Official joke of the day thread

Prank phone call

The other day my phone rang

The person on the other end asked for John

I told him "There's no John here"

He said "It must be very smelly in your house"

:twitch:
 
Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year,
And every year Ed would say, "Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Norma always replied, "I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, "Norma, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Norma replied, "Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Ed replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Norma fell out, But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"
 
A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.... What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'

No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires .... Mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights.. Is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... Are 2 slices of crisp bacon!

'Oh... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.



The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'



'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!


:clap::shocking:
 
A man was walking down the
street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless
man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet,
extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy
some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago,"
the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf
course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!"
replied the homeless man.. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man,
"I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for
a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's
okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."
 
Obama goes to hell

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy in a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door.

Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton , lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky , doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said........... "OK, Monica , you're free to go."
 
The Salesman...
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.
It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar
in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse
magazine tucked under his arm.


Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"


Little boy: "What the Fu@k do you think?"
 
Not sure if this one has been posted. If it has, I apologize:

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter
the donkey in another race.



The next day the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS

ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where

it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.


The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is ... . . being
concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and
misery . . even shorten your
life. So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a nice day!
 
Loving wife......

Letter to husband -" My darling husband, Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but fortunately the pick up came to a halt when it bumped into your car. I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture of the damage for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again. Your loving wife. XXX P.S. Your girlfriend called."
 
So Jane asks Tarzan if He knows what sex is
He asks, "what sex?". So she explains the mechanics and asks if he's ever done that. Tarzan says, "yes, with hole in tree".

Jane says, "no, no, no, this is where you're supposed to do it", and lays down on the ground with her legs spread open, gesturing Tarzan to mount her.

So Tarzan approaches, raises his right foot, and smashes down on her crotch as hard as he can. After several minutes of Jane rolling around and writhing in pain, she finally asks,

"Dear god, why in the world did you do that?"


To which Tarzan replies, "Check for squirrels." :withstupid::hissyfit:
 
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office....
and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.
'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister.
'And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to play golf as often as we can.
You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'



'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed.
'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister.
'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
'You must tell me all about it!'



'Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life.
I creamed it.
The sweetest swing I ever made.



And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'



'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother.
'How unfortunate!
But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister.
'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'



'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister.
'And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'



'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'



Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...



'You missed the fu@king putt, didn't you?':hissyfit:
 
437369_700b.jpg
 
THE BLONDES ARE BACK!

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed
listening to the next door neighbor's dog..
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed
and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
what have you been doing?"

The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work
on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lynn was nailing down house siding,
would reach into her nail
pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it
over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, '
Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of them have the head on the wrong end
& I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did you hear about the two blondes
who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency
room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor.. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
off your finger?'

'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &
then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...

I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor..

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00
to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a
loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
trigger.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad
hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the
tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started
blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little
harder, & still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


A blonde was shopping at Target &
came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos......
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'
So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things
cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied......
'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

+++++++++++++

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies,
'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says,
'Why don't you go home for the
day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here.
I need to keep my mind off it &
I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde.
'I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too!'

Blondes Are The Best!!!
 
WHY ETHEL CHANGED MOTELS
Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 60th birthday and she was a bit lonely.
She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts
and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for
a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical
skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick
wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain
she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck,
nobody will ever know... I'll just give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she
would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great
massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I must be
straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex... I want it hot,
and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've
got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in
chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I am ready!! Now how
does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line." :bounce:
 
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol... Dead .

The second worm in cigarette smoke... Dead .

Third worm in chocolate syrup... Dead .

Fourth worm in good clean soil... Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service!
 
And she gets the last word




An old man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there as a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”.
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone’s relief he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at his funeral. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”.

The wife said “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won’t ask for directions.”
 
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