Official joke of the day thread

A Conversation In Heaven

A CONVERSATION IN HEAVEN

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer — we'd both still be alive.
 
Please enter your new password:

"cabbage"

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"boiled cabbage"

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"1 boiled cabbage"

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"50bloodyboiledcabbages"

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"50BLOODYboiledcabbages"

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"50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse, IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessnow

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ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessnow

Sorry, that password is already in use.
 
LIFE LESSONS:
Parable Number 1:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A
small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
nothing all day long? "The crow answered: "Sure, why not?" So,
the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden,
a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Life Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very,
very high up.

Parable Number 2: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be
able to get to the top of that tree, " sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got
the energy. " "Well, why don't you nibble some of my droppings? They're
packed with nutrients!" said the bull. The turkey pecked at a lump of dung
and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first
branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached
the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly
perched at the top of the tree. Soon, he was promptly spotted by a farmer,
who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Life Lesson : Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you
there.

Parable Number 3: The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As
they went along, some people remarked, "It is a shame the old man walks
while the boy rides." The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,
so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked,
"What a shame! The old man makes that little boy walk while he rides."
Consequently, they decided that they both would walk. Soon, they passed some
more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent
donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now, they passed some people
that shamed them, saying how awful it was to put such a load on a poor
donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to
carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the
animal and it fell into the river and drowned!

Life Lesson: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your
ass.

Parable Number 4: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was
so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it
was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen
bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and
soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the song, the cat discovered the bird under the pile
of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Life Lesson : 1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. 2) Not
everyone who gets you out of the shit is your friend. 3) And when you're in
deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
 
Two Irishmen were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.

Jimmy said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”

“What's dat den?” asks Mikey.

“Send me lawn away to be mowed."
 
Subject: British Humour.

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement, and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after 3 expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of… "

Here the colonel interrupted.

"Yes, yes; never mind that, Smithers; the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you called the witch doctor a motherfucker."
 
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.' He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me.'
 
Subject: Mature Women!

I couldn't help but think you would be brave enough (or crazy enough)
to say this to a cop!!!

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding..

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't
have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk
driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle
registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the
owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in
the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs
away to his car while calling for back up.

Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping
his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have
stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of
your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an
empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a
driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch
purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I
was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you
stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was
speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies
 
Needs a long straight stretch of road ...... and one way traffic

Insanity to the highest level or what?

Unusual group of gutsy Saudi students changing tires on Toyota

Final exam at Saudi University for senior mechanical engineers Class “Display of Dynamics in Motion” Class No. 377 3 units.This call is not graded on the curve.It is pass or fail only ..

Click here: http://www.chonday.com/Videos/sauditire2
 
his one is funny - Can you imagine that This is
Posted by Bangkok's Tourism Authority

"Loyal husbands will go straight to Heaven
and Disloyal will enjoy Heaven on Earth.
The choice is yours!"

- Bangkok Tourism Board -:smash:
 
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. Next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs !

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said. 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded ...
'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the fuckin' skippin'.
 
An older couple finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife,
being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet. Please advise.
 
BangkokDean said:
The shortest video you've ever seen so pay attention... A woman goes back to work after thirty years.
Watch carefully, the video is only 5 seconds long but you'll get it.
If you're younger than 40 years old, you probably won't understand.

www.youtube.com/embed/qteu4ld_SCE?rel=0
Click to expand...

Back in the 60's my father had a large insurance agency, him and 2-3 partners....well they had many very large companies to bill every month, so to buy one of the very frist automated billing machines....built by Smith Corona Marchant, and of course it had facilities for changing out the billing, and updating from month to month.....and of course the carriage was based on a SCM electric typewriter.....The machine was VERY LOUD and would essentially shut down the office when running, no way to talk on the phones....so the machine operator was a little deaf gal, smart critter but the hire was specifically because she was deaf....found her through a church group if I recall correctly.....so she had a soundproof private office....

well the funny thing about that machine was the table it was mounted to used to sway back/forth, as the machine was clocking 130 wpm on a tractor feed paper format.....so the table swayed back and forth, somewhat irritating to watch and make changes and start/stop the typing.....

SO one of the guys screwed the table to the wall studs, and so the return was so violent the carriage came right off the typewriter, and hit the wall, busted out all the stops, and so the office that month had to take time off to do the billings, that month as SCM had to order enough parts to fix the damn thing.....

that silly billing machine was personally seen at the Smithsonian Museum of Science/tech with a note/plack showing who donated it...Dad's operation, as it was one of the best examples of early automated office equipment....this in the early/mid 80's.....

long story, but that video just cracked me UP, for obvious reasons....just had to have been there......:smash::thumbs::eek:
 
Wife missing


A husband went to police station to report his missing wife:


Husband :-I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant :-What is her height ?
Husband:-I really never noticed.
Sergeant :- Build?
Husband:-Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant :-Colour of eyes?
Husband :-Never noticed.
Sergeant :-Colour of hair?
Husband :-Changes according to season.
Sergeant :-What was she wearing?
Husband :Dress/suit/ I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
Husband :-yes.
Sergeant :-What kind of car was it?
Husband :-Black Audi A8 with super charged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power with an eight-speed triptonic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.……………. At this point the husband started crying...


Sergeant:-Don't worry sir.......We will find your car.
 
Brothel sues Local Church.

What an interesting turn of events in Mt. Vernon,
Texas.

Diamond D's brothel began construction on a building expansion to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding, with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the
lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in
their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of
her building and her business, either through direct
or indirect divine actions or means.
"In its reply to the court, the church vehemently
and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. The
crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's
complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the
opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case. It appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all
bullshit."
 
Redskins.jpg
 
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