Official joke of the day thread

A Joke with a moral...
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.

He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.





One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the

Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.



Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.



The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.



The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their

chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.



Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.



The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . .



The moral of the story --

Pay your fu@!#n' bills. :shocking::bomb:
 
Hell is just a phone call away! (joke)
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies, " Since Obama took over , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
 
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Scotland. One
day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his
congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub &
sat down next to the woman.

"Miss MacDonald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my
congregation. Why don't you let me take you home."

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss MacDonald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back &
forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink & grabbed her
arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance & tumbled to the
floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of
Miss MacDonald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over & said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that
carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord & said, "But you don't
understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."

The landlord nodded & said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as
well finish."
 
Government Authority

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"
 
Off another vette forum....

Speaking of electric fences...
(This one is for you, MrPeabody)

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The electric fence hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of crap lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences… but Dad always had those pieces of {inappropriate language} chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perma-damp Ark-La-Tex River bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Dang!' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am - in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day… he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a {inappropriate language} now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)...

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things... I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
 
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica – where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:




"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Then, they kick him in the ice hole.
 
mrvette said:
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica – where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:




"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Then, they kick him in the ice hole.
Click to expand...

this is what happens to people who watch too much Happy Feet.

yet, you had me going lol
 
There are a lot of Somalians in my town now, mostly working at the big meat packing plant. The other day in the store several were in front of me in line just yakking away in Somali. I couldn't help myself--I blurted out, "You live in America now! Speak Spanish!!"
 
I asked the wife to buy me a new deordorant next time she went shopping, because the current one is getting low.
I normally use a roll on, but she mistakenly bought me a dry rub on of the same brand. Looks simular, and not wanting to give her a hard time, i gave it a try.
Directions say to remove the top and push up the bottom.
I now walk a little funny, but my farts now smell like a summer breeze.
 
Beagle 1 said:
I asked the wife to buy me a new deordorant next time she went shopping, because the current one is getting low.
I normally use a roll on, but she mistakenly bought me a dry rub on of the same brand. Looks simular, and not wanting to give her a hard time, i gave it a try.
Directions say to remove the top and push up the bottom.
I now walk a little funny, but my farts now smell like a summer breeze.
Click to expand...

:clap::clap::thumbs: Linda got a good laugh over that one.....:smash:
 
Pervert Call:

The phone rings, and the wife answers. A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight ass with no hair" Woman replies, "Yes I do, he's watching TV - whom shall I say is calling?"
:lol:
 
Traveler in Trouble.....

While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never
having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the
man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got
bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and
almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to
have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"

The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want; but
surgery is your only option."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes,
Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American
docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need
amputate!"


“Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.



“Yes", says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself!".
 
Stimulus "splained"

Really simple to understand once you catch on!!!



Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic
Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by
using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by
spending your stimulus check wisely:



If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will
go to China or Sri Lanka .


If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the
Arabs.


If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or
China .

If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico ,
Honduras and Guatemala ..

If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go
to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, ,or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard
sale and drink beer all day !


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
 
Darren wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office. But she was dating someone else.

One day Darren got so frustrated that he went to her and said I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you. The girl looked at him and then said, "NO!"

Darren said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.

So she called him and explained the situation. Her boy friend says, "Ask him for $200 and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down. Then give me a call."

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What happened?" Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
 
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