Official joke of the day thread
- Thread starter big2bird
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BangkokDean
Well-known member
BangkokDean
Well-known member
BangkokDean
Well-known member
The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorageman answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.
Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."
"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.
Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."
"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
BangkokDean
Well-known member
What Aisle is the Polish Sausage in?
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days................
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy , clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days................
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy , clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
BangkokDean
Well-known member
Today's Common Sense Quote:
"A liberal paradise would be a place where everybody has guaranteed employment, free comprehensive healthcare, free education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free utilities, and only law enforcement has guns.
And believe it or not, such a place does, indeed, exist: It's called prison."
~Sheriff Joe Arpaio Maricopa County Sheriff's Office
"A liberal paradise would be a place where everybody has guaranteed employment, free comprehensive healthcare, free education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free utilities, and only law enforcement has guns.
And believe it or not, such a place does, indeed, exist: It's called prison."
~Sheriff Joe Arpaio Maricopa County Sheriff's Office
BangkokDean
Well-known member
"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that love using words in rather unique ways, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless"
A competition to see who can come up with the best one is held every year.
This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping Centre, you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the wretched crop:
Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
A competition to see who can come up with the best one is held every year.
This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping Centre, you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the wretched crop:
Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
BangkokDean
Well-known member
How to tell if your dog is involved in a sex scandal
BangkokDean
Well-known member
A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said....
"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said....
"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
BangkokDean
Well-known member
NAG NAG NAG An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a
shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by
the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of
her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR
THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a
shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by
the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of
her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR
THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
The president and the queen
Barry Obama met The Queen, and he turns round and says:
"As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom". To which the Queen replies, "I'm sorry Mr Obama, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
Obama thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?", to which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Obama".
Obama thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little T'ed off by now replied " Sorry again, Mr Obama, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."
Before Obama could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country".
Barry Obama met The Queen, and he turns round and says:
"As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom". To which the Queen replies, "I'm sorry Mr Obama, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
Obama thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?", to which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Obama".
Obama thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little T'ed off by now replied " Sorry again, Mr Obama, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."
Before Obama could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country".
MYBAD79
Moderator
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just Wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."
Best explanation I've heard yet.
Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just Wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."
Best explanation I've heard yet.
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
The last line says it all...
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone
and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is
for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia
and talks for 5 minutes.
When he is finished
the devil informs him
that the cost is a million dollars,
so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England
and talks for 30 minutes.
When she is finished
the devil informs her
that the cost is 6 million dollars,
so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn
and talks for 4 hours.
When he is finished
the devil informs him
that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic
and asks the devil why Bush
got to call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies,
"Since Obama took over,
the country has gone to hell,
so it's a local call."
:devil:
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone
and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is
for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia
and talks for 5 minutes.
When he is finished
the devil informs him
that the cost is a million dollars,
so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England
and talks for 30 minutes.
When she is finished
the devil informs her
that the cost is 6 million dollars,
so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn
and talks for 4 hours.
When he is finished
the devil informs him
that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic
and asks the devil why Bush
got to call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies,
"Since Obama took over,
the country has gone to hell,
so it's a local call."
:devil:
BangkokDean
Well-known member
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical
Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,
"That's about average up our way, folks... like I said … my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks .... so how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?" "He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised."
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical
Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,
"That's about average up our way, folks... like I said … my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks .... so how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?" "He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised."
BangkokDean
Well-known member
BangkokDean
Well-known member
Do you have a Mexican maid?
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk To her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora....The gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk To her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora....The gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
BangkokDean
Well-known member
Marriage after 1 year, after 5 years& after 25 years...
click on link below
http://www.safeshare.tv/w/fQKuZiFaLA
click on link below
http://www.safeshare.tv/w/fQKuZiFaLA
BangkokDean
Well-known member
BangkokDean
Well-known member
Top Ten Country Western Songs
10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body but Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman but I Woke Up with a Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Just Like Having You Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss the Lips at Night That Chewed My Ass All Day
10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body but Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman but I Woke Up with a Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Just Like Having You Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss the Lips at Night That Chewed My Ass All Day
