DJ Dep
refugee from the other place
HA! Good one Jeff!!! Sending that out to my inlaws 
Official joke of the day thread
- Thread starter big2bird
- Start date
Douglas Mariani
Well-known member
LMAOOOO Thats good Jeff
Douglas Mariani
Well-known member
Fireman Sam
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck" he said with admiration.
"Thanks," the little girl said. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar instead of it's testicles, I think it could run faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck" he said with admiration.
"Thanks," the little girl said. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar instead of it's testicles, I think it could run faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
saudivette
Clueless In Sandland
Damn! Spat coffee all over my keyboard :lol::lol:
MYBAD79
Moderator
big2bird
Charter Member, Founder Bird-Run, Cruise-In Bird-R
In an episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this. Now you know the rest of the story......
'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest ones at the back are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest an d weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
---
'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest ones at the back are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest an d weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
---
MYBAD79
Moderator
Try this out:
On your way home from work, stop at your
pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal
thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get
home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect
the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in
your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the
thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface
so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins .
Take out the literature from the box and read it
carefully you will notice that in small print there is a
statement:
' Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson
&Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized . '
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five
times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer
quality control department at Johnson &Johnson .'
HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS
SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS
THAN YOURS!
.........Remember, if you haven't got a smile on
your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are
just an old sour fart; Maybe you should go and work for
Johnson&Johnson!!!!!
On your way home from work, stop at your
pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal
thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get
home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect
the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in
your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the
thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface
so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins .
Take out the literature from the box and read it
carefully you will notice that in small print there is a
statement:
' Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson
&Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized . '
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five
times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer
quality control department at Johnson &Johnson .'
HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS
SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS
THAN YOURS!
.........Remember, if you haven't got a smile on
your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are
just an old sour fart; Maybe you should go and work for
Johnson&Johnson!!!!!
saudivette
Clueless In Sandland
Love it :lol::lol:
As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical
establishment.
For example, my internist referred me to a female
urologist. I saw her
yesterday and she is gorgeous. She's beautiful and
unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
I asked her why and she said, "Because I'm trying
to examine you..."
establishment.
For example, my internist referred me to a female
urologist. I saw her
yesterday and she is gorgeous. She's beautiful and
unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
I asked her why and she said, "Because I'm trying
to examine you..."
SmokinBBC
Well-known member
MYBAD79
Moderator
car wash at Hooters ???
Bullshark
Well-known member
Why marrying a good speller is important
My wife is in deep kimpshi......kimpshee.....kimchee.....kimchi .........I think she is in deep shit.
My wife is in deep kimpshi......kimpshee.....kimchee.....kimchi .........I think she is in deep shit.
Questions you just can't answer
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on........
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on........
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
JPhil
Huh?
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring The old man said, “No, I'd like to see something more special”. At that statement, The jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000”, the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We'll take it”.
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “By check”. “I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon”.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. “There's no money in that account”! “I know”, said the old man, “But let me tell you about my weekend”!
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “By check”. “I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon”.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. “There's no money in that account”! “I know”, said the old man, “But let me tell you about my weekend”!
saudivette
Clueless In Sandland
saudivette
Clueless In Sandland
saudivette
Clueless In Sandland
saudivette
Clueless In Sandland
Cherry
DREAD NAUGHT
AH YES, A farmer wanted to know why his wife had ten more percent brains than the cow, the wife acting insulted """WHY""? The farmer stated that when squeezing a woman's tets she would not shit on the floor. He now sleeps in the barn.
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes
later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few
minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming. 'What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the
customers!
''I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles.
'With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says. --------
You idiot! .....You're sitting on the mop bucket
later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few
minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming. 'What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the
customers!
''I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles.
'With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says. --------
You idiot! .....You're sitting on the mop bucket
