Official joke of the day thread

New words for 2009:

1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ARSEMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT : An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another...

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing wind while passing through a Cube Farm.
 
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A guy sits down in a airplane seat and notices that the guy next to him has a black eye, just like him. Well, he thinks, this is quite a coincidence. So he asks him what happened. "You ever mean to say something but something else comes out"? The woman at the ticket counter had enormous breasts sticking out of her low cut top. I ment to ask for a ticket to Pittsbergh, but I said, I want a picket to tittsbergh! So, what's your story"?
"Pretty simular. This morning at breakfast, I looked at the wife and ment to say, please pass the Cherio's dear. What came out is, You ruined my life you crazy bitch!!"
 
Beagle 1 said:
A guy sits down in a airplane seat and notices that the guy next to him has a black eye, just like him. Well, he thinks, this is quite a coincidence. So he asks him what happened. "You ever mean to say something but something else comes out"? The woman at the ticket counter had enormous breasts sticking out of her low cut top. I ment to ask for a ticket to Pittsbergh, but I said, I want a picket to tittsbergh! So, what's your story"?
"Pretty simular. This morning at breakfast, I looked at the wife and ment to say, please pass the Cherio's dear. What came out is, You ruined my life you crazy bitch!!"
Click to expand...

:rofl::rofl:
 
A Blonde's Year In Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!


March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
months..... box said '2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!


June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake
with a slope.


July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition...learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped
because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per
pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911. 'Duh'.....there's no
'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
 
In a few short days, an African American man will move from
his private residence into a much larger and infinitely more expensive one
owned not by him but by the taxpayers.

A vast lawn, a perimeter fence and many well trained security
specialists will insulate him from the rest of us but the mere fact that
this
man will be residing in this house should make us all stop and count our
blessings - because it proves we live in a nation where anything is
possible.

Many believed this day would never come.

Most of us hoped and prayed that it would, but few of us
actually believed we would live to see it.

Racism is an ugly thing in all of its forms and there is
little doubt if this man had moved into this house fifteen years ago, there
would have been a great outcry - possibly even rioting in the streets.

Today, we can all be both grateful and proud that no such
mayhem will take place when this man takes up residency in this house.

This man, moving into this house at this time in our nation's
history is much more than a simple change of addresses for him - it is proof
of
a change in our attitude as a nation. It is an amends of sorts - the
righting
of a great wrong.

It is a symbol of our growth, and of our willingness to
"judge a man, not by the color of his skin but by the content of his
character".

There can be little doubt now that the vast majority of us
truly believe this man has earned both his place in history and his new
address.

His time in this house will not be easy - it will be fraught
with danger and he will face many challenges.

I am sure there will be many times when he asks himself how
in the world he ended up here and like all who have gone before him, the
experience
will age him greatly.

But I for one will not waste an ounce of worry for his sake
because in every way a man can, he asked for this.

His whole life for the past fifteen years appears to have
been inexorably leading this man toward this house.

It is highly probable that in the past, despite all of his
actions, racism would have kept this man out of this house.

Today, I'm grateful that I am an American and I live in a
nation where wrongs are righted, where justice matters and where truly
anything
is possible.

























63978d1231955207-wrong-will-soon-righted-clip_image001.jpg
 
This one is real disturbing (I didn't find it, was posted on a Dutch USA car forum)

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVkHRgyRdBg&[/ame]
 
An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so
advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in
another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a
lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him
looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so
advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person,
put it in another, and have them both looking for work in
two weeks.'

An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You
guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains
out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years,
and now half the country is looking for work.'
 
Snow Plow

Snow Plow

One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset . With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.
 
Old guy joke.
2 fairly new residents in the old folks home are bitching and moaning about how it sucks to get old.
"I can't hardly pee" says the first one. "I toss and turn half the night because I have to pee, then when I get up, nothing! I end up standing there for a hour".
"Thats nothing, I can't hardly crap. I'm backed up all the time. Then I go in and strain to get a few rabbit turds. Hey, why don't we go talk to that old timer over there. He's always smiling, so maybe he know something to help us".
So they explain it to the old timer and he say that he doesn't have these problems.
"Every morning at 6:00 I pee like a race horse. Every morning at 6:30 I crap like a goose! But, the is one small complication. I don't get out of bed till 7:00".
 
This is good:

[ame=http://s174.photobucket.com/albums/w102/junkandmore/?action=view&current=PolishPolarBearClub.flv]
th_PolishPolarBearClub.jpg
[/ame]
 
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar
and orders a drink.



Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner
table.



He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the
biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the
hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'



The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies
are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.



The drunk leans on the table again and says:
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I
ever had!'



The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the
biker still says nothing.



The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'


At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the
shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says.....................















'Grandpa;....... Go home! You're drunk.
 
Open Letter

To the Guy Who Mugged Me

I was the white guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand
over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also
asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across
this message. I'd like to apologize.

I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took
my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and
it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that
Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a
shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very
intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?

I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd
come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it
was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and
wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come
help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or
"Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your
situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to
one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the
cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your
bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the
line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't
know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your
service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office
with it. Oh well.

So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did
this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm
sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like
to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing
you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll
reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky.
If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry.

Peace!
 
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation
coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'

The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the
decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting new countertops.'
 
WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than 5 miles down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him any more. Can you please help? Sincerely, Sheila

******************************
Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps,
 
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