Official joke of the day thread

Law vs. Psychology

A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied in a loud voice:
" NO I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the guy,
He was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh:

"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking,
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered to her:
"I study law, and I know how to screw people".
 
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly. The morgue needed someone
to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter
and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long
time members of a hunt camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said,
'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician
rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'

The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm
the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty
well burnt up, Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said,
'No, it ain't Stanley .'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two
ass-holes.'

'What! He had two ass-holes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Stanley with them
two ass-holes.
 
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her
parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against
the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a
piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and
tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a
puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her
door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger
waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.


"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming
Sister," he replied.

"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."
 
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.



After all the background checks, interviews
and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one
of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.



"We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room
you will find your wife sitting in a chair.....kill her !!!"


The man said “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot
my wife”. The agent said, “Then you are not the right
man for this job. Take your wife and go home".

The second man was given the same
instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet
for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes,
"I tried, but I can’t kill my wife."

The agent said, “You don’t have what it
takes, so take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on
the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened
slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.



“This gun is loaded with blanks”, she said. “I had to kill him with the chair”
 
A drunk man sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie
was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick. He smelled awful,
and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the man
turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living; being with
cheap, wicked women; too much alcohol; contempt for your fellow man;
sleeping around with prostitutes; and lack of bathing."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," then returned to
his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does."
 
Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?


Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?


Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?


Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?


EVER WONDER...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe,why do they call the airport the terminal?
 
A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’”

Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him.

Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’”

“Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”
 
The table sheds light on just how difficult it can be for a foreigner to understand what the British really mean when they're speaking – especially for those who take every word at face value.

Phrases that prove the trickiest to decipher include 'you must come for dinner' which foreigners tend to take as a direct invitation but is actually said out of politeness by many Britons and often does not result in an invite.

The table also reveals that when a person from Britain begins a sentence "with the greatest respect….....' they actually mean 'I think you are an idiot'.


WHAT THE BRITISH SAY, WHAT THE BRITISH MEAN, WHAT FOREIGNERS UNDERSTAND

I hear what you say, I disagree and do not want to discuss it further, He accepts my point of view

With the greatest respect, You are an idiot, He is listening to me

That's not bad, That's good, That's poor

That is a very brave proposal, You are insane, He thinks I have courage

Quite good , A bit disappointing , Quite good

I would suggest , Do it or be prepared to justify yourself , Think about the idea, but do what you like

Oh, incidentally/ by the way , The primary purpose of our discussion is , That is not very important

I was a bit disappointed that, I am annoyed that , It doesn't really matter

Very interesting , That is clearly nonsense , They are impressed

I'll bear it in mind , I've forgotten it already , They will probably do it

I'm sure it's my fault , It's your fault , Why do they think it was their fault?

You must come for dinner , It's not an invitation, I'm just being polite , I will get an invitation soon

I almost agree , I don't agree at all , He's not far from agreement

I only have a few minor comments , Please rewrite completely , He has found a few typos

Could we consider some other options , I don't like your idea , They have not yet decided

The table points out that when Britons say 'I'm sure it's my fault', it actually means 'it's your fault'.
 
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The Australian Taxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

BOAT OWNER: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"
 
Airline Announcements:


United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people, we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!'

************ ********* ********* *******

On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.'

************ ********* ********* *******

'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

************ ********* ********* *******


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

************ ********* ********* *********

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

************ ********* ********* ********* ****

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

************ ********* ********* *******

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

************ ********* ********* *******

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo .... Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

************ ********* ********* *****

'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments. '

************ ********* ********* *****

'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses... except for that gentleman over there.'

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City.
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

************ ********* ********* ********* *

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

************ ********* ********* ********* *

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

************ ********* ********* ********* *

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

************ ********* ********* ********* *

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom; 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.... OH, MY GOD!'
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

************ ********* ********* ********* *

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

Boy! I WISH I COULD THINK THAT QUICKLY.
 
A handful of 7 year old children were asked,
'what they thought of beer.'

Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the
more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'

Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch
what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'

Grady - 'My Mom gets funny when she drinks it
and takes her top off at parties.'

Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer
and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other,
which is a good thing.'

Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets
his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.'

Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances.
One time he danced right into the pool.'

Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it,
he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'

Mary - 'I think beer tastes bitter and I don't like it. Mom likes it,
but she gets tired and leans on guys and they have to help her to the bedroom for a quick nap. When they come back, she is all perky
and happy, and the guys are all tired out.'

Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'

Brittney - 'I don't like beer, but mom says it helps you get
the guys you want, so I'll have to learn to like it.'

Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks
on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad
and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again,
but that doesn't make any sense.'

Fergie - 'My mom never drinks beer when dad is home, but
he sometimes does. Then she yells at him when it makes him
want to smooch. Mom only drinks beer when dad is away.
When it makes her want to smooch, she will do it with
everybody, even the Pizza guy, and he is weird.'

Alice - 'My sister told me you have to drink your own weight
in beer before you start to like it. She has some ways to go yet,
I think. The guys usually ignore her until they have had a whole
lot of beer, then they get nice and play with her.'

Brad - 'Beer tastes disgusting. My brother told me it makes you
think the girls are pretty. With his girlfriend I would need an
awful lot of beer.'
 
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard of people having 'Guts' or having 'Balls'. But, do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby!'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

Both are fatal:smash:
 
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