Official joke of the day thread

An old man was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realized she was COMMANDO. (Pantyless)

She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

“Yes, I’m sorry," he replied and promised to avert his eyes.

"It’s quite all right," she replied, "It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the vagina blew him a kiss.

The old man was completely astounded and inquired what else it could do.

"I can also make it wink," she replied. The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him.

"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat. He moved over and she asked, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, he asked, “You’re shittin' me, you mean it can whistle, too?”
 
THE MORE YOU READ THE FUNNIER IT GETS......COULDN'T DECIDE WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CRY.
$5.37!
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.
Having already handed the
kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change
when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
"Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?
A mere child!
Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.
Was he blind?
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought.
I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter,
and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something
and jingled it in front of me,
like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now?
A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind!


"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now?
I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus:
The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,
relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.
That is when I
felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!
My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito,
only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,
and strode back into the restaurant one final time.
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.
All I could think was,
"What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?
At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,
and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue.
I walked back out to the truck,
and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.
He was holding up a drink and a bag.
His mother explained,
"I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words:
"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.
Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.
And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.
I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.
I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.



P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!!
 
1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years

Interesting Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.


Interesting Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Lesson to be learned:

The next time Prince Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.
 
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress -taking an order at a nearby table - suddenly noticed the man slowly
sliding down his chair and under the table - but the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight
under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit odd and worried that it might offend other
diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman,
"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in…”
 
Attn. Seniors: A New Wine Before Bed
A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep.

New wine for seniors, I kid you not.....

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as..........................................



























...................Pino More


I know............facepalm........
 
Frozen Windows

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open.

"Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.

"Wife texts back five minutes later: "Computer totally fucked up now.":cussing:
 
MURDER AT WALMART
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy
marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out
a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary
and then arranging to have her killed.


A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-
side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained
to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was
$10,000.


The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he
wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up
front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill
that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly
agreed to accept the note as down payment for the dirty deed.


A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local
Walmart supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department
and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor
unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the
manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder
scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no
choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.


However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured
by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security
guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and
arrested before he could even leave the premises.


Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed
the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements
with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this...)










“ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 at Walmart”

Oh, stop groaning! I don't write this stuff, I received it a warped friend.
 
Mailman Battles Angry Cat While Attempting to Deliver Mail


[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9J-wNkeESTI[/ame]
 
he telephone rings, and the wife answers.

A pervert with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight ass, with no hair."

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - whom shall I say is calling?"
 
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, when they
struck up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the Yellow
Labrador and said, "So, why are you here?"

The Yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything. I piss on
the sofa, the curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was
last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the Yellow Lab. "They
reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "So, why are you
here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers
and bushes. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I claw the
carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a hole in my
owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you ?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said. "They
reckon it'll calm me down."

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you
here?"

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I hump anything. I hump the cat, a
pillow, the table, fence posts. I want to hump everything I see.
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down
to dry her ankles, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back
and started hammering away"

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's
nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, " Apparently not, I'm here to get my nails
clipped!"
 
Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night.

The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.'

Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ... 'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: 'A pumpkin? Shit ... Is it midnight already?'

The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10. And sent on his way.

The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line ever."
 
The Old Man and the Beaver



An old man sees his doctor
For his quarterly check-up.##

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said,' Things are great##
And I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride
Who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc?"#

The doctor considered his question for a minute… And then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his Walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if##
It were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."#

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the
Beaver fell over dead.#

Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said,##
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else##
Pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly.
 
POLISH MOOSE HUNT Two Polish Hunters Named Stosh and Thad, Hired A Pilot to Fly them Into The Canadian Wilderness, Where they managed to Bag Two Big Bull Moose. As they were Loading The Plane to Return, The Pilot said The Plane could. Take The Hunters only, and their Gear One Moose. The Hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year We shot Two, and The Pilot Let U.S. Take them Both ... and He had exactly Airplane The Same as Yours.". RELUCTANTLY The Pilot, Not wanting to be outdone by another Bush Pilot, gave in and everything was Loaded. However, Even under full Power, The Little Plane could not handle The Down load and went, crashing in The Wilderness wooded. Somehow, surrounded by The Moose,. Clothing and Sleeping Bags, Stosh and Thad survived The Crash. After Climbing out of The wreckage, Stosh Asked Thad, "Any Idea Where We are?". Stosh replied, "I think We're pretty Close to Where We crashed last year.
 
PILOT HUMOR
I'm sure most of you have seen these before ...

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered bunch. They not only expect you to know your gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. This is an exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."

Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with arrogant impatience): Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another Boeing type. But I was just here to drop something off. I didn't stop."

Even the military have a sense of humor in all situations ...

While practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. Fortunately, the chopper remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway, doing 360s.
The Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?!"
Cobra: "I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."

Another Sled Driver story ...

Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?"
The pilot responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it."
He was cleared.

More Military humor:

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine F-16 fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."

Local ATC radio traffic:

ATC: "Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
Pilot: "Center, Flight 2341, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
ATC: "Flight 2341, Have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. ATC Attempted to locate the aircraft on radar.
ATC: "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners on approach at Kansas City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."
Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "Well ... I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle."
 
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
Fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'
 
Wine Taster...

At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.
The director of the winery wondered how to send him away
He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said:
"It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”

"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Correct."

A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
 
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