Official joke of the day thread

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning,FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
 
Blowjobs for Money
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!" :smash:
 
New Threat in Southern California!

Investigative sources in California say that radical Muslims plan to go on a rampage in the city of Los Angeles, killing anyone who is a U.S. citizen.

Police officials fear the death toll could be as high as 9.
 
“The Light Turned Yellow”
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed, the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.”

Priceless!!!
 
Four Retirees Visit A Bar
Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a
corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other and then go
in, thinking this is too good to be true.

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up
four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That's 10 cents each,
please."

The four guys stare at the
bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their
good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order
another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,"That's 40 cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their
curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and
haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar.
Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open
this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the
men says.

As the four of them sip at their
martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida.
They're waiting
for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they all have coupons."
 
~ Nine Essential Thoughts To Ponder ~


Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn you tomorrow.

...and as someone recently said to me:

Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.
 
Beer & Colonoscopy - joke
: Beer & Colonoscopy

It was my first time visiting Dr Putz for a ​ colonoscopy ​.​I went into his office for my first rectal exam.


His new blond nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room. ​ ​She told me to get


undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see ​ ​me. ​ ​She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on ​​the gown that she gave me I sat down. ​ While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:


A Tube of K-Y jelly,


A rubber glove


And a beer

When Dr. Putz finally came in I said, ​ ​"Look Doc", I'm a little confused ​. This is my first


exam. ​ I know what the ​ K-Y ​ is for, ​

And I know what ​the ​ ​glove is for,


But can you tell me what the ​ ​BEER is for?"


​ A​t that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.


He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse,

"Damn it, Evelyn ​!! ​ I said ​ a





BUTT LIGHT
 
JAPANESE SEX



A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:



Husband: Sukitaki.


Wife replies: Kowanini!


Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!


Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!


Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!





I cannot believe you just sat and tried to read this. As if you understand Japanese!


Unbelievable!! I knew you would read anything as long as it is about sex.


You seriously need help! :)
 
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.'
 
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both." The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
 
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"


She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it.""Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches,I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said, "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards"
 
If Carnac the Magnificent were alive today-

Answer- Saddam Hussein. Keebler Elf and Ray Nagin





Opening the envelope......



...........................................................






Question- A butcher , a baker and a license plate maker!!!
 
THE DEAD COW LECTURE

First-year students at the K-State Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid.
 
A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, Pick me up.'

He looked around but couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then kiss me
and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?"
I said, "Kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,


'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'
 
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! ..
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time'

The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell " Mississippi "





$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!
 
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