Official joke of the day thread

Pilot and the Priest





A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is
a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ' Who are you, so that I may know
whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'

The guy replies, I’m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this
silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.'

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father
Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton
robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.™

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a
silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached -
people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'
 
From Walford on CF OT.......

A little light-loafered comedy. The gay flight attendant.
On my flight back from Texas we had this flamingly gay flight attendant. I mean, he was three-snaps-in-a-Z-formation gay. But he was funny and high-spirited and made everyone on the plane comfortable.

As we approached the airport, Blaine (his name was "Blaine") got on the speaker and said, "Hey, the captain has informed me that we're making our final approach, so if you could all put your tray tables up that would be super! Thanks so much!"

As Blaine came down the cabin to check on everyone, a Muslim woman wearing full hijab still had her tray down. Blaine told her, "Sweetie, we need your tray table up before landing, okay?"

The woman said, "In my country, I am known as a princess. I take orders from no one."

Blaine put his hand on his hip and said, "Honey, in my country I'm known as a queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, bitch."


:drink:
 
DATING IN THE 60s. -- Remember those days ?
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and James had a date with Annabella.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Annabella's mother said as she welcomed James.

'Have a seat in the sitting room.
Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Tea?'

'Tea, please,' James said. Mum brought the tea.
'So, what are you and Annabella planning to do tonight?' she asked interestedly.

'Oh, probably go to the flicks and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the coffee bar, perhaps have a walk on the beach afterwards.'

'Annabella likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.

'Really?' James gasped, surprised to say the least. 'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked James, incredulously.
' Oh yes,' she said.

'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Phew! Well, thanks for the tip!' James said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.

A moment later, Annabella came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.

She greeted James.

'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Annabella burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mum!' she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen.

'The bloody dance is called the ....Twist!'
 
Hunting Dogs


Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my
Dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any
Ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.
Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out
There."
Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl
Doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says,
"I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out there! Where did
You get that dog"?
Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want
One, you can get one from him".
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his
Friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it
To go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in
Its mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a
Fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he
Sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth
And started humping his leg.
The breeder says, "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you there
Are more f..king ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!
 
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her
class,
"Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one
answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that!" "I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go
and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs.
Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework, and
Three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
 
Funny, it's ok to make jokes about Catholics, the Pope, Jews, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish etc etc,
But its insensitive to make jokes about Muslims.
The sooner we are all on same level playing field the better.


1. If you refine heroin for a living,
But you have a moral objection to liquor,
You may be a Muslim.

2. If you own a £3,000 machine gun and a £5,000 rocket launcher,
But you can't afford shoes,
You may be a Muslim.

3. If you have more wives than teeth,
You may be a Muslim.

4. If you wipe your ass with your bare hand
But consider bacon to be unclean,
You may be a Muslim.

5. If you think vests come in two styles:
Bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. If you can't think of anyone
You haven't declared jihad against,
You may be a Muslim.

7. If you consider television dangerous
But routinely carry explosives in your clothing,
You may be a Muslim.

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones
Have uses other than setting off roadside bombs,
You may be a Muslim.

9. If you have nothing against women
And think every man should own at least four,
You may be a Muslim.
Road trip in a bus - 2 min video
Insane, completely insane!
 
A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might mean a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he got his energy and courage together enough to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was: "Get well soon from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."

Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?:crylol:
 
"SURVIVED BY HIS WIFE"

Comedian Alan King delivers his funny monologue about how men die younger than women
and offers up the phrase from obituaries “Survived By Wife” as proof.
Alan died in 2004 at the age of 76 and he was survived by his wife of 57 years,
Jeanette. It appears he was correct after all as he was “Survived By Wife”.
If you enjoyed this you might also like to watch Till Death Do Us Apart.


[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXwqoblFlEU[/ame]
 
Always Proof read your emails before you send them out.....

Subject: Sorry




A man received a message from his neighbour ...:


"Sorry sir I am using your wife...I am using day and night ...I am


using when you are not present at home....



In fact I am using more than you are using.....



I confess this because now I feel very much guilt...



Hope you will accept my sincere apologies "









... And the man shot his wife.......








A few minutes later he received another message:


Sorry sir, spelling mistake ... wifi not wife.
 
Chicago schools are finally teaching practical math that kids can use in real-world situations:

1. Lajames have an AK-47 with a 200-round clip. He usually misses 6 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive- by shooting. How many moos can Lajames ice on a drive-by before he gotta reload?

2. Willie have 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sell an 8 ball to Antonio for
$320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his stuff?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 hos. If the price be $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day crack habit?

4. Raoul want to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make so he get the 20% upside?

5. Ray-Ray get $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1000 for a 4 x 4. If he steal 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to make the 10k for his brother's bail?

7. If an average can of spray paint cover 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz.cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his gang. What be the percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

9. Lafawnda is a lookout for the gang. Lafawnda also have a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Lafawnda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week's income?

10. Pedro got 6 years for murder, but he also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he get out?

11. Marvin he steal D'Shawna's skate board. As Marvin skate away at 15 mph, D'Shawna he load his .357 Magnum piece. If it take D'Shawna 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he get whacked?
 
Murphy goes to Mass

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest
almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya
decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A
while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know
that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every
Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured
he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after
Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya
didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments,

I decided that I didn't
need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big
smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you
would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about

'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat.
 
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburettor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO.......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'
 
An oldie…BUT GOODIE!
THE WOMAN POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart, and strong. One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks. One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh, send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean. I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
THE MAN POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnastic nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking.This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
 
One more oldie but goodies

A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a dank and dirty bar.
Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was a Marine F-4 driver, flying off carriers back in ' Nam , but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well.I learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am".
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try?

The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played?
It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said.
After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself."
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.
After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the restroom.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey fly boy, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
 
Probably apocryphal, but fun: The Canadians know how to handle complaints. Here is an example of "political correctness" gone LARKING. [A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter. She received back the following reply]: National Defense Headquarters M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg.., 15 NT 101 Colonel By Drive Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2 Canada Dear Concerned Citizen, Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa . You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place them in homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under those citizens personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling, however, we strongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers. Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbours or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take him while helping him adjust to life in our country. Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually, since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands.. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him. You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter. You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counsellor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture. Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. Good luck and God bless you. Cordially, Gordon O'Connor Minister of National Defense
 
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