Official joke of the day thread

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
 
What's the difference between a women's 'G' spot and a golf ball? A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.
 
On a really hot day, a penguin takes his car to a mechanic. The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes."
So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there, he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream.
Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the mechanic.
With ice cream all over his face and his stomach, he asks, "So how's my car?" The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, I was just eating ice cream."
 
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
 
A woman is talking to her husband. She asks: "If I died, would you meet someone else?"

He replies: "I don't see why not."

She says: "Would she sleep in our bed?"

"Probably, yes," he answers.

His wife asks: "Would you play golf with her?"

He replies: "Yes, I think so."

"And would she use my clubs?"

Her husband replies: "No, she's left-handed."
 
Q: What is the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player?

A: A hockey player showers after 3 periods.
 
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in
astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
 
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to
be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The
conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their
sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their
men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at
the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a
leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of
it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and
stiletto heels.. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love
on his desk right then and there!'
The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story!
When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in
a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was
so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move
up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of
planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at
Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best
perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter
belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off
with a black mask, ready for action. When my husband got home from
work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled "Hey,
Batman, what's for dinner?"
 
In parochial school, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you my dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they go to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to this date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
 
Jose and Carlos are panhandlers. They panhandle in different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2 to $3 dollars every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do. How do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlos' sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.."
Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."
Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"
Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico ."
 
Huge Advantage . . . if you are a Muslim

When you change your wife, you can still keep the same photo on your office desk.


MarriedtoaMuslim.jpg
 
Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Jerry the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your
spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital,
he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like
he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street,
he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new
beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store & thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'


He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see.. size 44 long.'

Jerry laughed,
'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!'
the tailor said.

Jerry tried on the suit and it fit perfectly.

As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
'How about a new shirt?'

Jerry thought for a moment
and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Jerry and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Jerry was surprised,
'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Jerry tried on the shirt
and it fit perfectly.

Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
'How about some new underwear?'

Jerry thought for a moment
and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Jerry laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell
of a headache.'





New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
 
everyday at 4:00 a group from a construction site drink beer at a watering hole across the street.
every day.
for a few years.
each day they ask the Muslim bartender to "pour us some beers Raghead"...

finally, after many years the bartender says "listen fellas...I like you and appreciate the business, but I'd like you to know what it feels like to be called names"..."one of you get behind the bar and I show you"

one gruff redneck good 'ole boy does.

The Muslim man says "hey redneck-cracker-whiteass honkey...pour me a beer"

the construction worker, now temp bar tender says:

"Sorry man...we don't serve Ragheads"
 
I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in:
She said: Cheque books.


The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.


Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.


Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.


Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!


Q: What's the difference between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings you into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.


Q: Singh enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again. Why?
A: Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.

What's the difference between a good secretary and a personal secretary?
One says "Good morning, boss".
The other says "It's morning, boss."
 
It was entertainment night at the senior center, and the amazing Claude was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced that unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, he intended to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

I want each one of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch, it 's been in my family for six generations.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...

The crowd was mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor breaking into a hundred pieces...

'SHIT!' said the hypnotist...

It took three days to clean up the senior center
 
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

When you are over sixty-five who gives a sh*t............
***********


This a**hole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out.

When you are over sixty-five who gives a sh*t?
***********


I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

When you are over sixty-five who gives a sh*t?
***********


I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

When you are over sixty-five who gives a sh*t?
***********


I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you are over sixty-five who gives a sh*t?
***********


I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

When you are over sixty-five who gives a sh*t?
****************
 
Levels Of Stress

You pick up a hitchhiker... A beautiful girl.
Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to the hospital.
Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and
congratulate you that you're going to be a father.
You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.
This is getting very stressful!

You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed,
The doctor says the test shows you're infertile,
And probably have been since birth.
You're extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home.

Now that is STRESS.......:suicide:
 
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