Official joke of the day thread

Growing up is a weird notion to wrap your mind around. As you go through life, your perspectives on almost everything will change. How you define success will change as well. Things that you thought were important at the age of 35 will be useless when you’re 65. You may not realize it now, but everything will shift.



At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.



At age 12 success is having friends.


At age 16 success is having a drivers license.


At age 20 success is having sex.

At age 35 success is having money.

At age 50 success is having money.

At age 60 success is having sex.


At age 70 success is having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is having friends.


At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.


It all comes full circle, whether you like it or not.
:smash::surrender:
 
SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.

FIVE OTHER SIMPLE TRUTHS:
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a
Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you
when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

Bonus Truth: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
 
Three dead bodies turn up at a mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate.

"First body," says the coroner, "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the smile,' says the Coroner.

"Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." he says.

The Police Inspector asked, '"So what about this third body?'"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why the broad grin, then?" inquires the Inspector.

"He thought he was having his picture taken".
 
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address etc.

And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re-phrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Lets try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an 'Elite' poultry farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year."

"Poultry Farmer it is " he says.
 
Breathalyzer (the written test)

10245925_1410281442574699_1661184564_n.jpg
 
Daddy's a gay dancer (joke)
Hopefully not a dupe.

DADDY IS A GAY DANCER

The fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a
living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman,
salesman... and so forth..

However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he replied.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his
clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.
Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and
stay with him all night for money.."


The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and took little Tommy
aside to ask him,

"Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and
helped to get Obama elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front
of the other kids.":smash::thumbs:
 
A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away, complaining and criticizing throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, at her arraignment, the judge asked what she had stolen from the store. The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches." The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store." The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine, but why do you care about that?"

The judge patiently said, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop the gavel, the lady's long suffering husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak.

The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?"

The husband said, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas”
 
How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your trucheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do ?

ANSWER:

British Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?

5) Am I dressed provocatively ?

6) Could I run away ?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself ?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ?


Canadian Police Officer:

BANG !

American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !


Glasgow Police Officer:


"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer a * * e!"
 
At breakfast, the husband says to his wife “What would you do if I won the Lotto?”

“ I’d take half and leave you” she says.

“Great” he says. “Here $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch”.
 
Lessons for Living a Full Life….!

.20 TOP ZEN TEACHINGS

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you pass wind.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... And most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse - then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
 
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'.
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot. '
'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. '
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'.
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'.
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers. '.
'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'.
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion. '.
The guy looks at the $ 200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'.
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $ 20, just make the guy an offer.! '.
The guy offers $ 20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'.
'What are you talking about,?'. asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'.
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'.
'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over. '.
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'.

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.! '.

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day!
 
I was driving my "Vette yesterday, a little too fast as usual and I ended up rear ending the car in front of me. The driver gets out and he is a dwarf. He said to me "I'm not Happy" to which I replied "Which one are you?"
 
How to start a fight

HOW TO START A FIGHT


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started........
 
Good one Fred.......


>
>
> This is what happens when you ask for help with an
> erection lasting
> more than 4 hours?
>
>
>
> I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male
> pharmacist. The
> woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist
> and as she
> and her sister owned the store, there were no male
> employees.
>
>
>
> She then asked if she could help me.
>
>
>
> I said that it was something that I would be much more
> comfortable
> discussing with a male pharmacist.
>
>
>
> The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely
> professional
> and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be
> confident that
> she would treat me with a high level of
> professionalism.
>
>
>
> I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, This is tough
> for me to
> discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than
> four hours. It
> causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I
> was wondering
> what you could give me for it.
>
>
>
> The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk
> to my
> sister"..
>
>
>
> When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at
> length and this
> is the absolute best we can do :...
>
> 1/3 ownership in the store,
>
> ...a company pickup truck,
>
> ...a king size bed and
>
> ...$3,000 a month in living expenses"
>
>
:smash::smash::thumbs:
 
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES?

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get
a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 
"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the wretched crop:
.. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
 
from over 'there'.....

nother chapter of "they walk among us and
HELLO, OPERATOR


>


> ANOTHER CHAPTER OF "THEY WALK AMONG US AND


> REPRODUCE


>


> Actual call center conversations!


>


> Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'


> Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'


> Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'


> Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'


> ----------------------------------------------------------------------


> Samsung Electronics


>


> Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'


> Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'


> Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'


> Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'


> ----------------------------------------------------------------------


> RAC Motoring Services


>


> Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I


> am traveling in Australia ?'


> Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?'


> ----------------------------------------------------------------------


> Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe)


> 'If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'


> ----------------------------------------------------------------------


> Directory Enquiries


>


> Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'


> Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'


> Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'


> ----------------------------------------------------------------------


> Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.


> Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'


> Caller: 'Yes.. That's what it says on the label --


> Woven in Scotland ...'


> ----------------------------------------------------------------------


> On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a


> phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm


> steaming up the window to write the number on.'


> ----------------------------------------------------------------------


> Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'


> Customer: 'OK..'


> Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'


> Customer: 'No.'


> Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'


> Customer: 'No.'


> Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up


> until this point?'


> Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'


> ----------------------------------------------------------------------


> Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen,


> can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'


> Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'


> ----------------------------------------------------------------------


> Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I


> need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my


> file back again?'


> ----------------------------------------------------------------------


> This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording


> monitoring the customer care department..............


> Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'


>


> Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.


> (Now I know why they record these conversations!):


>


> Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'


> Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .'


> Operator: 'What sort of trouble?'


> Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'


> Operator: 'Went away?'


> Caller: 'They disappeared'


> Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'


> Caller: 'Nothing.'


> Operator: 'Nothing??'


> Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'


> Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'


> Caller: 'How do I tell?'


> Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'


> Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'


> Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the


> screen?'


> Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'


> Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'


> Caller: 'What's a monitor?'


> Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.


> Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'


> Caller: 'I don't know.'


> Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find


> where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'


> Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'


> Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's


> plugged into the wall..


> Caller: 'Yes, it is.'


> Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that


> there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '


> Caller: 'No.'


> Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again


> and find the other cable.'


> Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'


> Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely


> into the back of your computer..'


> Caller: 'I can't reach.'


> Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'


> Caller: 'No...'


> Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and


> lean way over?'


> Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'


> Operator: 'Dark?'


> Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is


> coming in from the window.'


> Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'


> Caller: 'I can't..'


> Operator: 'No? Why not?'


> Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'


> Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it


> licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals


> and packing stuff that your computer came in?'


> Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'


> Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack


> it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back


to the store you bought it from.'


> Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'


> Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'


> Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'


> Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!


:surrender::eek:
 
The Water Trick

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing.
It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Latest posts

Back
Top