 
Ralphy said:
That was really informative, you answered well and that was where I was going. Now I can't speak for others, but me? I never wished to be a female, but also I never wished to be a male. I am! I don't consciously think about my orientation.
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Thank you. I try to be clear and answering questions helps me coalesce my thoughts.
This reminds me though of a difference I've noticed myself. In my family we would have big get-togethers for holidays like Christmas or Thanksgiving. Typical that everyone would eat together but afterward the men generally gravitated outside or to the living room while the women generally congregated in the dining room or kitchen. When I was younger people used to tell me I should go out "with the boys". As I got older I had to remind myself to do so as part of the mask of being just one of the guys.
So I'm trying to put myself in your shoes with wonder. Do you identify more strongly with your gender role?
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What do you mean by my gender role? As a female? If so, it comes more naturally for me. For years the things I did, like the way I walk or stand have been things I've trained myself to do to not expose myself.
There is a certain liberation in presentation as a female. I can do things, act ways, presenting as female that you or I can't get away with as guys. I have always felt very constricted in my behavior as a guy. Like everything I did was being watched and critiqued. That may just be transgender paranoia, but I always felt like people were looking for proof to expose me.

Is this something that is a raised conscious for transgendered?

Ralphy
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Sorry, but I don't know what you mean with this last question.
 
"So I'm trying to put myself in your shoes with wonder. Do you identify more strongly with your gender role?"

"Is this something that is a raised conscious for transgendered?"

You could put the two together. It's me thinking honestly, my gender just is. I don't think, hey I'm going to...... Damn this is hard to describe! LOL....

I don't buy clothes, "maybe this is ignorant" I don't buy clothes with a lot of thought toward orientation. I just don't give my gender a lot of thought. As I think I said. I am!

Okay here you said, "I have always felt very constricted in my behavior as a guy." "Like everything I did was being watched and critiqued."I've never had that experience. Anyhow that's honestly really F'd up for you. I feel for you. For onlookers, the thought is THE SEX PART. But I would guess for you, it's a cerebral thing?

On another note we have a transgendered now gal at our hangar. Many people around me have done the parade to go and see. I think it's silly myself. From what people say, everyone who works in the area knows why they're there. Because the lookers are being watched/looked to judge their reaction. Damn just leave it alone will you!

Oh, as far as what I had mentioned 50% regretting the change. In my mind I drew a conclusion they still wanted to be their original being. The article never said that. You clarified the issue.

Ralphy
 
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What with the nsa looking over all this shit, and the .gov anymore, I really shy about commenting on so much related stuff in my family past, but not involving me directly.....all you all wouldn't believe it anyway....

and something else just popped up in the last month....

and this one may well cause a divorce, and yet another for me, as an ancillary event.....

it's SO off the wall, even ME, the old cynic, can't make sense of it......

:club::hunter: fuck it, I need a drink.....

when/IF the shit hits the fan, maybe I able to post of the aftermath....

so don't hold breath, but this involves under age kids and I have NOTHING to do with it, and so stuck shutting my mouth and the .gov is involved, and some folks going to lose their HOUSE over this shit.....

trick is, it's all a LIE......from the git go, involves a kid and the .net and crap...nuff said....

:club::cussing::hunter:
 
OK, boys, I feel like this thread has run its course. At least I think there are probably people who are quite ready to see it drop off the top of the page. I'm still happy to answer any questions anybody may have, but unless you guys say otherwise, let's go to PM.
If you guys still want to keep it up here, then just say so. I'm OK with it. I just don't want to hog the forum with my own personal drama.
 
VegasJen said:
OK, boys, I feel like this thread has run its course. At least I think there are probably people who are quite ready to see it drop off the top of the page. I'm still happy to answer any questions anybody may have, but unless you guys say otherwise, let's go to PM.
If you guys still want to keep it up here, then just say so. I'm OK with it. I just don't want to hog the forum with my own personal drama.
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As I said when we've talked via PM.... I don't have a problem with it, "i don't care" and I mean that in a good way....lol....... You're not hogging the forum, don't worry. I think this is one of the great things about this place: if you don't want to read this, simply don't ..... Just skip over this thread..... There's no reason to micro-manage and/or over-moderate threads like "others" do.....
Like many others here, I remember you being "around" since when? 2006/2007 on these forums ??? Quiet a while...... Some "personal"stuff is perfectly ok...... Lol
 
OK guys, I appreciate the support all have shown but from now on, this will be my last new post unless someone asks a specific question.

However, I do tend to edit it with updates periodically, kind of like my own little blog, for any of you interested in keeping track. But be forewarned, some of this may seem really bizarre to you so from this point on, it's up to you if you want to read this.

To that end this will be my first blog entry (3/30/14)
Yesterday was my 5th shot of estrogen. My "birthday" is 3/2/14 so technically Wednesday would be one month but I'm rounding the months to the nearest injection. I really hate the shots and they do have oral estrogen but it's supposed to be harder on the liver and kidneys than the shot. It's supposed to be about as effective but I've heard some women seem to notice faster results through the IM injection. I give myself the shot in the thigh. It's a 1.5" (40mm) needle. I hate needles to begin with but that fucker looks positively huge when I have to jam it into my thigh. But the irony is that by Tuesday I'll be counting the days until my next shot. I may hate the act but I'm so desperate for the results.

As for results, I'm not actually seeing anything yet but I am beginning to feel it. I'm starting to feel boobs. They itch like mad and hurt to the touch. I probably can't expect to actually see any visible results until around 4-6 months. But the standard experienced girls say is to expect to be about one cup size smaller than your closest female relative. If that's the case, that would be my mom, and I'm going to have a rack! If that holds, I'm probably looking at something around a D cup.

Another effect of the estrogen is that over time fat will be redistributed to where women carry it so I'm looking at my hips filling out. If I can lose the gut and get a little bit in the hips I'll start to get that feminine figure.
Of course, the one thing estrogen can't do is reshape bones so I am stuck with the typical narrow male hips and broad shoulders. All I can do there is work out the places I want to build up and wear flattering clothes.

The other hormone medication I'm on is called Spironolactone. That's a testosterone blocker. To that end, I rarely get wood anymore. Got one last night and that surprised me. No idea where it came from. I don't really have much in the way of a sex drive anymore either. I still see and admire beautiful women but I'm finding the attraction less sexual and more envy. Haven't noticed being any more attracted to men. Some say that does happen the longer one is on HRT, some say it never happens for them. The current theory is that it's easier for younger transitioners to accept a heterosexual relationship than those of us that have been established in the "I like girls" or "I like boys" mentality. So at this point all I can and will say to that is I reserve the right to decide later on.

Which is just fine because right now I'm not in the market for any kind of relationship. I need to get everything else holding steady before I even entertain that idea.

That even kind of leads me to something I've said elsewhere that may be of interest to anyone who is still reading at this point. Pretty much my whole life I have used relationships as a means of distraction, so I didn't have to address this issue. Granted, my last relationship was with a wonderful woman who I still love as much as I could ever imagine myself caring for another person. But even that relationship was in part a tool I used to distract and deny being trans.

I have rarely ever been alone for any length of time . Whenever I was, I would go into some very dark places. I knew why but never wanted to acknowledge it. My marriage was such a distraction. I liked the woman, but never loved her. But I needed that or else I don't know what I would have done.

But back to what's going on. The universe of people who don't know is getting smaller and smaller. Of the people who I still need to tell, it's all family now. My mom is the only one who knows and she has been surprisingly accepting. I hate that I'm keeping this from my family but I just don't know how prepared they are for such a revelation. Most of my family is devoutly religious with the lone exception being my dad. But I don't suspect he'll take it any better. I hope I'm wrong but I just don't see him being tolerant of this. I don't think he can grasp the idea that being trans is not a choice. The choice is doing something about it. He's one of those uber masculine types, a little misogynistic. For him, male > female. Like others of that mindframe, I think he sees being male as an innate superiority, and I don't see him understanding why someone would want to give up the perceived advantage of manhood for womanhood. Some of you may be relating to that very thing. The answer is that there is no advantage to not being right with yourself.

[added] I'm also at about 50 hours of electrolysis. That's fun. If you aren't familiar [ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAAwYGhjcdQ]HERE[/ame] is a quick video that shows what they do. Keep in mind they have to do each and every hair, often two or three times, before it is gone permanently. At 50 hours, I'm about 1/4 of the way there, although I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out to take more than that. No, hormones don't stop hair growth of established hairs. It will make the hairs finer and lighter eventually but I would continue to grow a beard the rest of my life. I ain't gonna let that happen! Neither of my electrologists (yes, I see two) have really even touched under my jaw yet. And yes, it hurts like shit. I have a pretty high tolerance but about all I can stand it two hours and I'm crawling out of my skin. Although I do see one electrologist who works with an M.D. The M.D. offers a service where for a small charge I get a numbing shot so she can just go to town. Had that done on Wednesday. I only have that done for the upper lip because that part hurts like hell.

That's it for now. I'll update more later. As stated before, I'm open to answer pretty much any questions, either publicly or privately.

[UPDATE 4/3/14]
Well, as I said earlier, I have been over the shot for days. Needle really wasn't all that bad. Was ready for my next one on Monday. It's amazing. I'm sure what I'm feeling would freak most of you out but it's like crack for me. I can't get enough estrogen. I'm finally starting to feel like this is how I was supposed to be from the beginning.

I'm growing real boobs. They're teeny tiny right now but they're there. Fkrs hurt too. Sore to the touch and of course, it seems like everything I bump into finds a nipple now. I swear a "purple nurple" would put me in the hospital. The surprising thing though is how fast I'm seeing results. Most transwomen say expect it to take two to three months before they're even noticeable. My one month anniversary of HRT was yesterday and I'm already seeing it.

Made a downpayment on rhinoplasty today. That's going to set me back almost $6k but I really want to get my nose fixed. It's too big and has an unattractive hump in the middle. I think that will go so far toward making my face look more feminine. I'm so excited I can't wait for next month. We'll see what happens.

[UPDATE 4/15/14]
I'm guessing pretty much everybody has stopped paying attention to this thread by now so I can kind of let loose with some stuff that I want to put out but I'm pretty OK with nobody ever reading!

I've had several things go on since the last update so this will be fast and furious.
First, I've accepted a new job. It's an operating engineer position at a major laundry facility here in town. Being Vegas, this isn't like your corner drycleaner, this is a major company that owns locations around the nation. I'm not real excited about it but it is a bump in pay and because it is a major company I'm hopeful that they will be tolerant of my particular concerns. I do plan on going full time later this year so it will be nice to be able to present on the job. It's mandatory to qualify for the RLE.

I am trying an experimental hair regrowth treatment. I got my first treatment on Saturday and will do a second next month. I don't exhibit traditional MPB but I have thinning in the front and massive "widow's peak". If I can grow out hair enough to give me a feminine hairline, I will be thrilled. If this works, and there are no guarantees, it will be far less than grafts and less intrusive.

I don't know if I mentioned but I'm also in school currently. It's a PLC class so it's predominantly male. There is one other girl in the class but I haven't seen her in a few weeks and think she may have dropped. I started the class in "guy mode", although kind of androgynous, with no intention of presenting as female through this semester. As oftentimes what happens to us as we become comfortable with our gender presentation, I couldn't wait to dress for class any longer so about week four I went as Jennifer. I got just a couple of odd looks but that was the extent of it. Nobody said anything to me one way or the other. There was one guy that didn't bat an eye. The first time he saw me he just smiled a very friendly, inviting smile and asked "what's up?"
But I have had some difficulties in the class with the computer lab portion so a couple weeks ago I was asking the instructor for some help but he was busy helping someone else. This other student that has a pretty good grasp of the material rolled his chair over and helped me out. I thought it was very kind and accepting of him but nothing more. Then last week, I needed help again and he wheeled his chair over and helped me again. This time it was far more flirtatious and playful. I really don't know what to make of that. I'm still very much attracted to women but there was a different dynamic at work this time. I don't find the guy attractive at all but I found it very curious how he responded to me. I happen to think that I'm pretty attractive as a female, at least far more attractive than as a guy. Maybe that's not just my own ego talking. I do know that he would never have treated me or any other classmate the same way presenting as male. I really was quite flattered.

Finally to the fun stuff. I have kind of reconnected with my exwife. She accepts me as Jen and is supportive, even if kind of distanced. She's moving back down to San Diego at the end of the month and in exchange for quite a bit of clothing, furniture (not the least of which is a bed), and a TV, I volunteered to drive a load down last weekend. We loaded up a trailer and the back end of my suburban and rolled down to Sandy Eggo Saturday, got there and loaded all her stuff into a storage unit, then went to crash at a friend's house.
Here's where this story gets interesting and totally cool. The guy we stayed with knows me from before. The only way he's ever known me was as Gary and a Marine (he's also former Marine). Even so he welcomed and accepted me completely. He introduced me to his roomates as Jennifer and gendered me correctly the entire time. When we left, I did not know what to expect for a farewell. I kind of expected a handshake, which would be a total let down. Instead, he gave me a big bear hug and a kiss on the cheek! I was flying the whole way back. It was wonderful to be so accepted by someone who knew the previous me.

The only downside to the whole story is that somewhere along the adventure I picked up a bug and have been sick since Sunday night. After this, I'm laying back down and getting some sleep.

Will update more later. It's a fun trip!

[UPDATE 4/19/14]
If you're still reading this, you have some kind of an obsession. Totally cool though. If I wasn't OK with it I wouldn't put it out here. But if you're following along, help a girl out. This shit is expensive! I hate begging for money but I'm not too proud to do it in this case. In this case, it's a matter of timing. I'll get there on my own but that will probably mean two to three years of eating top ramen and soup. I'm willing to do that because I'm dedicated to this objective. But anything I can do to help move me to my goal, I'll do (within reason). If anyone reading were to be so generous, know that I have a savings account set up just for transition expenses and that's where any generosity would go. I currently have about $5k in it but about $4k of that will be going to my upcoming rhinoplasty.

So on to the update!
I'm finally getting over that cold. Nasty little bug.
This morning was shot #8. As usual I was ready to do it on Thursday and had to convince myself to wait. I am slightly bumping my dose though. I'm only supposed to be injecting .25ml but I'm getting closer to .3ml. I'm not going all the way to .3ml, more like if I'm over a bit, I don't bother being that precise. This morning was probably around .27-.28. I'm just "fudging" a little bit but it does seem to be working. I've had several people tell me they can tell a difference in my face but they can't quite figure out what it is.
My boobs, if you can call them that, are coming in. They're most definitely in the "mosquito bite" range right now, but I can tell a difference from week to week. They freakin' hurt too! Sore as hell to the touch. Totally awesome!
In general, I'm just feeling better when I'm able to be Jennifer openly. I'm far less comfortable being the old, guy me.

I do have one brief fun story I want to share.
I went into my nearest full service bank branch a few weeks back and told the manager what I was going through. I asked if she could put a note on my account for the tellers so I didn't get a hard time if I had to go to the counter presenting as female but showing a male ID. She told me she put a note on my account and she spoke to all the tellers about dealing with transgender customers. I just didn't want to be given a ration of shit so this story does not qualify.
Yesterday I went in to deposit a check and get cash back (ATM was down). I fill out my deposit slip, sign my check and have my ID in my hand. I get to the counter and the teller looks up my account, then looks at my ID, then looks at me, then back at my account, then ID again, then she asks "ma'am, are you on the account too?" I couldn't help but smile. I leaned in and said, "thank you, but that is me." She looked at me again and said "Oh! How would you like your cash back?" She was genuinely flustered. It was really a great feeling.
I can't pull off "passing" like that all the time but it does feel good when I can tell it's a genuine response. It gives me hope that I'm getting there.

[UPDATE 4/30/14]
I mailed a letter to my dad yesterday. He's out of town for a few days so it should be at the house waiting for him when he gets back. I am just slightly terrified. I'm not sure what his reaction will be but I have a hard time imagining it being positive. He spent most of my childhood trying to shape me into a man, which I never wanted to be in the first place. I don't know how this will all go over. I can't keep thinking about it. I start getting sick to my stomach if I think about it too long.

[UPDATE 5/13/14]
I still haven't heard from my dad yet but I did hear from my mom. My dad did get the letter and is struggling to understand. It's very confusing to him and I get that. I've been dealing with this for about 30 years and I'm still confused by it, this is the first he's heard of it. So I think it's a matter of time. When he reaches out to me I'll be here but I'm not going to push the issue.

I saw my endocrinologist today and she reviewed my latest blood work. My estrogen level is kind of high but she's leaving it for now. I will retest in about four months and if it's still high, she'll probably lower my dosage. She did up my antiandrogen (testosterone blocker) from 100mg/day to 200mg/day. I'm happy about that. That should help with breast growth and reducing body hair. My new dosage sounds pretty similar to what I'm hearing from a lot of other transwomen and their regimen.

Aside from breast soreness and growth (minimal so far) I haven't really seen or felt any other manifestations of the treatment. I'm very anxious to see how this progresses with my new dosage. Update again later.

[UPDATE 5/29/14]
Had rhinoplasty yesterday. I don't feel as bad as I look, but I don't feel great either. May actually post a pic once the nose heals up a bit. This is really exciting. I printed out a list of goals to accomplish for my transition. I now only have two things left on my list, change my name and gender marker, and reassignment surgery. It's amazing how fast it's all happening. I will be starting the name change process in about a month and now I continue with electrolysis and save for reassignment surgery.
That last one will take quite a while though. :(
 
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my ex wife had some hormone issues years ago and ended up going to a transdermal patch. no shots less chance of liver damage. good grief the stuff you learn when your married, I DONT MISS IT OR HER!:confused2:
 
Hey guys. So this weekend is the one year anniversary of the official start of my transition and I just wanted to give you all a really quick update.

First, I went "full time" back in July. I also legally changed my name and all the associated records I am currently capable of changing. The only ones I can't change as of yet are my discharge papers and my birth certificate. I'm kind of caught in the middle on those. The state of TN won't let me change my birth certificate nor will the Marine Corps, and I understand that to a certain degree. I mean, at the time I was presented as a male. Nobody would have been capable of knowing what was on the inside. But I digress.

I started a new job in May and was open about my transition at the time of my hire. There are one or two guys there that do have an issue with me, but for the most part everybody has been very good.

But anyway, I have been on hormones for one full year now and I am pleased with my progress so far. Of course, I'm impatient so I would prefer more progress faster. The thing is hormones are extremely powerful but work at near glacial speed.

So I figure a couple of you may be interested to see what a real life transwoman looks like, and since I'm pretty pleased with the way I look I figure I'll post up.
 
Hey Jen!


I've been thinkin it's about a year and have been wondering about how's it going. A couple of us at my work are rootin for you, glad to hear it's going well...or as least as well as that six miles of dirt road you're on can go:sweat:

We'll keep wishin you well from our side:friends:
 
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