Official joke of the day thread

Two Black dudes were sitting at a bar. One of them says, "Every time I have sex with a White woman, my face feels hot, my eyes get red, and tears roll down my cheeks."

The other one says, "Yeah, me too."

First one: "Must be the pepper spray...." :bump:
 
A girl is standing at The Gates of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.

She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"

He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."

She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell."

St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."

She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that." :smash:
 
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't. "
 
There were these two black guys sitting at a bar in a club, and a gay guy comes up and puts his arm around both of them and says, "Who wants a blow job?"

Both of the black guys got up and beat the living shit out of him.

When they sat back down at the bar the bartender asks why did they beat him up.

One of the black guys said, "I don't know, he said something about jobs."
 
The guys at the barber shop asked me what actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.

I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.:surrender:
 
A Zebra dies and goes to Heaven...

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him and informs him that all newcomers to heaven are allowed a single question to ask of The Almighty.

Pete gestures to a magnificent pedestal nearby and says to Zebra, "just step up there and ask away."

Zebra walks over to the pedestal and nervously steps on. The pedestal immediately illuminates with blinding light and a booming voice from above echoes, "WHAT TRUTH DOES THY SEEK MY CHILD?"

Zebra looks up and says "Well, God, i've always wanted to know.. am i black with white stripes? or am i white with black stripes?

The voice echoes again. "YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE." then the light fades.
Zebra looks at St. Peter inquisitively.

Pete says "you're clearly white with black stripes.."
Zebra, "how do you know that??"
Pete, "well if you were black with white stripes, God would have said 'YOU IS WHAT YOU IS'
 
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.


Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.



Not many people know this.
 
WISDOM OF AN OLDER MAN!
Smile, Regardless of Age or Gender You Know It's True…
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. ''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''
 
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."
 
The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year.... Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves... And begin to sing: "What A Friend We Have In Jesus." Then we all go to the Bahamas ."
 
Scientist jokes.....

An electron and a positron go into a bar.
Positron: "Your round."
Electron: "Are you sure?"
Positron: "I'm positive."


A chemistry teacher is recruited as a radio operator in the Great War. He soon becomes familiar with the military habit of abbreviating everything. As his unit comes under sustained attack, he is ordered to quickly inform headquarters.
"NaCl over NaOH! NaCl over NaOH!" he sends.
"NaCl over NaOH? What does that mean?" his officer demands.
"The base is under a salt!" came the reply.


A blowfly goes into a bar and asks: "Is that stool taken?"


An old monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. He asks to go to the basement vaults of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Much later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says, "The word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"


What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.


A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees. The patient says: "A man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: "That's also a man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst says: "You are obsessed with sex." The patient says: "What do you mean I am obsessed? You are the one with all the dirty pictures.''


What is a physicist's favourite food? Fission chips.


A labourer walks into a bar and goes to order. The scientist in front of him says to the barman: "I've had a tough day, can I have a glass of H20 please?"
The barman hands him his drink and the scientist happily sips away.
Not wanting to seem stupid, the labourer says to the barman: "Yeah, can I have a glass of H20 too please?"
His funeral's tomorrow.


Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?" Gödel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."
 
SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE HUMOR
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said, "You're pulling my leg."
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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt!
Do you think I should change dentists?
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A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back."
He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."
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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening."
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The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I went back to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
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At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day.
I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa! Who knew?
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One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells.
It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.
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There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.
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A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a mustache."
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Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk,
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
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The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan.
I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
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So how do you know if you've walked into a Gay bar?

When a gentleman walks up to you and asks if he can push your stool in for you... You look down, and see that it's bolted to the floor...

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Was reading in the paper this morning... Headlines were "woman beats off rapist"! And i wondered... Was that a compromise?

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I used to think I was really good in bed, then I found out my girlfriend was just epileptic.

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You can say a lot of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

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I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"
Next thing I know 4,000 f....g Muslims have added me as a friend.

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Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with a piece of cardboard.... Pillow fight I guess!

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Why do they sterilize the needle for a lethal injection? Looks like they could save us some money and use the same one over and over!

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Apparently tipping the strippers that have fake boobs with monopoly money is not acceptable! I thought fake was fake.
 
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