Official joke of the day thread

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son.'
 
Crabs……. in a plane.......

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of crabs.
A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's
refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave
about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to
the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise his hand?'

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them herself.

Some Men never learn!
 
DJ Dep said:
Crabs……. in a plane.......

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of crabs.
A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's
refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave
about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to
the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise his hand?'

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them herself.

Some Men never learn!
Click to expand...

Was the stewardess a redhead? She gave 'em to me in Texas...Or maybe she was the brunette in New Mexico or the hippie chick in Idaho or the blonde in Colorado or......No wait--the Idaho hippie chick only gave me "applause"......
 
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GWB Library to open

GWB library to open in 2009

The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages. The Library will include:


The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.


The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.


The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.


The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.


The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.


The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.


The National Debt room which is huge and has no ceiling.


The 'Tax Cut' Room with entry only to the wealthy.


The 'Economy Room' which is in the toilet.


The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.


The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.


The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.


The Supreme Court's Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.


The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.


The 'Decider Room' complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.


The museum will also have an electron microscope to help you locate the President's accomplishments.
 
A young guy goes to the Job Center in Charleston, W. Va., and sees a flyer advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant. Interested, he wants to learn more. “Can you give me some more details?” he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up a file ad says, “The job entails getting ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off any hair, then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination.

There’s an annual salary of $55 thousand, but you’re going to have to go to Charlotte, North Carolina. That’s about 250 miles from here.”

“Oh, is that where the job is?” the young man asks.

“No, sir: that’s where the end of the line is right now.”
 
Two aliens landed in the on Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear."
 
Origin of a Christmas Tradition

A Christmas Story . . . for people having a bad day

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
With all the problems going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokey Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Shut up. You know it's funny.
 
Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide
dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous
laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the
door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing
nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little
practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster
down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize
they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it
begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked
screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the
air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all
retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in
good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other
and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late
and we're all gonna die."
 
Wish I could think of an appropriate caption :hunter:

Wonder how fast she can run with her pants down. :hissyfit:

pic04806.jpg
 
Nine Words Women Use

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
 
HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots,
leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You
cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that
it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn
into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one
for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your
mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car
with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
people's food for free. Lots of it.

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table
while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
;
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge Have as many as you can before becoming
the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you
leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
;
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if
you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some
standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or
get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips;
start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this
motto to live by: ;

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally
worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
 
AIRSPACE VIOLATION PROTOCOL


According to a Marine Pilot:

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.

This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.

I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along. The conversation went something like this...

Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemosabe, look towards sky; what you see?'

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies.. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful , and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo shit, Kemosabe. Someone stole tent.'
 
From TimAT

>
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
> flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
> chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
> freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner where
> nothing could get to it.
>
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
> under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
> and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
> to say, ''What the...??''
>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
> holes until you die of old age.
>
> SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
> of blood blisters.
>
> BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
> touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
> dismal your future becomes.
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
> heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
> intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
> WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
> conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
> flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
> grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
>
> TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch
> wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
> after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
> handle firmly under the bumper.
>
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
> upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
>
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
> known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
> possible future use.
>
> BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
> to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
> into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
> the outside edge.
>
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
> strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
>
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
> inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
> opposite the handle.
>
> AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
> lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing
> oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip
> out Phillips screw heads.
>
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
> to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
>
> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
> bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
>
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
> is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
> adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Alternatively used to locate
> the user's thumb in enclosed work areas. Also see "Dammit
Tool" below
>
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
> well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
> bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
> parts. Especially useful for slicing body parts and work clothes, but
> only while wearing them.
>
> DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
> garage while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs.
It is also,
> most often, the next tool that you will need
>
>
 
New word

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
 
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