BangkokDean
Well-known member
"Sal Monella" tells the story of Twas The Night Before Christmas
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3fgRV5N_qQ[/ame]
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3fgRV5N_qQ[/ame]
Official joke of the day thread
- Thread starter big2bird
- Start date
BangkokDean
Well-known member
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
"Not yet," says the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussycat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"
"Not yet," says the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussycat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
A Man Brings His Best Buddy...........
.............home for dinner, unannounced, at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married." :smash::rofl:
.............home for dinner, unannounced, at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married." :smash::rofl:
BangkokDean
Well-known member
Subject: Diaper logic
Okay, here's the reason why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies", while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".
When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.
When old people poop in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will.
There now, wasn't that simple?
Okay, here's the reason why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies", while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".
When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.
When old people poop in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will.
There now, wasn't that simple?
BangkokDean
Well-known member
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
BangkokDean
Well-known member
AGE IS A WONDERFUL THING
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried
to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the
cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
_____________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement
home. She holds
her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
guess what's in
my hand can have sex with me tonight!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately,
their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a
long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just
stared and glared at her. Finally she said,
"How soon do you need to know?"
_____________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way
on M25. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
them!"
_____________________________________
SUPERSEX
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and
down the halls in a nursing home.
As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex."
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown
at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll
take the soup."
_____________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to
major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be
losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a
few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was
red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger
seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really
concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they
went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred,
did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You
could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried
to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the
cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
_____________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement
home. She holds
her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
guess what's in
my hand can have sex with me tonight!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately,
their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a
long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just
stared and glared at her. Finally she said,
"How soon do you need to know?"
_____________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way
on M25. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
them!"
_____________________________________
SUPERSEX
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and
down the halls in a nursing home.
As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex."
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown
at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll
take the soup."
_____________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to
major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be
losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a
few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was
red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger
seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really
concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they
went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred,
did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You
could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
BangkokDean
Well-known member
GRAMMA'S WISDOM
My grandmother died in the 60s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce.
The long walks we used to take to the shop in town, the 5c she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the driveway. Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13.
We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 coke bottles for the deposit money, on a beautiful spring day.
She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my
own family. 'And always remember this,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.'
'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.
She answered in her soft upper-class voice. 'Makes your dick look bigger.'
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?:chinese:
My grandmother died in the 60s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce.
The long walks we used to take to the shop in town, the 5c she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the driveway. Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13.
We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 coke bottles for the deposit money, on a beautiful spring day.
She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my
own family. 'And always remember this,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.'
'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.
She answered in her soft upper-class voice. 'Makes your dick look bigger.'
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?:chinese:
BangkokDean
Well-known member
Ten Catholic Priests were killed in a car accident .When they arrived at the pearly gates St. Peter said "Any of you pedophiles can fuck off down the road to Hell".
As nine of the priest started to walk away he said " and take this deft bastard with you".:tth:
As nine of the priest started to walk away he said " and take this deft bastard with you".:tth:
BangkokDean
Well-known member
*An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old
man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat. He
walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there,
brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger
stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand anda bottle of whiskey in
the other.*
*The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old
man, have you ever danced?"*
*The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance .
. . never really wanted to."*
*A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old
fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.*
*The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping
around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be
tied.*
*When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still
laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.*
*The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled
shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through
the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young
gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The
silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared
at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.*
*The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands,as he
quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"*
*The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir. But I've always wanted
to."*
*There are a few lessons for us all here:*
*Never be arrogant.*
*Don't waste ammunition.*
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.*
*Always, always make sure you know who has the power.*
*Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.*
*I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?*
man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat. He
walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there,
brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger
stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand anda bottle of whiskey in
the other.*
*The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old
man, have you ever danced?"*
*The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance .
. . never really wanted to."*
*A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old
fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.*
*The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping
around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be
tied.*
*When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still
laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.*
*The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled
shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through
the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young
gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The
silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared
at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.*
*The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands,as he
quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"*
*The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir. But I've always wanted
to."*
*There are a few lessons for us all here:*
*Never be arrogant.*
*Don't waste ammunition.*
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.*
*Always, always make sure you know who has the power.*
*Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.*
*I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?*
BangkokDean
Well-known member
When is drunk too drunk?
Two buddies, Fred and Barney, were getting very drunk at a bar when
suddenly Barney throws up all over himself. "Oh, no... Now my wife will
kill me!"
Fred says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your shirt pocket
and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty
dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Barney stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a tough
time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself!
My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Barney says,
"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink.
I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got sick on me......he had
one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said he's was berry
sorry an' stuck twentie bucks in my breast pocketfor the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the shirt pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks..."
"Oh, yeah....... I almos' fergot. He shhhit in my pants, too."
Two buddies, Fred and Barney, were getting very drunk at a bar when
suddenly Barney throws up all over himself. "Oh, no... Now my wife will
kill me!"
Fred says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your shirt pocket
and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty
dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Barney stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a tough
time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself!
My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Barney says,
"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink.
I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got sick on me......he had
one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said he's was berry
sorry an' stuck twentie bucks in my breast pocketfor the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the shirt pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks..."
"Oh, yeah....... I almos' fergot. He shhhit in my pants, too."
BangkokDean
Well-known member
The banker saw his old friend, Tom, an eighty-year old fisherman, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a deck hand to help him out on the boat, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
"How's the new wife?", asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Good - she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued,
"And how's the deck hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too."
Don't ever underestimate us old guys....
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a deck hand to help him out on the boat, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
"How's the new wife?", asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Good - she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued,
"And how's the deck hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too."
Don't ever underestimate us old guys....
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocke t, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
BangkokDean
Well-known member
He Needs a Drink
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".
"Yeah, my wife..."
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".
"Yeah, my wife..."
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a.........
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
12. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
6. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
7. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
8. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
9. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
10. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
11. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
12. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
13. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
14. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a.........
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
12. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
6. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
7. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
8. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
9. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
10. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
11. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
12. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
13. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
14. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
BangkokDean
Well-known member
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the lamppost.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the length and depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the lamppost.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the length and depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
BangkokDean
Well-known member
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are 57 years old also. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman, who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference -
18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are 57 years old also. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman, who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference -
18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
BangkokDean
Well-known member
What sheep herders in Wales do when they're bored.
Clever men with a lot of sheep and a lot of time on their hands!
A lot of time, patience, and effort went into making this. (And no PETA)
http://www.wimp.com/sheeplight/
(turn up sound)
Clever men with a lot of sheep and a lot of time on their hands!
A lot of time, patience, and effort went into making this. (And no PETA)
http://www.wimp.com/sheeplight/
(turn up sound)
BangkokDean
Well-known member
Where to Meet
Where to Meet
A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.
Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.
Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.
Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.
Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.
Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.
Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.
Where to Meet
A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.
Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.
Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.
Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.
Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.
Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.
Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.
BangkokDean
Well-known member
There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:
"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness ..."
I said "Come in and sit down."
I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Buggered if I know, I've never got this far before."
I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:
"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness ..."
I said "Come in and sit down."
I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Buggered if I know, I've never got this far before."
